I’m a bit reluctant to post anything further on this forum. Does anyone else object to harsh criticism by other members?

Often people give advice (which they have asked for) and it’s not what they wanted to hear.

Or the situation they describe is so ridiculous that people feel they have to ‘shake’ the person awake.

Or people get frustrated when people ask for advice, and every feasible suggestion gets shot down. There’s people on here who have quit jobs, moved 3000 miles away from their spouse and kids, are going broke from paying for everything, and are on the brink of killing themselves. People implore the person to take their lives back, but every reply is met with “Oh, I can’t do that. My mom will be mad. A nursing home would be mean. I’d feel too guilty. I must be obedient and honor my mother even though she fights me daily and hates me. It’s not so bad. I just don’t know what to do!”. If someone is going to automatically disregard any help suggested, then why ask in the first place?

I just did a brief check of your profile page and noticed you have mostly been on threads related to family dysfunction and narcissism. Yeah, those kinds of posts are going to attract people who are dealing with or are survivors of their own family dysfunction, and to my mind many of those people have been deeply scarred by their life experiences so they are not always the kindest or gentlest. Doesn't mean they are always wrong though.

It could very well be that an OP needs a reality check. That their posts have obvious red flags - based on experience on what others have gone thru - to be able to do things that they are planning & hoping to do. I post mainly on LTC Medicaid issues and often ruthlessly as most are completely unaware of what a deep dive it is to get a parent eligible and the degree to which transfers and gifting just flat surface and what that copays are required & think they’ll be beyond rules. You know that 5 second scene in Moonstuck btw Loretta & Sonny, the “Snap out of it” scene? Sometimes something like that is needed, imo.

Oh how I wish we could attach gifs sometimes….

If you have been on any forum, there is good or bad. Real names are not shown so people say whatever they want. As Alva said, you take what you need and let the rest go.

If you want to vent, tell us ahead of time its a vent. And, if you have a question better not to post within someone elses thread. The question tends to get lost.

Yes, some of us are blunt. But like said, a lot of us have been in your shoes.

I have never knowingly given a response, answer, suggestion that is intended to be aggressive, abrasive, hurtful. But I have has one person PM me and chastise me for a response that that person seemed to think was hurtful.
With some things an answer, response will come out and maybe it is not gentle. After having gone through the dementia journey for 12 years with my Husband I will say what is on my mind. Sometimes that might come off as "brutal", frightening, maybe abrasive but so is dementia and what it does not only to our loved ones but to the family that is there to care for this person.
Some people are not yet ready to face the reality of some of the situations that are in front of them. So a response may seem one way when the intention is not what the reader is interpreting it as. (did that make sense? sometimes my mind runs faster than my fingers do)
If you think a particular post is bullying, mean, insulting whatever term you want to use you could always report it and let the moderators determine the outcome.
But consider that this is an open forum. People from all walks of life, all education levels, all different life experiences and you will get responses based upon that individuals experiences, morals as well as ethnic/cultural upbringing.
Just like an all you can eat buffet. Take what you want, ignore what you do not like, and take bits and pieces from different sources and make what you want of it. And things will change and what was good to begin with may not be so good later so you try something new.
That's kinda how life goes.

Unfortunately, when you communicate using a keyboard rather than face to face with a human voice, there can be a lot lost in translation.

Facial expressions, body language, tone and inflection of voice are an integral part of communication.

Look at the words: "I'm sorry." Depending on tone and inflection, it can range from remorse or regret ("I'm sorry about what I did" or "I'm sorry for your loss"), it can be inquisitive (as in "I'm sorry, I didn't hear/understand you") to extremely sarcastic.

When someone is typing an answer, the answerer might "hear" it one way in their heads, but the person who reads it might "hear" it in an entirely different manner. What the writer intends to sound sincere may very well come across as sarcasm or anger or impatience or even not caring.

That's not to say that there aren't people out there who just love to write controversial things on an anonymous internet forum JUST to get a rise out of people, although for an internet forum, that seems to be rarer here as opposed to other sites. It's a source of entertainment for them, I think.

Conversely, and this is not directed at you, Unlucky, there are some people are just waaayyyy more easily offended than others - people who seem to take glee in being perpetually offended - but generally speaking, those kinds of people take offense whether the words are written or spoken.

