If you knew then what you know now, would you still be a caregiver to your parents?

P.S. Some people do not have a choice, financially.
In these situations, I would highly recommend people make their own health (exercise, meditate, move, dance) and eat a healthy diet A PRIORITY.
And get in group or individual therapy as necessary.
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

I am not sure why this question is asked -
* Many adult children want to do the best for their aging parent in need. Guilt may play a part. Many do not know what is potentially involved so in retrospect, perhaps many would not do it.
* But once the decision has been made, and perhaps an adult child is doing their best, is stressed out, and resents their initial decision, why consider what you would have done.
* So many of us would have made different decisions over our life-time if we could have done it over again, whether we are caring for an aging parent or not.
* I do think this discussion may help those who are considering what to do.
I hope they read these comments to help them make a careful, considered decision.
* I do believe many people do not know how to set boundaries, have emotional and psychological ties/relationships with parents that may be extremely stressful in this somewhat 'role reversal' -
* Many people do not know how to deal with dementia until it is thrust upon them and sometimes very quickly. It is not easy to deal with no matter how much training / education a person has. And adult children of dementia inflicted usually have NO education in this area - and learn 'on the job' as best they can.
* In retrospect, I would have married at 18, have kids with who I think was the love of my life, and hopefully by the grace of God still would have become politically progressive. I am very proud of my humanitarian values.
* This is my work. I am helping a friend now (over this month) although I haven't had the experience so many people on this forum have - caring for a parent. I can't imagine how difficult that must be - in so many ways. I only hope that we, collectively, here support you and 'us' in some ways. If I could have, I would have done this work many year sago; it feels very sacred. HOWEVER... I offer care management/direct service, advocacy, coordinating, hiring caregivers, contractors, emptying out 3 bedrm houses, helping with relocation, working with families, and am a certified massage therapist and have clients in their 90s.
I've learned that a DMV ID card can be done through a home visit (for disabled); have learned to manage oxygen needs 24/7, deal with sleep apnea machines, get passports, do all kinds of shopping and research... and on and on. I am currently assisting one client planning her 100th birthday celebration in June.
AND . . . if my own mother had lived beyond age 74, I believe it would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible, for me to work with her as a caregiver. I would have had a breakdown. My work is very different from most caregivers. I love what I do. With that said, I gain a lot of education from reading this site. It feels very helpful and supportive to many. I recommend it often to others.

Yes. I wouldn't of wanted others with her, as in the end, she had to go for awhile to a Elder care and they didn't watch her like we did and her injury killed her.

Yes, because my late mother gave me no other option.

If I knew what I know now, way back when, I would have left the country to get away from both my parents. They near destroyed me and my life. They are both gone now, but I've had to wait until I'm in my mid 60's to start living.

Never would I have thought to take her in. I did for a little over a year and I became her personal slave. She refused to get out of her room to then complain to her "favorite" son that she never went anywhere--LIES!! I would take her to the park up the road for some exercise and sunshine. I would take her to her favorite stores and tolerated her roaming from isle to isle touching everything and getting in everyone's way. Her "favorite" son was also the son who exploited her financially to the extent of wiping out her bank account. Regardless, he is a "good" son according to her. This "good" son is an addict and has threatened family members (myself and our niece) with bodily harm, yet he is a "good" son. As a human, I care what happens to my mother. As a daughter, I do not love my mother. I was severely abused emotionally and physically as a child, teen and even into my adulthood.

Excellent question and I'm interested in reading the answers of those who have done this tremendously draining job. Best wishes to you, especially on upcoming (US) Mother's Day.

I shall never know the answer, though I wanted and planned for Mom to live with me. I even asked a carpenter to estimate her needs for a downstairs space, converting the formal dining room for her use. She and I talked about this decision and she agreed about 2009 that when the time came, she would move in. She passed in 2015 in an excellent SNF after three years, children and grandchildren at her side.

