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My daughter offered to buy a house 3 hrs away from my residence. This would be her family vacation home where I will live there almost rent free.


I am undecided:


PROs:


1) newer place


2) save money on my rent


3) still independent and active mind and body.


CONS:


1) do not know anybody to socialize with. More isolation. I think this property will be in a country club.


2) I do not know anyone to help me if I have stroke, fall, sick...


3) I will need to stop my day job (I teach yoga for established small class ) and will not have income to supplement my personal expenses.


4) this will be long distance from my trusted doctors.


Please, suggestions...

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Can you make a phone call to the people who have you on their waiting list?
Say it is to update your information, confirm your place on their waiting list.

Often (since there is no real accountability or oversight) the lists are not managed well, and subject to the management's interests, imo. Follow up, and add your neme to any other lists....always new housing being built.
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Save your job, keep working it can keep you alive.

The biggest red flag in your post came from the "appearance" of a generous offer from your daughter, but it is just a convenience for her. She gets something big out of it without sacrificing. Someone to watch over her vacation house, pay expenses, and make an appearance whenever convenient to her. She might go so far as to kick you out when they have guests- oh Mom, we will be using our guest house, can you stay at our house? hmmmmn.
In my opinion, I did not even need to read that she was abusive to you, she must be a narcissist, with that disquised offer. The move would leave you vulnerable, at her mercy, and subject to her standing, such as what if she were to divorce?

Can you ask for more hours at work, negotiate less rent increase, pay it?
The costs to relocate may be more if factored in over the year. How are your neighbors fighting this (if it affects them also)????

I know this because a friend almost fell for it.
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Sildharma Jun 28, 2019
Thank you.... something to think about.
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Sildharma, I vote stay where you are. I am around your age, and the thought of moving hours away and leaving behind my job, friends, and especially doctors who know me, would be overwhelming.

Not to mention learning your away around the new location. Like how far away is the grocery store, drug store, shopping areas? How long would it take for 911 to respond and how far away is the hospital? And yikes, looking for a new hairdresser !!

And being in a job is so very important at our age. It keeps our minds active :) And we have other people to chat with. I told my boss I will keep coming in until it was time that I need Uber to get me to and from work. Same with my boss, and he is in his mid 80's.

I am trying to figure out your daugher's new home. What will your daughter do if you decide not to live in the place full time? Seems like a costly investment for her to have just for vacation time, as the homeowner's association fee will need to be collected monthly along with any other fees that one finds in a country club setting. You could be saddled with recreational fees in case you want to teach yoga there, or to use the pool or tennis courts. Something to think about. And since your daughter isn't charging you rent, there could be income tax drawbacks on her investment.

Do you have friends around your age who may want to try a Golden Girls situation in the area you current live? Check with the County/City council on aging and see if there is a list.
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Reply to freqflyer
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At first I thought you should take your daughter up on her offer but if she is controlling or abusive you should continue on your own. If you're living in property she owns, she could someday decide that you need to go to a nursing home and try to force you to do what she thinks best by selling the house out from under you. You'd have to either bend to her wishes or build a new life on your own at a more advanced age. If you're teaching yoga you must be in good shape physically and mentally--you can continue on your own! Can you get a roommate or with the rent increase qualify for a couple of hundred a month in food benefits? Can you get rid of an expensive phone and go for a cheaper one or raise the rates you charge for your work or give up cable? There must be some way to find the extra $300. This is scary and I wish you the best!
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Have you looked into Low Income or Senior Housing in the area where you currently live? I see from your replies to other that you have done this.
Have you thought about house sharing or a roommate? Both would reduce your rent and give you some socialization.
Personally given your responses about your daughter I would not do anything that would allow her to control you. And it sounds like the vacation house would greatly benefit her she gets a deductible property, as well as income from it and sorts of isolates you.
Contact the local Senior Center and see if there is a Social worker that might help you navigate the Senior Housing situation.
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Sildharma Jun 23, 2019
Thank you for your feedback.
i am on 3 different listings for low income housing for about 3 years.
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Your most recent comment and your other comments on our answers changes the entire scenario. You have now provided the additional information that your daughter is controlling and abusive to you.

In my opinion, the last thing you would want to do is put yourself in the position of living in a house they own and being subjected to being under their control.

It sounds like you have not much familial support. If you want or need to move, you’re going to need to handle this yourself. Begin researching the idea of moving and what’s available in your city. A small “studio” apartment might be available for the same rent as a low-income apartment which could take years to get into due to long waiting lists. Research websites like realtor.com and Zillow.com which have rentals listed as well as homes. If you stay in your area, you can keep your job. I don’t understand why your supervisor could not write a simple letter of recommendation for you.

You must be proactive about this research and moving forward with what you need to do. It doesn’t sound to me like putting yourself at the mercy of your daughter is the best idea for your happiness.
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My first reaction, is it legal to raise rent this much. I would call your housing board and find out. Seems an awful lot.
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worriedinCali Jun 21, 2019
Its legal. OP is in California and there is no limit on rent increases here.
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I saw this on your profile and thought you meant you were caring for a sister in law.

