I am caring for my now almost two years in hubby, we have been together for 14 years before we got married. He has lost his left leg beneath the knee, he has kidney failure and is on dialysis three times a week, he has high and low blood sugar, and it goes up and down all night and all day and orthostatic blood pressure which goes low daily. Yesterday he went back to an incident that we had about 6-7 months ago when we were living in a previous location and accused me of taking $200 that was stolen from us at that time. I steal nothing from no one, I can't believe that he accused me. He said, "Maybe you needed it and just took it and were afraid to tell me that you did." I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Are you kidding me! He never took it back and continued to treat me horribly the whole night including not letting me cook any dinner for him or do anything for him, in which I was still willing. He didn't even let me give him his night medicine. My mom recently passed away, who was living with us, and I insisted on telling him how hurtful he was being to me and there was no excuse for it and if he was calling me a thief suddenly, that was grounds for a divorce. My husband has this way about him at times, where he will almost challenge you to do something or call your bluff like it is a game. I had to take care of his blood sugar this morning because it was 59. I made him a peanut butter jelly sandwich and some juice. He is sleeping now but when he wakes, I don't know what to say or do. I'm desperately open to any suggestions you guys have for me and thank you.
The first thing you need to do is walk away when your husband is abusive. There's no point in talking as he's clearly unable to respond to reason.
The next thing is for your husband to see a doctor for this behaviour to be investigated. Whether it's a complication caused by diabetes or kidney failure, or whether it's dementia, it needs to be diagnosed and dealt with.
If it is caused by dementia and it cannot be managed, then you may need to look into your husband being nursed elsewhere, as he's putting his health in jeopardy by refusing food, etc.
If this behaviour is new then it is most likely caused by a health issue. If it's not completely new, but just a similar gaslighting behaviour in a new form, then you need to think about whether you want to take care of him, to the detriment of your own happiness and wellbeing.
Maybe you should get mad first and see what happens. Your H is relying on you to react in a certain way, but what if you didn’t?
Only YOU yourself have enough information to decide whether this is mental deficit due to illness, or just the way your hubby "gets" at times. And only you can decide if you wish to stick around and continue to give him care.
Speak to your husband's doctor. Sometimes, diabetes and dementia occur together. And paranoia (accusing you of stealing) is very common with all of the dementias.
Good luck!
I have dealt with people like your husband my whole life. Your description of him fits my mother perfectly, and I was a caregiver for 25 years to many people with every kind of condition.
Here's what you do today. You STOP playing your husband's games and make that fact very plain to him. When he's trying to instigate about something long past, you ignore him and walk away. Leave if you need to and let him fend for himself.
Many times when people are elderly, or have health conditions, or are handicapped they will be abusive to their caregivers. It's a kind of power trip for them. They've lost control in their lives and they know that the caregiver will still have to do for them no matter how abusively they treat them.
No, you do not have to
He's an adult, not a child. So you don't put up with tantrums, lashing out, orneriness, instigating, verbal abuse (or any other kind), or gaslighting. If he doesn't behave like the grown man he is, ignore him. Don't respond. Let his blood sugar get down and let him figure out how to get something to eat for himself when it does.
No games and no abuse if he wants you to continue to care for him.
That being said, you don't bring up the past either. He was an a$$hole to you when your mom died. He's not going to apologize for that. So leave it alone.
If he thinks he's punishing you by not letting you serve him? That's ridiculous. Don't cook him dinner then. You ask him once if he says no, then he gets nothing from you. Make your dinner or go out to eat.
My mother used to play her little game about complaining about meals (which she always ate and usually had seconds). Until one day when she started up, I took her plate and threw it in the garbage. Then I stopped cooking and shopping for her. When she got tired of old peanut butter and stale crackers, she stopped complaining.
Stop playing your husband's games and he'll stop playing them.
One of the first things to go is empathy and care or concern about another person. That is gone forever.
You will have to figure out how to let it go. There will be no apology or justice here. I’m so sorry. HUGS