I was all unknowing about Medicaid, Medicare and so forth in 2009, and the whole family had planned for a live in caregiver in a room 15 feet away from hers. I sat myself down to think over what it might mean and realized it could spell the end of our good relationship, which would need to change as a matter of necessity. I had done lots of child care but only a little elder care. I wondered if I could stand it because it's a difficult job, and because my disabled spouse lives with me, too. I wondered if I would hate her. Certainly I hope not, but the point is moot.

this is a tricky question, because although I always say, I will never do this again, which I do not have to anymore, but I will never caregive again for sure, even if it is a husband. Never doing this again. I would say this, being an only child and my mother just died 3/2/19, I took care of her since Oct 2008. There have been a lot of plusses and minuses with caregiving. I think my biggest problem was my failing health that I had, that is now finally turning around 2 months after her death, I am feeling so much better. Everyone says, you need to stay healthy, which is true, but what I am figuring out is, when you are actively caregiving, something happens that you just don’t care to put yourself first - really. Some kind of chemical change must happen in the brain that makes you just not care as much about yourself as you would when you are solo. Maybe it could be that I developed sleep apnea as well, so I had no energy to care for her. I would say I would do it again if it wasn’t for so long. If I knew it would be for 5 yrs, yes I would. 10.5 yrs - no I would not again.

For me it has been a very long, complicated journey but at times somewhat rewarding. My mom and I have lived together off/on for 20 years. I bought a home and made the ridicules decision to let her move in since she really wanted to. Worst decision I ever made because she started treating me like I was a child. I was 36 at the time, divorced, worked full-time and had been on my own since 18!!!! She always thought she knew better - then I find out she only had an 8th grade education. The more older, mature, intelligent and independent I became - the worse she could act at times. She was a game player, tried to pull out the guilt trips, etc. Now she's 92 and has been back with me for 2 1/2 years. At this point I don't really have a choice as she's in great health. But it has definitely taken it's toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. I have friends that just don't get "it". They think that just because she cooks for me and bakes cakes cookies I have it made. I'd gladly eat a P&B just to have peace. We do get along at times and I can even enjoy her company. She has left her mark on me emotionally and some of the things she has done I cannot forgive as it was so uncalled for. I have 2 brothers that help very, very little and feel like I'm on an island....alone....with her.

She even tries to get me to move back to her small town, sell my furniture - like whaaaaat, and get an apartment? I have a home that is paid for and nice furnishings - why the hell would I sell it??? I know when she passes I've done everything humanly possible for that woman and will have nothing to feel guilty about it. If I had to do it all over again...NO! I wish I would have moved far away, away from her prying eyes and emotional abuse and her need to control everything I do. And her poor choices in life dragged mine down. Because I'm soft-hearted and wanted to help her I now know......"NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!" But I see her getting more frail, afraid and lonely. She has lost most of her friends so I will see this through. I'm hoping she will die peacefully in her sleep - because I think having to deal with the nursing home would do me in!

No way

I never brought my dad into my home to live with me. I am glad I didn't. I love him but I know I could not handle him. He is a big man and falls quite easily. Also before he went into the nursing home he was a big drinker. He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in 3 years now, the nurses at the nursing home said I can bring alcohol for him but I don't because he was getting very nasty with the alcohol. I am now his POA and that is frustrating and stressful sometimes. But I know that I could never have looked after him in my home or his own. In fact, I know that if he lived in his own home after my mom died, he would not be alive today.

There was no way that we could be caregivers for my little mother.
Her doctor enlightened us to the fact that things would progress.
She stayed with us for 3 weeks before behavioral issues set in.
So we had to get her evaluated and permanently placed in memory care. Mom now has advanced dementia alzheimers but healthy.It's been a tough road still, but all is well.
I'm permanent guardian of my mother.
I wouldn't recommend being caregivers for anyone. To move them in your home to live, etc., is simply way too much physically, emotionally. Especially family members. We want to give them the best quality of life possible. It's rare that this can work out by keeping them with us. The task will always be to locate a prime place for them to live where that quality of life is experienced.

No change in my decision. They needed assistance. I provided it the best way I could.

I didn’t have a choice of taking my mother-in-law in ( long story ) She’s been here 10 months and I can honestly say the woman has destroyed my life.

