I've been doing this for 11 years since we lost my dad. My family took my mom in like part of our family but it's had a toll on my marriage and family. I just feel so torn... I want to care for my mom but it's getting so hard. She's forgetful and if I try to ask her for anything she is getting grouchy with me. Tonight she upset me so much.... she said really mean things and it's not like her. I'm just tired... putting her before myself and everyone especially during this time. I am wondering if anyone else here feels this way.... how can I find peace and balance. I can't handle being yelled at when I'm doing my best to help. I'm too old for this! Thoughts?
You certainly have plenty of company in this situation on this forum. Your husband and minor children (if you have any) are the first priority. You cannot and must not put your mom ahead of them no matter what. You yourself have acknowledged that your marriage has already suffered. The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both the receiver and giver. It is not working for you. Do you think your mom would want your marriage to fall apart for her sake?
The logical solution is to transition her out of your home and into a care community. She will have a lot of people with which to chat and socialize. They will have activities and field trips and events. And you can go see her as often as you want and the visits will probably be less stressful. I say probably because as dementia advances, personality changes occur that are often negative, but can possibly be helped with medication. None of this will feel good as you're implementing it. It will feel wrenching for a while. You are not abandoning her. When you see the sky doesn't fall and your marriage improves and she is well cared for you will be able to gain peace.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and explain your concerns. They may offer some help.
If its found Mom has Dementia you may want to start considering an AL if she can afford it. Maybe an Adult Daycare to give you and her some breathing room. May have to put them on hold for now though.
She needs to know, just like your kids, that she cannot act that way and get away with it. Her behavior upsets you and we all know that mom's happiness sets the tone for the whole house (yes that is sexist, but IMHO it's true).
Her being allowed to live with you is a privilege and perhaps she needs to be reminded of this.
I had to 'kick out' a 20 yo daughter who simply could not comply with house rules. She left kind of angry, but felt she could say/do anything and I could just deal with it. Sorry, nope, my house, my rules no matter your age.
It may be time to move mom to assisted living---your mental health is taking a beating and there's no need for that. Having her assessed and making that tough decision will be hard--but you need to put you first.