I am caring for a woman who has progressive Alzheimer’s as well as dementia. I have been here for about a month now & I know it’s important to try and keep them on a daily schedule but at this point I feel like it’s impossible. She has the ability to walk, and stand up but is very apprehensive about the getting up part..but that’s another issue. Right now my biggest issue is getting her showered. We try to do every other day (66yrs old) but yesterday as well as today she flat out refuses & she will fight you every step until (normally) she’s actually in the shower. She will Not wash herself AT ALL, I’ve tried multiple times & it just doesn’t register with her besides I’m sure she’s forgotten what that even means. So I wash her as best as I can. I feel like I can’t do my job like I should because I can’t force her to do anything but the constant pressure of her husband wanting her to stay on a schedule as much as possible (I’m aware that’s the best thing) but what do you do when they simply will not cooperate??? Since I’ve been working for this particular patient my anxiety & stress level are insane! I am literally emotionally/mentally exhausted every single day I leave work to the point that I’m so tired when I get home that I have to fight with everything in me to get anything done in my own home. Needless to say my home is a mess & I have read everything to try and understand what I can do but so far I haven’t been able to figure out how to get her showered or even coax her into using the bathroom @3 times a day bc she will not get up and go on her own. HELP!!!!
Your home and your life should not be suffering because of some client. You should not have such a level of stress and anxiety over her. She's a job and not worth it. Quit her.
If you insist on remaining with her and need to get her into the shower try this approach which has worked well for me for many clients with Alzheimer's/dementia.
When it's time for the shower both you and her husband have to approach her together. You do not ask her if she will go for a shower. You tell her it's time for your shower and you're going to do it now. When we're finished you can have (whatever her favorite treat or activity is). Try this approach. If it doesn't work then her husband should look into care facility placement for her.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goal should be to keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own).
This list would be good to print out and post where the husband will be able to refer back to it daily. You also may want to sit with him to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so he can learn better ways to engage with her to make the daily care less contentious.
Dementia is a progressive disease and thus she is in the process of change/decline every day, so being a flexible problem solver is what a caregiver needs to be. Wishing you success in finding the right strategies to help the both of them!
I start talking about it in advance, how we’ll make her hair nice etc and how she’s got clean, beautifully smelling pj’s to look forward to.
I heat the room up half hour in advance with a portable heater fan as well as heating lamps. For me it’s actually too hot, it’s more like a steam room lol. But for her it’s the desired temperature, besides I’m not in the water so hence the experience is most likely different.
BUT key factor!! I play her favourite songs!! I make the shower time a concert she can look forward to.
This way she goes in there dancing! She may still hesitate at the undressing part but I distract with words from the song to get her singing.
In saying that,.. it still is tiring putting so much effort in for a shower,.. by the time I’m finished,.. I’m ready for a shower myself and bed!!
we don’t always do a full shower,.. sometimes it’s only a bottom wash. I do this if I sense she’s in a more difficult mood. I let her keep her top on and I hold the shower head for her while she quickly washes her bottom parts. I’ve been able to reason with her for this as she has realised how much better it feels after and it only takes a few minutes. I usually announce it as we are changing her depends - “time to do a rinse”. This way she’s already undressed at bottom and less likely to be against it.
But overall the music has been a winner for now!!
Dementia...you know its a stove just forget how to use it
ALZ...you forgot its a stove.
De clutter the bathroom so the room is as “low stress” as possible.
Try some gentle massage, use fragrant soaps (if she can tolerate the smell of them) and play relaxing music. Use lotion when she is done. (Try some different kinds of music to see if one type relaxes her more than another).
Talk to her as if she is normal (even though she might not respond accordingly).
I’m sure your client’s husband is stressed because he just wants his wife back. 66 is young for dementia and this must be very disappointing and scary for him. Listen to his demands patiently- he can’t help but feel frustrated.
Do your best to keep her on schedule. Surely, if you ever have a day off, he will realize your great contributions and will understand that staying on schedule is a goal that simply is not always attainable.
“Since I’ve been working for this particular patient my anxiety & stress level are insane! I am literally emotionally/mentally exhausted every single day”. This is obviously not the job for you. Are you a paid caregiver or are you volunteering to do this? In either case, it appears you do not have the skills to continue with this particular patient, you are in over your head. I don't mean to embarrass you or make you feel your efforts are not praise worthy, they certainly are, but you don't need to do this. Showering is only one problem, there are many more to come.
If I were you I would excuse myself from this job after looking for an agency or individual who has experience in dementia care to replace you. I appreciate that you are a caring person, and I applaud you for wanting to serve others, but you cannot do this at the expense of your own health.
See All Answers