My situation was a little different than the question asks. I cared for my husband who was bed bound for over a year with Parkinson's disease. I fed him a very soft diet, gave him medicine every 3 hours, and climbed onto his hospital bed to change him. Sometimes he didn't know who I was. I hardly left the house. I would gladly do it again. What I would change is that I would spend more time sitting with him, holding his hand, and talking to him. Near the end he couldn't talk. He passed away last month. But I would not do this to my children. The parent child relationship is different, but each case is individual, and a personal decision.

To Fairefiles: most of us go at it alone because we have no choice. We don’t have the luxury of loving family members including siblings to help. That would be a fairy tale, Ms. Fairefiles!

No probably not.

No, I would not do it again. Going on 13 yrs w my Mom and due to outside influences we’ve pretty much thrown in the towel. Five siblings all within 35 min but I receive no help. I’m leaving soon w my husband and won’t feel guilty. Another sibling that’s caused so much hate and discontent has stepped up. Well they’ll be two peas in a pod and I wish them well. I’ve given her the best life the past 13 years but I’m tired. I want to be alone w my husband.

NO NO NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO.

Oh heck no. I had no idea how difficult it would be even after I moved her into an ALF. Also, she was a terrible mother, not really physically abusive, but definitely emotionally, and it got worse. I'm an only child, she has 1 brother that wouldn't blame me. I should have simply changed my phone # and disappeared before I had to start taking care of her. She's always thought she could do everything herself - I should have let her. I assume she'd have ended up in state care.

For a while we had a gem of a caregiver. Having her made life easier while I worked. Unfortunately she had to return to home country to take care of her aging mother after her sister got ill.

After she left I "retired" and tried working from home. Hired a string of caregivers since then. Each had her good points and down sides for various reasons.

Assisted living would deplete mom's finances. Those we saw were not great facilities. Got first hand experience with a nursing home when mom was placed in one for a contagious lung problem. Not great either the most exasperating is the lack of enough staff.

Sometimes its not a choice but a necessity to be the caregiver.

If I had a choice and means would I be the caregiver. NO!

NO! I wouldn’t do it. I totally agree and I also had siblings who mother treated like two year olds up into their 50’s. So bad that she would call them when it was cold or rainy to tell them to make sure they wore a jacket. She also poured money she didn’t have to one of my brothers because he never had a full time job and always broke.

Neither brother ever offered to help for the 7 years I took care of mom and her large property by myself with a full time job. She or I did not have the money to hire anyone.

After I retired, is when mom’s health started deteriorating and then couldn’t drive. So even more responsibility was put on me for doing her shopping and laundry.

When she started falling, I had to move her in with me and my new husband of only one year. We almost got divorced over it. It was extremely hard. I was angry all the time. I was pissed at my brother. I got upset with my mother.

I finally told my one brother that he was going to start doing his share or some other arrangements were going to happen.

So in exchange for free rent, he and his partner takes care of my mom in her house now and he likes being around his mother. He actually misses her when she has had to go to the hospital.

Bottom line for me was admitting I’m not cut out to be a caregiver for her. I am still involved with her care as far as making decisions and taking her to her many dr appts.

Both of my parents were/are in facilities once they could not care for themselves. My Stepfather was not, he was totally cared for by my mother( Alzheimer’s) . Both of my parents got much better care than my stepfather. My mother did her best but something families don’t consider is they do not have the professional understanding to care for a sick person. They simply don’t understand the illness like those educated in it do. It amazes me that people who would never think they could diagnose or treat an ulcer alone assume they know how to best care for dementia . If they did they’d realize 99% of them are not physically, emotionally nor mentally up to the task.

