If you knew then what you know now, would you still be a caregiver to your parents?

Absolutely, I would do it again. I was caregiver for my Grandma, too!

Yes, even after 10 years of caregiving, I would help provide my parents' care again. But given the last five years, when I was my dad's full-time caregiver and now knowing what I soon learned, I would start out with better ground rules with my siblings. I would have dissolved my dad's trust, thus eliminating the need to force a sister to resign as it's trustee. And I would have probably had my dad sign a new durable power of attorney, thereby removing several siblings from sharing any legal responsibility of his health care and finances (which probably would have eliminated my need to instruct them on laws protecting vulnerable adults). With those ground rules in place, I would not have had to become my dad's legal guardian and conservator and I might have moved him into a memory care facility a few months sooner than I did, e.g. after 2.5 or 3 years in our home, instead of 3.5 years. Even with my wife's daily assistance, the first couple of years of full-time caregiving were hard, but the last year and a half with us was much harder and I became barely functional with ony frequently interrupted sleep.

      What my wife and I didn't know when we agreed to move my dad from another state to live with us was that my siblings' previously shared commitment to helping provide his care would, for the most part, end. Only one sister (and her husband) out of seven siblings proved to be willing to continue providing any meaningful assistance. Some siblings remained passive and that was fine, but other siblings conspired to undermine my commitment to ensuring that all of our dad's financial resources would be available when he needed them for his well-being. These latter siblings did not question the level of care my wife and I had provided at almost no cost for my dad for 3.5 years, but they often questioned minor expenses and then really balked when I told them his house would have to be sold for him to continue living in the best memory care facility available rather than move him to the cheapest facility.

      It's hard being a full-time caregiver for anyone with Alzheimer's dementia and in our case it was made harder by several siblings, but my dad deserved the best care we could provide and we would do it again, but, like I said, we would start out with different ground rules.

I just discussed this with someone yesterday - taking care of one's elderly parents vs. placing them somewhere. First and foremost, you have to assess the truth of the relationship you had with them growing up and in your adult years. If it was a loving, kind, compatible relationship through thick and thin, that makes it a bit more complicated. But if they were harsh, not loving, and weren't too pleasant and caused problems, I don't see that you have any obligation except to place them. Second, you and you alone must determine are you a caregiver? Do you have the tolerance, patience and personality to take on this job? If you don't or won't, DO NOT DO IT - IT WILL END IN DISASTER. Remember, not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Or there are jobs to think of, families to raise, and the list goes on. And the parents might need help that is of a higher level than you can reasonably provide or they might have horrible behavior and verbal problems - in which case, DO NOT DO IT. Every situation is different. And you must remember, if they live with you, THEY MUST LIVE BY Y O U R RULES and if not, what will the consequences be? You also have to consider what other siblings you have and whether or not they will help. Don't be a fool. Think of yourself first and act accordingly.

How do you not?? No money for nursing home and I'm pulled apart by the thought of one. My Mom is sweet but cannot be left alone for any time and will not accept a caregiver in our home. I cannot work, see friends (those who are left), I can't even do housework in front of her. My husband is 68 and wants to know when we will have our life back. I believe that she would be dead in 3 months if placed but agonize about why her life is more important than mine. I would tell anyone who asks........just say no.

I want new siblings! Please! What a GREAT idea!

Married 58 years. Sole caregiver 24/7/365. Final stage of ALZ. Yes in a second. You do not lose your love for someone because of the tough patch you are in. Every day together is a day well spent

NO I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY HUSBAND WHO WAS INTELLIGENT VERY TALENTED WITH COOKING MAKING FURNITURE ,PAINTING PICTURES AND SO ON, BUT NOW HE IS LIKE A 5 YR OLD AND I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I RESENT HIM AT TIMES AND I AM GOING AWAY FOR A WEEK THE END OF JULY AND PUTTING HIM IN RESPITE ,I AM SURE I WILL GET A FIGHT AND THERE TOO I FEEL GUILTY BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OUR SELVES.

So many answers. Some the same and some vastly different. Thanks everyone for responding to my post. So interesting to see how everyone feels on this topic.

This is a tough question! It's yes and no.

Yes, I'd take of my mom and dad again because they took care of me for about 45 years (I have cerebral palsy). However, I wished I would have known about getting a lawyer as soon as they were in their 60s to avoid probation, and POA. We did it at the last mins. right before Mom has became incompetent. Also, I wish I had known the conditions such as Sundown Syndrome, cognitive impairment and dementia before they got there. I wish I had known that their mail of bills that they forgot to do. I saw the piles, but I didn't that were bills to be paid.

I am the OP. Just an update. I went on Monday to see my new heart specialist. I like him. He seems very knowledgeable and he is kind.

I have to start taking my health more seriously. I did tests. More tests lined up. My primary doctor said my lab work was off. Taking different meds. Changed dosage on some meds. So we are working on getting things in balance. Lots of follow up visits scheduled. Big step for me because I am not one to run to the doctor. I hate going but I cannot neglect myself any longer.

Stress is a killer! Not eating properly, or should I say, skipping eating isn’t good for me, so I need to change that too. Not getting enough rest because of caring for mom for so long. Caregiving absolutely takes it’s toll on us.

I had this dumped in my lap which made it more stressful for me. Like many people in New Orleans mom was left homeless after Hurricane Katrina destroyed her home. That is how she came to live with us. There was no time to plan anything. The city was in mayhem after Katrina.

