And I don’t want to. The husband thinks we should combine households to save money.
While this makes sense, I will be expected to care for her. This woman is more than manipulative, and ridiculously childish. She has family members and even her home health aide bring her food, or go buy her things.
She gets up by 6 AM and turns the TV volume up to 60. When I am there, she not only puts in a food order from me as well, she expects me to go back to my house 35 minutes away, and cook whatever she wants and send it back with my husband. She is virtually impossible to have a conversation with, Because she is deaf as a post. She also goes through things in her house and throws things in the trash. And then lies to my husband about it. The most recent scenario is that she threw away tax papers that he put away and then sat there and lied to him about it saying that she didn’t touch anything.
The house is old and has torn screens and the carpet is torn and there are holes in the wall.
My husband raised his two sons there, and they treated it exactly as you can imagine.
He said that he would definitely take care of my mother if she needed it… And I highly doubt that!
But yet, he expects me to stay in a room upstairs where my sewing machine and my computer would be because he’s going to put a couch and a TV up there.
I told him that I am 58 years old and should not have to live like that. And when I asked him another time when I’m supposed to do when she gets on my nerves, he actually had the audacity to tell me that I could go down to the basement.
To me, this just does not sound like any kind of a life that I want to live… But he thinks that we should keep the house because his dad built it.
And I am torn in a quandary as to feeling like I should take care of this woman because she is my mother-in-law, or keeping my own sanity.
I will not lie when I say that the past two days after he has discussed it with me I have done nothing but feel like I want to burst out into tears.
I can’t stand being around this woman and now he wants me to live with her… I brought up travel nursing for a couple of years so I could pay my student loans and maybe buy my own home. And you would’ve thought but I told him that I killed his dog.
I'm already a night shift hospice nurse, I don’t want to have to do it all day as well...
Should I suffer till the ol bat goes (probably be me first), or just go and do travel nursing and send him back home to Momma where he is determined to be anyway?
From what you have described, this arrangement would not work out for you. I have a feeling you haven't been married very long if your husband raised 2 sons in his Moms house. Can u make it on your own? Because it may come down to that when u say No. If he insists then you may need to tell him then he can go but ur not. You know what your in for.
I trust you to make your own decisions for your own life. I would have been long gone from this marriage, likely why I am twice divorced! Only you can decide what is best for you. You have a great career (I still remember the times when being away at work was the best part of my day, and my doing so many double shifts allowed me to save a good deal of money). You have the resources to make your own world, to seek counseling, to live on your own. The tools are at your fingertips, and we so seldom see that, so I trust you will decide what will work best for your life.
We have a family situation where the son can't handle his mother getting older and her needs and he puts his wife in the position to get her medicine and groceries. In his "eyes" he is caring for her. However, his wife knows he should take care of some projects around her house but he just doesn't do it. They live next door to her and she is my friend. Her heart is broken because he won't even fix a broken step where she goes outside in the back. The tension between all of them is so sad and it is causing her to decline mentally.
Thank you for being a caregiver and stay safe. If you are stressed at home how can you continue to be a good caregiver? It might sound painful to make a choice but you will be a better wife without being in that situation and you can contribute to your own family by not doing this. Bless you
Don't hide in a corner feeling miserable about this. Look your husband in the eye and tell him you're not having it.
You will (and I'm sure you will) contribute your fair weight to supporting her in her latter years; but you are not leaving your home and moving in to hers in order to become her head servant. Any of that sound unreasonable to anyone?
If you move in, he and his mother will continue to treat you like an unpaid servant, only then it will be 24/7.
Why would you be torn? Why would you feel like you have to take care of this horrible female? Why is your "husband" in charge of your life? Why is your happiness not important? Do answer these questions truthfully to yourself.
My advice: Don't move in with this boy's momma.. And don't be her caregiver either even if you don't move in.
And I also think you should give serious thoughts about this marriage.
I am so GLAD you came here to ask your question BEFORE moving in with his momma. There are so many others who came here AFTER they had made their terrible decisions, and then ask what to do because they are now trapped and miserable.
You are an intelligent woman. Be strong. Go do your traveling nursing plan and leave these horrible humans behind.
Your MIL sounds healthy. She could live FOR YEARS, DECADES even. It also sounds like you'd be the one to make all the sacrifices. Her manipulation of you, with no escape, is untenable. And with your already stressful job, there's no way you should have all this heaped onto you.
Just for gee-whiz, if you were to agree for her to move in (no, no, no), ask your hubby his plan for caring for HIS OWN mother. How HE will care for her? Will he be up all night caring for her? Run her errands? Will he insist she wear hearing aids to lower the TV volume (OMG, my mom did that and my eyes vibrated to a migraine. That's unlivable. I demanded Mom wear the hearing aids. She wore the aids.) Will he launder her clothes and manage her money, if she requires help?
His loyalty should come first to you and for you in your own home. She has help where she is. You should make boundaries to preserve your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Moving an elder in when the relationship is excellent can be a struggle. Doing it when the relationship is poor... it’s just a bad idea.
There is nothing for you to feel bad about here. You can feel bad for MIL that she is aging, but that has nothing to do with you. There are other options.
Keep saying no. Don’t get sucked into an argument to justify yourself. You don’t have to defend your desire to live your life in peace your own home.
So many people take something like this on to “save money”. And they regret it. Find another way. Don’t use your funds for MIL. Her son should spend his time and energy to get her on Medicaid and if necessary into supported living, not fighting with you.
Does anyone have financial PoA for this poor woman? Does anyone know what she can afford in a facility? And even if she can't there is Medicaid. So, unless her financial PoA has been mismanaging her assets, there is no financial reason why she can't be transitioned. Maybe secretly do some legwork and visit/research good local facilities to see what the options are. Talk to admissions people to see what level of care she would need. Find out costs and if there's a waiting list.
Also research in-home agency care and those costs. Then you can call a family meeting and present your findings (written down) and show them what SOME of their options are. They will not thank you for doing this. Then announce that you won't be participating in her care as of XX date because you will be starting your travel nurse duties in order to catch-up on important financial issues in your family. If you stop being their only solution they will be forced to look elsewhere. Just know that all sorts of rage and indignation will be aimed at you. And if one of them is your husband -- again I suggest couples counseling. If he won't go then vote with your feet and move out. I sincerely wish you much inner strength and wisdom and peace in your heart.
And my husband does not want his mother in a home, nor does she wish to leave her home.
I know what it is like caring for a person with dementia. I cared for my
mother until she passed in my home, years ago.
My heart goes out to you. You work as a professional caregiver and now you are expected to become a 24 hour caregiver. I do not have any answers, but this is extremely unfair to you. I realize life is not fair, but I agree, at 58 and working in a full-time job, you should not have to live in described conditions. This is not even considering you have a high stress job in the medical field. I would never want to suggest a marital break-up, but the good news is that you do have options. I would choose an option and go with it. You did not sign on to be a caregiver for her. Also, I really don't know that there would be any great savings in the long run by living with her...financially, physically or mentally. The constant stress of living with this lady is going to take a toll in one of these areas. I am so sorry you are going through this.