If we have to put mom in a nursing home, I fear they will be calling me all the time. Any advice?

It sounds a bit like you’re using “they might be calling all the time” as a last excuse to not place her?

The thing about a telephone is that you can let the calls go to voicemail whereas with mom at home, you can't 'turn off' the talking and listen to it later. If your mother is killing your father, then you have to think about what's best for ALL concerned. A nursing home may be the best answer, because at-home care must work for everyone in the home, not just 'mom'. Of course she 'wants' to stay home and be waited on hand & foot, talk incessantly which translates to complaining, and not take into account how it's affecting her husband and everyone else having to deal with her. But you have to take dad into consideration as well. If you place mom in Skilled Nursing, then you can all go visit her on YOUR schedule, as guests, and not as caregivers, and leave when the meanness gets ramped up. You can all go back to being family members again rather than caregivers, and that means you get your lives back, all of you.

Yes, of course you'll have peace back in the house once mom is placed! You choose to take one phone call a day from her if the calls become incessant, and that's that. In time, she'll develop a new routine in the SNF and acclimate. My mother lived in Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years, and in regular AL for 4 years prior, and had quite an active life there with activities, meals, side trips with the mini bus, movies, visitors coming to see her, etc. She also got great care from a team of people who truly loved her.

It takes quite a lot to get 'kicked out' of Skilled Nursing; the staff is used to complaining elders and have seen it all, pretty much. Just b/c your mother is chatty and irritating at home doesn't mean she'll act that way once she's placed. She can turn out to be entirely different in a new environment. My mother treated me like DIRT and the staff in her MC like solid gold. It's 'funny' how that works out sometimes.

Best of luck!

How does dad feel about this? Is it worth it for him to place her? Because if cognizant, this is HIS decision. There is no “we.”

your mom sounds like mine, (constant talking, being mean) but as my dad is gone she is killing me. (my dad died from Alzheimers four years ago and my brother claims he did not die from ALZ but from 60 years of being with my mom, he asked who could put up with that without going crazy

In my case, my mom first was in rehab for three weeks following a fall and now in senior (independent) living. In each case yes, she always called (calls), complains, etc

The workers at the indy living facility call me a saint for having to deal with her

Based on what you say it sounds like your mom would do the same but that is not a reason to not put her in one. You would have more peace than now and would have more control in just refusing to answer phone, etc rather than have her be there all the time.

And yes you can get kicked out. A friend of my moms got kicked out of her place for slapping an aide across the face.

All of you would be better off with her in a care facility. They are equipped to take care of her issues whereas it’s all new to you and your dad, so every day you are inventing the wheel ! Will this work, will that work, omigod I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings, maybe I better go check on dad, but he’s sleeping so I’d better take care of this myself, but what the heck kind of brace should I get for her wrist and will she agree to go to the doctor, and did the water bill get paid this month? It goes on and on. If all you had to deal with was a phone call every day from her or the care facility, it would be pure bliss. You aren’t required to twist yourself into knots for your parents. You deserve relief from this.

When I worked in a hospital, they were always around. The staff can come up with ideas to deflect. Surely they could be annoying, but I got to go home to peace when off duty

A nursing home that can't handle its patients and their talking, griping, and snotty behavior doesn't deserve to be in business. In other words, your mom is nothing they haven't seen before, and they know how to deal with it.

However, if she's violent and uncontrollable, she could get punted, but I'd cross that bridge when I got to it. There are other nursing homes who take on those patients -- they don't just send them home.

Gardnergirl, often times when you warn the elder that their behavior has to stop or they will be placed, and you are serious about it, they’ll act to quell the behavior.

Her negative behavior can be managed MUCH more comfortably FOR ALL CONCERNED, including YOUR MOM, in a residential setting.

You and your family will have to adjust to the discipline of how to manage and ignore phone calls and visits, and learn to stand up say “I LOVE you Mom, but I gotta go”, when she is cantankerous when you visit.

Believe it or not, the staff who is caring for her will be unfazed by anything “mean” she says or does, and will have strategies for dealing with anything she throws at them.

Also, and very important, you may be able to have psychiatric/psychological testing done that will lead to a suggestion of small doses of medication. You may be surprised to learn that she has the capacity to be a pleasant, reasonable person, or at very least, a decent, manageable one.

Nobody, NOBODY—- WANTS to enter residential care, but safety and 24/7/365 care may be MUCH more important toner welfare (and yours) than what she wants, or thinks she wants.

She is not in any way entitled to damage the lives of those her love her. You have all tried Plan A, and found that it wasn’t working well for anyone

Time for Plan B.

I believe it was a wise man in ancient China who originated the quote "ringing phones need not be answered."

From what you're describing she belongs in a nursing home.

LOL. I like that part 'asking for a friend'. Tell your friend, that yes a person can be kicked out of a nursing home. They cannot be put out onto the street but a nursing home will transfer a resident to a different facility if they become too unruly.
Is your mother in her right mind or does she have some kind of dementia?
If she's still with it enough to understand and have an adult discussion, then you and your father should sit down with her and have an adult talk.
Explain to her that the constant talking, meanness, complaining, and fussing is too much for you and your father to handle. Then tell her that she is going on probation for 90 days. If her behavior does not improve a ten-fold in that time, she will be getting placed in a nursing home. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the people they are caregiving for. Ask her what she thinks will happen if your father has a heart attack and dies because he can't take the stress anymore. Then tell her that it will not involve you taking your father's place as caregiver.
Please give her the advice I have given so many of my stubborn and fussy care clients.