I must say I was not properly prepared for any of this. In spite of dearly loving my mom it would never have been what I would have wanted in my life, 14 years and counting of caring for mom in my home.

Has been a long winding road for both mom and my family. Lots of bumps in the road as well. I am still looking at alternative solutions and trying to care for my own health needs. Takes time. I thank God for a loving and supportive husband.

My heart sincerely goes out to every single caregiver on this site. Hugs to all of you for being there for me. I appreciate it so very much!

I agree... It's different after your good heart and intentions go into overdrive because you feel like you are drowning in all kinds of dynamics while trying to keep them... safe, out of a 'home', fed, clothed, 'happy' (which isn't our reponsibility), entertained, answered to (have to justify almost every thing you do), physically deal with them (this is hard as they age... pushing a wheelchair, gettng them to and from... into the car), washed/hair done, nails clipped, ... It's so exhausting and it's a scarfice you never imagined. (Then, you have siblings, or other people telling you what you should or shouldn't do... or, you loose your friends, jobs suffer, opportunities wane... and, the best years of your life are gone... and, oh yes... then, there's 'your' health.... Why should 'we' feel like the 'bad' guy... especially when a parent ridicules us or treats us like a 'child'... all, because 'they' can't get their way.... (I have literally bent over backwards through the years for my mother and I know that absolutely nothing I would/could do would make her appreciate me... sad). The resistance and non-support I have gotten for the past 15 years has been so hard on me... to say the least. Sometimes I think 'parenthood' is overrated when you don't have or show empathy or appreciation for 'your' child... Yes, I realize some just don't have it in them to give... or can be narcissistic or some other malady.... which doesn't help the caregiver at all.

Please listen to this song … https://youtu.be/PxEOWhspwEA. Get the tissues ready.

Thank you for posting since i refuse to live with my daughter when health prevents my husband and me to live at home.

I have paid for long term insurance for about 15 years now and the price is almost $ 1000 a month now for both of us. But i think its worth it.

My daughter has offered to have us live with her and i continue to say no ... she doesnt know what shes asking for. If nothing else how will she feel at night when she comes home tired from work and we want to be entertained ... not to mention if we’re sick or bedridden or have dementia !

Im actually concerned that we’ll be healthy for so long that our bills will be so high that the insurance will cover only a small option of our needs so im continuing to work and trying to save. My retired husband pays our everyday bills.

Anyway ... thank you. It does make me feel better about turning down my daughters offer.

ABSOLUTELY!! As difficult as it has been I cherish every minute I have with my Mom who has cancer and is slowly slipping away from me. It is a difficult journey to watch your parent become frail in front of your eyes but also a blessing to know they are in a loving, caring environment in their final days

I have been taking care of my mother for 18 years. I would do it all over again if I had to. The time I spent taking care of my mom has been a rewarding experience. I will cherish my time spent with her for rest of my life!

I would do it again, even though it was very hard. She (my mom) just couldn't handle Assisted Living. We tried for a week. I visited every day, but it just wasn't working. It was difficult for my husband and me to take care of her, but I wasn't going to make her miserable. I dressed and fed her, gave her showers, put up with her mood swings due to Alzheimer's, etc. It wasn't easy physically, mentally, financially, etc., but we all did the best we could. Each situation is different though.

Yes I would I loved my mom more than anything I would do it over and over..i miss my beautiful mom she died last year July 15 , 2018 my heart broke and I miss her so much,,

I would. It's good to be reminded of that answer. No matter how awful, challenging, frustrating, stinky, aggravating it is, I could not stand by and see either of them in a nursing home. And they have been there for me as well. It's payback. I just wish I could have some help to keep up with the housekeeping, a little more sleep, and my sibling in town to share it all.

Yes I would.

I would do it again, but knowing what I know now, I would do a lot of it differently. I would not correct my mom's memory of things, as I did in the beginning, when I had so little information on all this. Her confused looks still haunt me. All in all I see this part of my life as necessary events to go through to know more about life, about myself, and others around me.

No I would not care for her. My situation is unusual I guess in that my mother is a narcissist and has emotionally and verbally abused me my entire life. I believed I deserved it for 50 years even though I never believed she was right about me. It was hard enough to finally realized she’s been wrong about me and distance myself but it doesn’t stop her from trying to manipulate me .
Fortunately she is well off . I found her a very nice upscale ILF then ALF. She abused me verbally for “putting her there” but she actually likes it, rules over some of the women and turns on the charm for the staff, her ideal situation. My husband and I take care of her health issues, etc. without thanks nor appreciation naturally but I wouldn’t expect it. I do it from a distance, I’m always kind and polite to her like I’ve always been but honestly I have no love for her, too much water under that bridge.
I sometimes wish I had a loving mother and father but I didn’t so I have been determined to be the best mother, grandma and wife , the opposite of her. That is the silver lining , she taught me not to be like she is . I go out of my way to help them , but I’d never be a caregiver for my mother . I have enough self worth not to.

I am currently in this situation. Total care is currently being managed by me and a paid caregiver in my mother's home. I currently am not working so it is manageable. But I return to work in September and I dont know what I am going to do. The hardest part for me is remembering that the woman in front of me is not the woman of my memories. It shocks me at least once a day that she needs directions to use the bathroom. I don't know how long I will be able to do this.