I most certainly would not do it AT ALL PERIOD! I am caring for my stubborn 86 year old father who thought he was going to just come and live with me and my spouse in our home for FREE while he sent whatever little money he lad left over each month to his sister in NY. He drew up a will and though I am suppose to get paid for all my services at $15 which is WAY BELOW MY HOURLY RATE when I work I would not do it. I am penniless while I am caring for him and he won't sell his damn houses to pay for his living expenses and wants to leave them to my other sister and a half sister. Go figure. I told him that if he doesn't do something positive soon he will soon find himself alone in his house and no one to care for him. He would not last more than maybe seven (7) days. He needs constant care and I absolutely HATE IT! I did not put myself in debt for a Masters Degree in Aviation Management to be a cleaning person!!!! FYI, my dad did a lot for other folks including my half sister and nothing for me and my legal sister who he had with our mother his wife period!!! My blood sister absolutely refuses to do anything for him after she had made promises!!! The half sister doesn't even call me to see how he is doing. He is the one calling them. I blocked their numbers...I do it all, I cook, clean house, clean him, grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, cleaned out 60 boxes that packed in NY and brought on the rental truck to FL, I fix whatever needs to be fixed in his home, pay all his bills, look after his medicare plan etc. I am overwhelmed, and so damn tired. His home is in a God forsaken area with no signal for my cell phone...I absolutely HATE IT!!!! I thought I was done cleaning out his stuff when I went the dresser and chest drawers to put some of items in them I found that I had not gone through these yet. Oh my goodness, I am so tired!!! I found things about how my mom suffered while living with him...as I am cleaning out his stuff I am bawling like a baby not for him but for my deceased mom and how she suffered at his hands as well as the healthcare system that KILLED her...she got MRSA in the hospital and spent 10 and half months and never came home!!!

Short answer, NO!!

Long answer, maybe, for maximum of six months. In a health crisis only.

Six months is the length of time I moved both parents at different times in my house. Six months was the original plan anyway. Both times, it dragged into years. I live alone and do care giving solo, so time limits are a definite boundary.

If I had known then what I know now, I would not have quit my job, paycheck, company contributions to my retirement, moved to another state, given up my freedom to do things, strained my marriage, taken a toll on my own health and my husbands health. We are still doing the best we can going on 5 years of care for my MIL with Alzheimer's. We too thought the other son would help because he lives a few miles down the road, but no. He does send flowers on Mother's Day, birthday's, and Christmas. As if that is any help to us. I think it is the best for her care, and finically for her, but not for our care or finically.

I would not have moved in with my mom. What was I thinking? But I would have cared for her for sure, but stayed in my own house. I'm afraid now of what is ahead for her and for me. She has good care in assisted living, but I watch the other people move out to memory care or nursing homes and have a creeping dread of another change for her as she slips further and further out of reality.

I most definitely would do it again. The time spent with my parents are now precious memories. Even though some family members have turned on me I'm slowly getting through it. Even though siblings have made nasty accusations against me its actually been a blessing.They have made me see them for who they truly are.

First thing to do is take control of the checkbook and get financial power of attorney. Try to get their life in order for the end before they become incompetent so their wishes can be carried out. My dad still thinks he owns a motor home that he sold 20 years ago!

Personally, yes, but each situation and each person is different both physically and psychologically/emotionally. In my own experience, I cared for a MIL, a FIL, my own Dad, and now, part time assistance for my Mom. Each situation was different. My MIL and FIL lived with my family and I. They had separate living quarters so my husband, sons and I had our own space and privacy. It did make care-giving easier to be in the same residence. My son and husband helped with care for my FIL when he became dependent but since he remained mentally competent we could leave him alone (with emergency alerts/contacts) for short periods of time. We also had an aide come twice a week to help with showering, etc. My Dad had a massive stroke and required total care. With the help up my siblings and aides at night we were able to provide care in his home. It was physically and emotionally difficult but I have no regrets as he was in the comfort of his own home with loved ones around him. It was an opportunity to give back to him in a small way, what he had given to his family.
Nevertheless, all situations are different and certainly when there is dementia involved, it is exceedingly difficult. So we each have to honestly assess what is best for all concerned- care giver and care receiver. It will depend on numerous factors and the answer will be different for each circumstance. The most important thing, of course, is that the dependent elder receives the care that he/she needs. This can be accomplished through many means including care by family, in home care, assisted living, adult day care, or long term care facility.  There are no right or wrong answers. Every person and situation is unique but whatever the decision, I concur with all the above who advise getting all legal affairs in order, including a will, power of attorney and health care proxy while a parent is still competent. It makes any transition infinitely easier if a parent becomes unable to handle these affairs for his/herself.