“I am caring for Sil, who is 74 years old, living in my home with anxiety, depression, and sleep disorder.”

I realize now that you were referring to yourself. Sorry. I’m glad you asked.

“Summers being hell” wouldn’t be ideal. I’m assuming a hot climate?
But neither does an unsafe neighborhood sound so great. Have you thought about a room mate?

A letter of recommendation from your yoga students, even just a sentence or two could be great on a resume.
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You have two great choices.

Not sure how you can make a fair comparison without checking the new area out. Maybe you have?
How far is the nearest town? How large is it?

Google the new site for yoga classes. Don’t find any, then maybe you could start one.

Three hours seems further the older I get but you can still see friends or have them visit. You might offer yoga retreats?!
You could still see the same doctors. Does your daughter live in a different city from you now? My mom lived three hours from her doctors but she only saw them once a year. They were very accommodating sometimes I think because she was coming such a distance. Medical care is changing. Dr on Demand is supposed to be available for Medicare next year. Urgent Cares are in almost every town. I would still travel to the city for hospitals or procedures if I were you.

What is your relationship like with your daughter and her family? Would they visit often? Would that be a loss of privacy or welcomed? Would you feel compelled to cook and clean or would that be fun to you? Would they be there often or perhaps just seasonal?

Depression is a real deal. So I get not wanting to be too isolated. You would need to set yourself some parameters. Walking is the best thing I ever did for depression. Is the climate one that would allow the outdoors to be a plus? Works better than drugs for me.

What about internet access? Is it readily available? It seems hard for some to believe but that and cable and cell service can be spotty out in the country and that can really be isolating for some who take it for granted.

Its a big decision.

Keep in touch and let us know what you decide.

Edit: Meant to ask. What happened to your SIL?
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Sildharma Jun 21, 2019
thank you for your feedback.....
I do not have close relationship with my family....My oldest daughter lives 2 miles from my place.....but amazing enough she and her husband are willing to buy a 3 bedroom house 3 hours away....Mainly for investment and vacation home and they offer me to live and there .
I do not mind having people around as long they respect me as a human being, and clean up after themselves.
Yes, teaching yoga for seniors would be one of my choices, not guaranteed.
Yes there will be internet connection.
Summers will be living in Hell.
Social life maybe minimum, most seniors are not open to new friendships.
I am very realistic person.
what did you mean with your "edit" question?
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This is feasible but I can tell you that my aunt did something similar a few years ago and regretted it deeply. It's hard to make new friends at 74, especially when you're single. I'd also hate to see you give up that job you have. Can you just look around for a cheaper place to live? Where I'm at one can live in subsidized housing for the elderly at age 62, but there is a waiting list. Contact you local office on Aging, re-structure your budgeting, and even consider a second job as a greeter at a local Wal-Mart or something. The office on aging in my town offers career coaching through JEVS, which is Jewish Educational and Vocational Services. Make some inquiries, ask people, lead another class, try everything else first if you are happy where you are
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Sildharma Jun 21, 2019
Thank you for your feedback...
I agree that is difficult to make new friends at 74 and single..
I am looking the situation from all angles.
I am on 3 low income housing listings for almost 3 years. I know a
I will not qualify for lower rentals, and the areas available are very scary and dangerous.
As I mentioned before I hold day jobs from time to time, plus teaching two-3 classes per week.
I had a stroke in 2016 and that left me with less energy to take up more jobs.
Job hunting: the first thing they look at a 74, age. In their eyes I am a liability and not an asset. Done it many, many times before.
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None of the cons you mentioned are insurmountable. More isolation will occur only if you let it. If this is a country club, they will have activities. Participate. Make new friends. If you have a medical emergency, call 911. If you need in-home care after and if you have one, call an agency. Yoga is popular nationwide. Have the studio you work for now write you a letter of recommendation and find one at the new place. The money you save on rent can be your income supplement. In the same vein, get your medical records together and research doctors where you would move. The new doctor can always call the former doctor if they have any questions about your history or care.
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Sildharma Jun 21, 2019
Great idea, thank you.
Something to consider is that very few seniors have interest in opening their circle of friends.
I moved to my current location 15 year ago. I am very open and sincere person and not overbearing......I still have hard time connecting.
I teach yoga as an independent contractor for Parks and Recreation, therefore I will not be able to get a letter of recommendation.
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With just the information you have provided here, I think I would look for a cheaper living situation near your current home. In particular, I don't think giving up your yoga class is a good idea because it has SO many benefits -- social and financial in addition to health!
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Sildharma Jun 21, 2019
Thank you for suggesting the option of looking for lower rent places.
1 ) I will not qualify on my application for lower rent, and the areas available are not safe....(illegal drugs, shootings, etc )
2) I am already on 3 listings for low income housing since 2016.
Anyway , I will continue to see all the options/ possibilities.
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