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Hello. I have been a live-in 24/7 caregiver to my sister's mother-in-law with dementia for 7 years. I have an oppurunity to move out and get my own place. Another sister has a apartment that she need to rent. She asked me because she knows this job has been so stressful and mentally exhausting, taking a toll on my health. She wants me to find peace and get some kind of life back. She would not charge me much. I would not have a job, but right now I believe for my sanity and health, it might be best to take a step back after I move to get myself back. It would be the best thing to take the apartment to get some kind of life back. The other thing is, I thought when I did move out here I would back out state I would be moving to is in the state I live in now, but maybe this could be a stepping stone, but it would be my place. The other thing is the daughter would have to place her mother and I know it would be hard for her. I have to think of myself and health so I am conflicted, but I know it the best for me to get out of this situation, because like I said, it's 24/7 and not much time off and it is taking a toll. It's not going to change and the lady getitng worse. Thank you. Sorry this is so long. I just need help in my decision.

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Your sister is correct: you need to take care of you first, before you burn out. Your in-law will need to solve the problem of care for her mother, not you. It's not your responsibility. And you are correct that she will need to be placed eventually, anyway. Give her about 1 month's notice and then whether or not she's solved her care problem, move out and have your own life!
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KROGER123456 Oct 9, 2020
Thank you for the encourangment
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Yes. Do it. That would be my advice. By try to think of the best WAY to do this and the repercussions of doing it.
Give notice of at least one month that you will be moving to your own place and will not be able to continue care. Are you hoping to do ANY care going forward? If so, tell them what hours you would be available, what their costs would be. Be paid, and pay taxes on the money you receive as salary. If you would rather go on with education and/or job then do so. The longer you delay then the more difficult this will be. 7 years is a long time. You deserve your own life. DO KNOW that what is now seeming a godsend of a good friend giving you a real break on cost of living may not last, so be ready to be on your own, working and paying rent.
If there is argument just don't "go there". Just say you are sorry, you know this is difficult for them, but that you must think now of yourself and your own life. Wishing you luck. Hoping you will update us.
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KROGER123456 Oct 9, 2020
Thank you for the encouragemnt
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As I’m in your shoes with my mom I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’ve been faithful in caring for her. You’ve been offered a gift, a blessing. Take it! I’m sure she’ll be placed in a good & safe place. You can visit her anytime & get your life back at the same time. Let me know what you decide!
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KROGER123456 Oct 9, 2020
Hello Mom only child Thank you sorry your going through ths But thanks understanding and the encouragement Caregiving in such a stressfull job But we try to do our best for are love ones Like you are ans it sounds like you a only child I have lost both my parents And i took care of them so i understand the sacfrice we make Will im going to move to that apartment And it will be a fresh start And i need that and it time Thank you
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Go back and read your excellent letter. Read it again, 2 or 3 times if you need to. You yourself have answered the question you are asking.

You have done the very best you could, to help this lady live at home for 7 years. You have given her and your daughter a BEAUTIFUL GIFT.

Now, you OWE YOURSELF the gift of wellness, peace, comfort, and FREEDOM.

You took on a very difficult responsibility, honored it, and have now come to realize that you are also an important responsibility, TO YOURSELF.

Enjoy EVERY SECOND in your new apartment. See new things, try some new adventures.

You are Blessed for having stepped up. Relish every moment of your future.
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you i love that letter and kind words Thank you for your support and encouragment
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You need some respite. Please take the apartment. Consider if you want to continue caring for this lady for less time and still get paid or find a completely new job. Either way, please find an employment situation that gives you time off to have your own life.
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you i think when i move I need to take a step back and rest and start getting my life back Thank you for the support and encouragment
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Yes

Why would you destroy your own life for your sister's MiL?
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
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YES! Do it! Your health and mental well being come first! My sister and I are currently trying to manage our 91 year old mothers life, she fell 3 weeks ago and broke her hip, currently in rehab. We have had to find creative ways to keep our sanity and keep our souls intact. We didn't have the greatest childhood, with an alcoholic father and a mother who always put herself first. So now we are putting ourselves first, as we were taught by her. You need to focus on your own life, you cannot be chained down by other people's needs. Take your life back, we are here on this Earth only a short time and your need to enjoy your life. Good luck- put YOURSELF first!
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you for the support and encouragment and yes you need to put your self first Sometime are lives get put hold to take care of are love one And yes we need to enjoy life And i need to get mine back
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Surprised you have not burned out long before this.

I believe you have been given a gift too. I am not a religious person. per say, but maybe God is trying to say, its time to move on. If this woman has had Dementia for 7 years, she probably now needs LTC. Take this opportunity and step away from caregiving for a while. Find something different for now.

Looks like one sister is on your side.
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KROGER123456 Oct 9, 2020
Thank you for the encouragemnt
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Absolutely yes you should. You need to take care of yourself too...the sooner the better.
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you for the support and encouragment
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I think you have your answer but I'll throw my two-cents in -- we can't be of any use to anyone if we aren't taking care of ourselves first. You said it yourself -- "stressful and mentally exhausting, taking a toll on my health." When you started taking care of your bil's mother, did they understand that this wasn't "till death"? I sure hope they did.

The person you were seven years ago when you took on this responsibility is not the person you are today. You need to recapture the good parts of the old you and let go of the bad parts of the new you. If one of your sisters can see how this has worn you down, surely the other sister is aware as well.

I hope the transition goes smoothly and that there is no family rift because of this. Perhaps this is the very thing your sister and bil need to get them to move forward with a placement for mom. Wishing you all the best.
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KROGER123456 Oct 14, 2020
Thank you for support and i agree it time to take care of me and yes time for the mother to go in assited liviing Thank you for the encouragment
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