'Nothing gets a person a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster then being stubborn'.

The home won’t be calling you all the time, but mom will. Since this is dads decision, he absolutely has to be steeled against this.

You can control mother’s phone calls to you, and ask the facility to call if there really is an emergency. You can go back to being a daughter.

I’d suggest that you discuss the same system with your Dad. He can visit her as much as he likes, as her husband not carer. He can leave if she’s mean, and say ‘I’ll come back when you’re feeling happier’. He can skip days so that he has a better life himself. And he can also control any phone calls to him.

Keeping your Dad happy with this is an important part of making it work.

My mom is a HUGE talker too!

What helped me a lot was limiting her calls to ONE a day. If it was an emergency I knew the facility would call me too. ( I say ‘was’ because she is not able to call on her own now )

She also called me upwards of 17x a day to complain so I got a ‘dumb’ flip phone and never gave her that number. Turned off the ringer on my phone whose number she has. The constant ringing and knowing what was behind it drove me bananas. She was filling up my voicemail on my smartphone but now I don’t miss important calls because I have the 2nd number to give out as needed. This system has worked out so well for me . Not sure what it costs right now but I just added the cheapest phone possible to my plan and it has been so worth a few dollars extra a month.

Ideally I would have given mom the new # and had that be ‘her’ line, but she hasn’t been in a mental space to switch numbers. That’s the only thing I would have done differently if I could.

Good luck with everything!

Hey, it is time to place your mom! Get a psychiatrist, an ombudsman and the staff to talk with your mom. You cannot be abused and manipulated any longer. And, please block your mother’s calls to your phone to gain peace and rest. Call and visit your mom as a friend and get out when things become bad.

She probably will be better off - and so will you and your Dad. You may be hesitating because it is a big adjustment for you. I understand. I am at the same crossroad and am still struggling with it. I have decided to get through the holiday season and make some decisions during the winter/spring. That is unless they are made for me by circumstances. I am coming up on two full years of caretaking and even with outside help it is taking its toll.

if you decide to place her and she is capable of understanding, I would explain to her that once in the facility she will get better care and have her needs met if she is not mean and demanding because no one wants to help a mean person. Whether she actually does get better care for being polite and cooperative may or may not be true, but it sure can’t hurt - unless she gets ignored. Then you need to take action. At home at times my mother has fallen into a nasty patch here and there and has even hit and pinched. I have told her her that is a no go unless she wants the same back. Of course I would never do that but the look in my eye must be enough because that pretty much stopped. I give her plenty of leeway if she has a brewing UTI and therefore is not able to think straight.

I concur with the others. The nice thing about a facility is that there is a possibility that she might find someone who is willing to just listen, or someone who she can converse with.

My 90+ year old friend who was widowed and lived alone (however with many cats) for over 40 years, had to be placed in Memory Care ward due to her wandering. The day she moved in, there was a guy greeting everyone. He took an interest in her and she found him interesting to talk to. They spent a lot of time together. His family works in the police field and had her vetted. They were surprised to find out she had worked at the sheriff's office as he also had worked in the sheriff's office. They were best buddies for the next 5 years until she passed.

She told everyone while she was alive, that it took her to move into a Memory Care ward, to find a soulmate after her husband passed.

My mother sounds like yours. She was in memory care and then a nursing home. Fortunately she wasn't able to call me but the homes kept sending her to the ER mostly in the middle of the night which was really hard as I had to go and cart her back. Seemed unnecessary to me.

Staff in assisted living/nursing homes are trained to handle different kinds of residents, with different needs. Staff at my mother's residence only called me if they needed approval to fill a prescription or get supplies for my mother, or if something happened, like a fall or if they noticed a bruise. If your mother can still telephone, she may call you. Have you talked with your Mom to see how she would feel to go to assisted living? The advantage is that she'd have people around who are her own age, they have skilled staff, they organize activities, take care of all the meals, do the laundry and cleaning, etc. But she may want to stay home with in-home care. Much depends on your parents' finances.

gardnergirl2: It is imperative that you look at the larger picture here, i.e. "My dad is alive, but she is killing him." So perhaps you SHOULD consider a skilled nursing facility because there are other individuals' health at stake here other than just your mother's. You will have peace in the home again when your mom gets placed in managed care with skilled professionals.

If she has a cell phone she may call a lot. My mom decided to not have a cell phone and I requested staff not to contact me after 6 pm unless she is critical. Set boundaries and turn the sound down if/when she gets calling too much. Set a time of when you will talk to her on the phone. You do not have to answer a phone!!. I never answer my phone for anyone after 6pm. After awhile she may start enjoying the activities and get a life there. {My mom has in assisted living} ..it took some adjusting. She will be busier there than at home. Good Luck.