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Cynjsteve, I feel your anguish. However, assisted living, memory care, or a nursing home is her likely ultimate destination. I moved my mother into assisted living one year ago. She hated it. People said give it time, she'll come to like it. Well, she hasn't. She reminds me constantly how letting me move her "down here was the worst mistake I ever made." She pours on the guilt with heaping spoonfuls and it tears me apart on the inside. But she can't take care of herself, and so I'd say don't let guilt make your decision. It's normal to feel guilt and our parents know how to rub it in. But whatever decision you make should be made on logic and reality, not on your guilt or her emotional fits.
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Reply to rwbpiano
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Not a silly question that's always been a question of mine as well
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Reply to Iris29
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Cynjsteve, there's no reason to feel silly or guilty. Your dilemma does make one crazy and is one I struggled with for a long time regarding my then 95-year-old dad. While making the decision to move him into the best memory care facility I could find and that was close enough for me to visit daily was hard, it was something I knew I had to do due to sleep deprivation and knowing that I had been neglecting my own family for several years. Luckily my dad adjusted quickly to his new living conditions (I stayed with him for the first 24 hours), but I've witnessed other new residents having longer adjustment periods and it sounds like your mother's might be more like some those.

One thing that I kept in mind while making my decision was what a long-time Alzheimer's support group facilitator told me, that he never knew anyone who, after placing their loved one in a facility, said that they had done that too soon. He had moved his own 65-year-old wife into a memory care facility after several years of care-giving, but only after their children told him that they didn't want to lose their dad in addition to losing their mom.

Many caregivers haven't done the math to know that caregiving for all of the 8,760 hours in a year is like having 4.5 full-time jobs. It's oft reported that 40% of caregivers die before the person for whom they are providing care and I've read that the 40% increases to 70% for caregivers who are 70 or older. Stress and exhaustion kill and you shouldn't feel guilty about considering whether to move your mom to the best nearby facility you can find, which will enable you to frequently visit and monitor her care while still leaving some time to rest and take care of yourself. Caregiving is like a flight on a troubled airliner, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first so you can help those who can't do that for themselves. Best wishes.
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Reply to bicycler
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Cynjsteve, in regard to your Mom acting awful about doctors and others, when was the last time she had been tested for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such infections can make an older person act out and not be user friendly. The test is fairly simple, it's a urine test.

Your Mom's primary doctor could also recommend medicine to calm Mom down.

I fully understand the feeling of guilt whenever a grown child decides that their parent needs to be in a higher skilled environment. You need to keep telling yourself that you are doing this in the best interest of your Mom. And to give you a well deserved break. You will still be Mom's caregiver, that doesn't stop, yet others are doing more of the heavy lifting [care]. What helps you is that you can go home and get a good night sleep.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I guess I was thinking that if she didn’t like it she could come home. This whole thing is making me crazy I guess. I tried adult day care and she threw a fit and they wouldn’t accept her because she was so awful. She acts awful at the doctors office also. She won’t even let anyone touch her. After reading the responses I feel a little silly for asking this question. I guess the only reason I would want to have the option of bringing her home is based on guilt.
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Reply to Cynjsteve
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Cynjsteve, if your Mom goes into Assisted Living/Memory Care and is accepted by the facility, then she is there for a very good reason.... it can take a village to take care of a person who has Alzheimer's/Dementia depending on what stage she is in.

As others had mentioned, you would need to give Mom time to get adjusted to her "new home". Usually such facilities will request no visitors for at least two weeks. That will give your Mom a routine. Then go visit her. If she becomes agitated then you may want to cut back on the visits.

And it quite common for an elder to say they want to go home. Yet you could pop into the facility when she isn't expecting you to see how she is doing. One writer on the forum said she found her Mom enjoying the activities and laughing with other ladies who were living there.

I am curious why you would consider bring your Mom back home? Is it the cost? With Assisted Living/Memory Care it is usually self-pay, and if Mom runs out of money then she can go on Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] but she would need to move to a facility that accepts Medicaid.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Of course. However give it some time once your mom is moved in. There will be a transition period and she may want to come home. This is normal. Give her time to get used to her new surroundings and to a new routine and schedule and people. It's a lot to take in at first and her initial reaction may be, "I want to go home."

When it's time for her to move in be mindful of the contract she'll sign with the facility. What are the financial ramifications if she is unable or unwilling to stay? Make sure you're aware of these things.

I'm assuming she's moving into an assisted living facility for a reason. Try to refrain from saying things like, "If you don't like it you can come home" or "This is only temporary and you can go home if it doesn't work out." Moving to a new place can be unsettling and it'd be better for your mom if she could get moved in, get settled, get used to it and then decide at a later time that she doesn't want to stay instead of the knee-jerk homesickness/fear response that is normal in the beginning.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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Yes, but why would you want to?

I see from your profile that she has alzheimer's / dementia. This means that she will likely decline from an ALF to a NH to a Memory Care Unit in a Nursing Home. As she declines, her care needs are going to drastically increase.
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Reply to cmagnum
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