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As you scratching your head this is some sort of doup. Tis a fact. My mom as myself where in a major accident Christmas eve 1971. Mom severe traumatic brain injury never rt again a dad that couldn't handle it became an alcholic. I was 1 st birn with 2 siblings m/f. The weight was always on me mom passed 3 1/2 yrs in nursing home which killed me, No help from siblings now round 2 dad in home with alzheimers also no help. Tore my heart to leave him while holding back tears don't leave me hear. Need help also to work from home to give him honor till his time is over. Not crazy yet but diffently need solutions please help Im diminishing always been the glue. Respond ASAP THANKS WITH ALL MY HEART AS SANITY

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I taken care of my brother before he passed,I was told that the VA was going to rein burst me for his burial , I sent in all the papers they request it took at less 2months before I heard back from them only too say that my brother died in a general hospital instant of a VA hospital so I could not collect the money I sent out to have the grave open and all other cost, I think that it was very unfair to our Vets and family is there anything I can do about this? Please let my know its has been over 2yrs. But I did all the paperwork right after my brother passed.
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whew you are SO right Sandwich. I am afraid to speak up to anyone in 'authority' or to tell anyone anything that might hurt their feelings even if it is killing me. really, everything you wrote! didnt even allow myself to dream of having a house or life of my own, just to help the ex, and the next ex, and....
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48 is not too old to begin again. I'm nearly there myself.

See a counselor or therapist. This is very important because you don't have the tools you need to help yourself yet.

You did the right thing by placing your father. There is nothing wrong with putting someone where they can get the care they need. It does not have to be you.

To get past this, you are going to have to confront some experiences & feelings from the past you may not want to visit again, but it's part of the recovery process.

You are going to have to change your thinking. There are a lot of programmed messages you tell yourself and you're not even aware you're doing it, much less need to change it until you start talking to someone who can help you.

Early parentification of children is very damaging. It's too much pressure & responsibility too early in life before coping skills have developed. We turn out as people pleasers and harmony makers. I can't stand loud arguing & fighting because of what I saw/heard in my childhood. We turn out with PTSD from all those experiences so long ago. It doesn't take much to push those buttons in adulthood.

We end up not being able to get along with our peers because we have had to grow up and do adult things, and they have not. Even now, my friends from high school & college have parents 15-20 years younger than my mom. They are not dealing with any old-age stuff yet. This is a reality none of them are in.
I get annoyed by their carefree antics, but I know I shouldn't. I'm just jealous of their freedom.

You can recover from this, but you have to be willing to put the effort in. A counselor is only a guide. You have to do the work to make anything change. The people here on this site can be a huge support for you.
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GardenArtist - I certainly would not consider myself a caregiver at 4yrs old - but I do know I was aware at that age of my parents volitile nature and relationship (he*l, the whole neighborhood was aware of it) and even then I acted as a peace maker and a go-between. I knew what might set them off and what things might escalate or control a situation. Somehow even then I felt it was my responsibility to make sure that everyone was happy and getting along. Not quite a caregiver but too much responsibility and pressure for a child.
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I might be the sole sceptic here but for the life of me I cannot conceive how a 4 year old child can be a caregiver. Four year olds need a lot of support themselves; how could a child possibly care for an adult? Or am I missing something in this situation?
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Mica you are so right! You should be proud of yourself for doing the best that you could. I am sure your parents are so proud of you, you went far above honoring them. You did a "job" for many years that some can only handle for a few months. It will take some time for you to get back into the swing of things, whatever that may be, some new adventure or some old. Don't expect for things to change over night and don't beat yourself up. I commend you for the "job" you did, I know it is not an easy one. Best wishes to you on your next journey.
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I was my parents 'mother' since my 20's. I was the 'glue' and the go-between, now they are both in homes and I have NO idea who i am or what to do with myself. Yes, I almost killed myself literally and physically caring for them....and then suddenly it stopped. - my bf wants me to take off on a long trip and i just want to lay down forever. I guess we need to give ourselves a hug and acknowledge a job well done.... not sure what after that though.
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I wish that I could offer you some advice. Like you, I rack my brain on what I can do to earn income while staying home. The only thing that I keep arriving is - anything dealing with computers. I don't get along with computers.

My therapist hated it when I would say that I'm 'damaged good' (from childhood.) She said that I'm a survivor. Just as you're a survivor. Maybe one day, when you no longer identify as being totally damaged, you will change your name?
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Take an hour for yourself everyday, i do this before everyone else wakes up and do something you enjoy. I will warn you working from home while caretaking is a very difficult task with the constant interuptions. What is your skill set?
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Oh, my! You need a break! You are going to burn out!
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Have one request:

Could you create another screen name? "Damaged" seems so permanent and hopeless. Nicks like "Lyf Sux" and "Psycho Daughter" are also out of the question. How about "Tough 48" or "Ms. Mango"?
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Life has not been fair to you. Here's hoping you can rebuild a better one. Do not hesitate to get counseling help - even what should be a relief from "burdens" is such a huge change that the stress of adapting and adjusting to it could derail just about anyone.
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Sounds to me that house has been your prison all this time, and that your identity has been defined by caregiving. Go out and mingle a bit. It'll give you a chance to put yourself first for a change and see what the community has to offer in terms of employment. Google "work from home," and stop by the nearest hospital to ask for volunteer or part-time openings. Heaven knows you have the skills for it. Bless you my friend.
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Good advice Katiekat, i also was so lost at no longer doing something for my mom 24/7 and I also sat and did nothing for months! Really I did more laying in the couch! Just take one day at a time and spend as much time with your dad as you can and don't feel guilty about the times you can't. I never actually set goals for each day, just did what i could do. This way I wasn't bummed out if everything on a list didn't get done. I just stopped making lists. I also will pray for dome peace and comfort for you and your Dad. Know your mom is with you everyday 😇
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It IS hard to be the only caregiver and you have been doing ut for such a long time! You are not alone. Everyone on this board has a similar story. You may need counseling to deal with all your emotions. After my mom passed, i didn't know what to do with myself. I had become so used to running around doing her stuff and trying to manage my own life. So, i did nothing - for two months, basically sat with a cup of coffee in my hand and looking out the window. It gradually gets better and you establish a new normal for yourself. I will pray for you and your dad. There are a lot of good resources on this board and people always willing to listen.
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