I’m an only child. My dad is in memory care (huge fall risk). He falls almost weekly. Bounces back well. Can I take a vacation?

You're as tied down as you decide to be. Decide that you're not tied down. Decide that if he falls, he falls. He's going to fall. If he's in memory care, they've picked him up before and they'll pick him up again.

As for separate vacations, that's baloney. Someday you or your husband won't be around and the other one will be taking a separate vacation. When you get on that tour bus alone, it would be nice to remember when the two of you were able to get away by yourselves and enjoy it.

So yeah, if you're asking permission to go on vacation, you've got it from me.

Yes go on your vacation together. How could skipping a vacation prevent him from falling? If they can walk, they will fall. It’s just the way it is.

Sue, take a vacation. There are ways now to always be in touch in an emergency. Let the facility know. They simply need to know how to contact you or whom to contact if they cannot get you. Dad's gonna do what dad's gonna do. You cannot postpone your entire life waiting for him to do it.

My dh and I traveled to Europe and Africa on tours while my parents were in AL, and while mom was in Memory Care Assisted Living. But we always bought trip insurance in case a disaster struck and we had to cancel, which did happen in 2014 when dad broke his hip. We had to cancel a 19 day trip to China and Tibet but did get all of our $$$ back except for the cost of the trip insurance and the cost of the visa to China.

My mother fell 95x while living in AL and MC combined, btw. I was an only child too, with only myself and my dh to rely on to help them. And staff at the AL, of course.

Had we waited for mom to pass before we started traveling, it'd have been too late bc we're both now suffering from health conditions preventing us from doing so.

Take your opportunities when they present themselves. Just do so wisely, by purchasing trip insurance.

4 falls happened to my LOs this month.
Happened while I was in town. Would have happened if I was away.

Go.

SueZ1250: Take the trip with your DH (Dear Husband). My DH and I made the mistake of not taking vacations while my mother was alive for fear that I would have to hop on a plane to take care of her needs. Now we're too old to take them.

You say - "I know having them placed is supposed to give you more freedom"
Yes, yes it does.
Find a memory care facility.
It tore my heart out to place my husband two months ago.
He's safe. He has lots of friends. He's entertained, cleaned and fed. His room and clothes are kept tidy.
I visit a lot and as I leave on those days, I always turn to give one more last wave good-bye for the evening and he's already looking elsewhere and happily chatting gibberish to the person closest to him who is also fluent in gibberish.
Your perception of what you should be doing is different from what works for him.

Your marriage comes first.

Are you hiding behind your dad?

You keep this up and years will (and probably has already) pass, and you and your marriage will suffer.

Not “can”. “MUST”.

I found the following helpful as I struggled with similar questions. As much as we want to prevent bad things from happening, the reality is that something bad will indeed happen (e.g., falling, dying). And there is nothing we can do about it. My suggestion would be to try to make peace with that reality and hopefully it will free your mind enough to take this vacation and otherwise care for yourself.

there are five of us sibs, (3 boys and 2 girls) well i am the older female and I shouldered 95 percent of the load! my dad has passed and I suggest that you TAKE THAT VACATION NOW!