My mom has had unmedicated bipolar and ocd my entire life. Since I can remember I was her caretaker, catching her during every manic and depressive episode. She is 69 now, and everyone has left. She has become more angry and distant with the people that try and care. This year alone she has been arrested 3 times fleeing the cops in a motorized vehicle. I live in the state of Idaho and it seems like there are not a lot of resources for the elderly experiencing mental illness. The most I have been able to do is put her on the "Vulnerable Adult List". My mom has officially stopped paying her bills. They shut off her power, and because she did not pay her irrigation, has put a lein on her house.. She is in debt who knows how much..
I don't know what to do anymore. My mom's hoarding has also gotten out of control. Her house is filled with trash, and now with her not having plumbing, she is using the bathroom as a toilet...
My mom can answer the questions that "prove" she is "capable" of making her own sound decisions, so they won't help me. She is obviously not well; though she has delt with these issues for as long as I can remember, age has made it worse. I have asked if I could help her and she refuses. I have asked to gain access to her bank account so I could help pay the bills for her, but she won't let me. She is terrified of people and has only ever seen a doctor when it was court ordered (I was a child in the court system. my parents dealt with a 17 year long custody dispute)
I am so tired... I am incredibly poor and have already poured so much of my own resources trying to protect her from homelessness. I don't want to see her in that position. However she also cannot live with me, as I could not emotionally handle her verbal abuse and mistreatment. I feel guilty everyday and feel like I am not doing enough. I have been told to get POA but I know I cannot handle that, nor do I have the money for court/lawyer fees.
I'm so scared to see how her situation will unfold.. I am all alone in this and have no support. I don't know how to help my mom since she wont let me.
Please any resources, ideas or thoughts would mean so much. Thank you
Start taking care of yourself.
If things progress PLEASE do not become your mothers Guardian. Let the Court/ State appoint a Guardian you do not want to do this. It is time consuming and can be expensive (although expenses should be paid by the Ward) but under no circumstances should you spend any of your money on your mother.
You don't mention your father or whether or not you can live with him or what his story is. Would he help you out?
The first step would be to visit the local police department and ask them to do wellness checks on your mother. They usually will. Then call APS (Adult Protective Services) and talk to them. Let them know what's going on and ask them to make a home visit.
Does your mother own or rent the home she lives in? If she rents then you can talk to the landlord and tell them what's going in with the property. They will be very interested.
Your mother is too much for you to handle. DO NOT let yourself get talked into taking POA or conservatorship/guardianship for her because then you will be legally responsible to make sure she's provided for. Let the court appoint someone. If she has to become homeless for a while and live out of a shelter or in a mental facility, that could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. It will speed up social services getting her a conservator and some safe, supervised housing. Or into a LTC facility.
You need to stop trying to fix your mother's life because you can't. She needs serious help that you can't provide. You can help her get it by talking to the police and APS like I said. Don't go down with the ship trying to do more than this. You have to think of yourself.
I just realized you are 26 years old.
Call Adult Protective Services. Back off. Let things play out.
At 26 you should be in trade school, college, having fun and doing fun things with friends.
You deserve a life.
Best of luck.
In my county in Florida unhomed women are prioritized for emergency housing. Many times they are put up in small apartments or motels and the government pays the bills for those that are unable to. Generally it is several days but women that are unhomed are quickly supplied with housing.
Definitely call Adult Protective Services and let them deal with your Mother and let APS figure out services.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My sister is un medicated bipolar (for decades) and my ex husband was OCD. My brother was also unmedicated bipolar.
You cannot negotiate or reason with those with untreated mental illness. It is legal to have untreated mental illness in the US.
The best you can do is take care of yourself.
Check on free or reduced price counseling through your job or your county social services or some of the churches do free or reduced price counseling.
Your job may give you 3 free counseling sessions. Look into that.
You have to take care of yourself first. Live in the day. Don't future trip.
Work on yourself. Concentrate on your health and your job and your livelihood. I lived in Montana for 5 months last year. I know that life in Montana and Idaho can be hard. Reach out to connect to make friends for you.
I agree to call the county Adult Protective Services in your region. Let them deal with her.
I've had a lot of pain over the interactions with my bipolar sister over the last year but I've had to step back and toughen up but the pain I feel is still very hard.
Drop the rope. Take care of yourself. Take care of your livelihood. Prioritize yourself.
I've not utilized NAMI but they have local supports and remote supports for family members with mental illness.
Even if you are not religious or churchy try some local church groups for you.
Our Montana church had a very diverse group of interesting people and I really miss the free lunches--fish fries and nice people.
Instead call APS(Adult Protective Services) and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves in filth with mental issues. They will come out and do an assessment and if need be take over her care, which is what she needs.
You need to get on with living your own life, get a good job and do whatever it takes to not continue in the dysfunction in which you were raised. Only you can break the cycle and I hope you have the courage and strength to do just that.
And please do NOT spend one more penny on your mom, as you need your own money to survive in this world.
I'm sorry that you got the short end of the stick when it comes to moms, but know that you are not alone there, a lot of us did as well.
But that doesn't mean that you let her suck the life out of you, instead it means that you protect your mental well being at all costs, even if that means that you cut ties with her completely.
You've given up enough of your life for this woman, so now it's time to take this one life you've been given and make the very best out of it, so you don't carry forward the dysfunction in which you were raised.
Secondly, managing care for a mentally ill person who isn't cooperative is IMPOSSIBLE. Please spell that out. I M P O S S I B L E. You will be very sorry if you get it. Let the state take on her care. Call APS when she is in need of safe care she won't let you help with, and back away.
I am going to ask you to purchase (cheap used on Amazon) the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. Get back to us after you read it.
Ms S. tried to manage and help her mentally challenged mother for DECADES until her death which I believe occurred when she was in her 80s. She was then between a room in a flea-bag hotel and the streets. Ms. S. was a very bright woman and has the help and social services of the entire city and state of New York.
It was all to no avail.
Not everything has an answer.
Not everything can be fixed. And that is especially ill in mental illness.
Here is the simple, painful truth. You can't help mentally ill folks who don't want to be helped.
There is a wonderful book on this subject: Liz Scheier's Never Simple. It's the story of her trying to help her mom. With ALL the resources available in NYC and NYS, she died homeless, by choice. She had been admitted to an Assisted Living facility, paid for by Medicaid, but she eloped from it, "knowing" that there was a doctor at some hospital in Manhattan who could cure her COPD.
Please look after yourself and stop using your resources on her. ((((Hugs))))