I hope if you continue to post here, you can take the advice that fits you best and ignore the comments that you don't appreciate.

I totally agree. No one else can judge - they are not in your shoes. Shame on those who take their own frustrations out on others!

I think most here try to temper our comments as much as we can. But I will also say, sometimes it is hard not to have strong reactions when you see posters headed down a road that you know is going to end badly and they are denying or ignoring all of the helpful advice they are being given because it isn't what they want to hear. I completely agree that super aggressive or nasty responses aren't generally warranted - or even the norm here in my experience. I haven't been around as long as a lot of posters here but I haven't seen a lot of the over the top aggressive or nasty types of responses. What I do see often is maybe some more strongly worded posts because a poster can see that an OP is just not hearing what is being said - often because they either aren't ready to hear it or just don't want to hear it.

Frequently those posters respond like for like and leave the forum - and then months later come back and say "you know what I wish I had listened".

I'm not disagreeing with you- I don't think it is necessary to be overly aggressive under normal circumstances. BUT there are some posts where someone goes for the jugular for one reason or another and it devolves. That's human nature. That's the point where you know that the poster isn't listening to what is being said.

The topics we talk about here are sensitive to begin with. They are highly personal and in the vast majority of cases pretty painful. It's hard not to get heightened and emotional in those cases. If someone offends me I do my best to remind myself not to take it personally because they don't know me, they don't know the full story, they only know what I've shared here and you can only know so much from the outside. But when we post here we open ourselves up for every type of response and we have to be prepared for that.

That being said, there are always going to be people who deliberately come into forums of any kind to stir up trouble as well.

There is often disagreement on Forum amongst those of us who are often here, often answering questions.
I myself believe it isn't right to be cruel or harsh BUT I do believe we should be honest with our perspective.
The poster (OP) has come here to ask a question. It does that questioner absolutely no good for us to answer with sympathy only, with a pretense that they are doing wonderfully well (if we think that isn't the case). I think we should answer HONESTLY.
It is, for me, those who have been HONEST with me, who may even have SHAKEN me up, that have most helped me on my own journey. They made me look inward at myself.
We form habits sometimes. We go round the same circle over and over like a mill stone pony, hauling the wheel in the same sad pattern with little result. We complain of something and people sympathize, and then on we go, having got all we can expect out of the situation. It is oft the person who says "Why are you insisting of moving in that same CIRCLE. It's a bad habit and it is hurting you and doing no good to others" --that person really helps us.
That said, this may not be the place for you. If you asked a question and were hurt by too much of someone else's truth, you may choose to move to another support group that is more supportive to you. Only you can decide that.
For me, it becomes a matter of picking up what helps and letting the other luggage just sit there.
Whatever you needed for us and we were unable to help with, I am sorry.And I wish you great good luck in your future.

It can be hard to respond to posts. A recent new poster asked “Do you have support? How does your spouse deal with you being in charge of your parents lives at this point? Is there animosity? Do you have family members supporting you? Do you share this responsibility and your feelings with your spouse, or are they not interested? Does the support of family members come between you and your spouse?”.

Now these questions are only asked by someone who is feeling all this, and they are common problems. OP gives no personal information at all, but wants personal information from other people, which seemed just a trifle off.

I replied with some questions for OP to think about: “For many older people, being together in a NH is about as good as it gets. Do they both have dementia? Why do you want mother to separate in an AL? Do you really feel that you are “in charge of your parents’ lives at this point?” [This last was a quote from OP’s profile, now deleted]. Is this a good attitude? If you are trying to make your parents do what you want, perhaps it’s not surprising if your spouse isn’t on side. How much time are you spending visiting or worrying about this – or trying to talk about it?

The response I got was rather more offensive than mine: “Your judgements are way out of line. Where did I say that I'm trying to get my parents to do what I want? All I want is the best for them. And, it's none of your concern about how much I visit or worry. Please do not respond to any of my posts again. I don't need Debbie Downers.” [I’ve omitted the ‘thanks but’ and the ‘have a nice day’]

Perhaps understandably, OP has had no further replies. Who needs to be insulted? Perhaps you could put yourself in OP’s shoes and ask yourself some questions too.