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Im looking for short answers to my question. I probably shouldnt think this way but if it came down to losing a spouse because your a caregiver at home. Thus having to choose between your marriage or your parent(s) which would you choose? ! Just hypethetical and am curious to see your answers! You dont have to say why! Lol

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If I had still been married when I came here and still in love, I would have chosen my spouse over my parent. No contest. Spouse, children, and self are number 1. Parents number 2 even in the Bible.
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might be a good time to review whether the spouse was a worthwhile investment of your life and could be counted on in your time of need. when I sat in the bedroom floor massaging my own aching knees during a particularily hellish hepc treatment and wifey sat on the bed glaring daggers thru me , I came to the realization that this marriage wasn't built on much of a foundation.
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wife and oldest son discarded me after 18 yrs, youngest son after 25 years. my motorcycle has been with me for 30. I can only conclude that ike loves me.
people love you as long as it suits their interests.
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Right on Captain. I prefer my dogs to most people!
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Thank you for commenting guys. Just making coversation!
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My thought is my parents have a wonderful 70 years marriage, why can't I also have the same. If the caregiving is getting in the way, time for Mom and Dad to have a new adventure at a retirement village.
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I did have to make that choice. Not so much from the actual caregiving but from the disrespect of my siblings and their trying to take over our home. Very easy decision; husband above anything else. He is a keeper and has always been my best friend.
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Mate first - no contest.
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My husband for sure. Isn't there something written about forsaking all others? That ALL includes leaving your parents.
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Spouse. Definitely.
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This is a topic that should have come up before marriage, neither my husband or myself would ever ask the other to make that choice. We both believe in caring for our parents, even though we will never get any help from our siblings. If my husband made me choose, I would choose my mom every time and would expect him to do the same. A spouse is replaceable, I only have one Mom.
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As we get older a spouse is difficult to replace, therefore I would prefer to hang onto my spouse/mate since I already have him trained ;)
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Either way you choose, guilt will be there. My ex-spouse kept choosing his mother over me and she wasn't incapacitated at all, just NEEDY (2 failed marriages later, (7 years) it's my understanding he is still a mama's boy) So with that said... if you've got a great spouse, great relationship,partnership I'd choose my spouse. I'd be on his team ...hopefully he'd be on mine.
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My husband hands down.
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Husband!!
My husband died a horrible cancer death
I adored him and we were very happily married for 34 years.

In my living room, in the evening while trying to relax...............I look over at my MIL (alzheimers) glaring at me from her bed... and I wonder how this happened ............that it's her in my living room and not my husband.
He deserved so much better. I miss him in every corner.
I am taking care of his mother because he would've been appalled but also grateful.
That's all I need to know.
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My spouse in a heart beat....
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'Fraid I'm a lone wolf here. I don't like to allow issues to become so polarized that a choice has to be made between one or the other. I think there's always room for compromise and a better solution. Just my $.01 worth.
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Well this question certainly brings up the caregiver's priorities. I am not married but my life is devoted to art and trying to make a modest living. After struggling with a sad dysfunctional family, I finally have come feel the joy within myself. It doesn't mean I am "selfish", but I celebrate my life. My mother has struggled but really she had her golden years dancing, traveling, having boyfriends, etc. I am not married to her! This is the year I took my life back, set boundaries, and let the chips fly where they may. Much happier! When I get old, no aging children will take care of me. I couldn't ask someone to ruin their life for me. Give what you can and spend your love where you need to and want to, carving out your sacred space to live in it; with spouse or alone, or with your Divine Lover.
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I also tend to vote for spouse, because we must leave our parents and cling to our spouse, though yet we still honor our parents. But one exception or caveat - something like what Garden Artist mentions; if spouse is making you choose when you really should not have to - out of jealously or selfishness of only wanting you all to himself or herself and not helping you or supporting you in the care of someone else or something else that is dear and important to you, then by all means DO the right thing and let the chips fall where they may.

If it is a question that caregiving for a parent is destroying my family and my marriage relationship, or at least my ability to be a parent and a spouse, then something should give in the caregiving.
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Hubby for sure. I got to that point - her or him - and it was no contest. He loves me and wants to protect me. Her, not so much.
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Now that I am trying to become closer to the man above, I know the scripture says forsaken all others. I saw caregiving destroy my parents’ marriage and I fight to keep it from destroying ours along with the many issues that are just ours. I don’t like forcing one to choose but rather compromise and prioritize.
I say, if the relationship is a good and healthy one, I would choose my spouse. If my relationship is rocky and headed for divorce (unhealthy), then it probably would be parents.
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Just remember, many a man divorced his wife and kept his dog, because the dog was always glad to see him.
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Shakingdustoff: I met a monk once and asked him why he chose to be a monk.
He said he had fallen in love many times and was very disappointed. He then summed it up: "I prefer to be a slave to a perfect Master than an impossible dream!"
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Assuming a decent relationship with both, spouse, no hesitation. If either/both relationships are dysfunctional, that changes things.
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My whole life and marriage has seemed disfunctional. Lol i had already left the marriage because i was in a dark place for so long, and daggers ewww i felt them and saw them through the glass behind me and there was no argument, only eary silence. The Lord actually guided me to leave, gave me the tools, with no job, children. But after getting sick for a month and seeing it kill my children, and him pursuing me all over again. I did what was best and what then i thought was the thing to do. Moved back. It seems as if i am back in this misery which may be my own. Yes its not anyones job to make u happy. Its between u and allowing God to change you. I agree marriage family first. But when u feel like the only UNCONDITIONAL love is the Love of your father, when he wants to go home. I cant say a small part of me doeant want to go with him! Sorry, thays just how i feel. I know marriage is work, but if it has been mostly work, blah, lonely
Unfufilled for 75 percent of the time and 25 percent you seem at peace and somewhat happy. What do u do. Im tired yall.
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Spouse!
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my3kidsok - so sorry to hear that you too are in a ruff spot and tired. I am working harder to create my own version of happiness. Sometimes it means taking a long ride. I have gone to the bluff and looked out at the river just praying. I have gone on walks by myself down at the bluff. I’ve started to attend church even when it means going on my own. I’ve gone back to work – thank goodness for the flexible schedule. I’ve started to work out some. After work, I don't always run home.

I hope you can get that peace you need and deserve as well. Life is too short; we too need to enjoy some before our number comes up.
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In the animal kingdom, some species mate for life. Some parents (especially mothers) are fiercely protective of their vulnerable young. But after the young become independent, are there any species that maintain any kind of bond between parent and offspring? Does anybody know?
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Jeanne, there are a few species that maintain their bonds to their young. Elephants, zebras, some primates, meercats, a very few birds, and some others can form family bonds and groups. Altruism is seen only in a few. Meercats have allegiance upward to the parents, which is lost quickly when the reproductive pair is overthrown. They are fascinating little critters.

This is a hard question to answer, because each species has its own way about it. Some don't mind the youngsters hanging around, while others run them off. Few, however, will sit around and chat with their kids.
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I have to add that humans are the only species I can think of where the young are expected to care for the elders. We are unique like that. Maybe elephants also have elder care, but I doubt that it is expected from them.
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