If people with dementia have a broken brain then why are they having sex at memory care facilities?

Sex is a form of affection. If two people with dementia are having sex, who's to say that's a bad thing?? When I worked in a Memory Care ALF, there were residents who would hang out together and hold hands all day, snuggle up together, and what they did behind closed doors was really nobody's business.

These elders have already had their entire lives destroyed by dementia/Alzheimers, are living in managed care where their entire lives are structured FOR them, why must you put even MORE regulations on them...for what reason? Because you feel it's disgusting or inappropriate for them to share affection?

Bad/ugly behavior and verbal abuse is not a good or a happy thing. Sex is an expression of love or happiness and not considered a bad thing. This is where I think YOU have a disconnect, personally. Who's getting harmed if two elders with dementia are having sex together? Vs. who's getting harmed if two elders with dementia are screaming obscenities at one another or fist fighting? One behavior is harmful while the other is not.

My mother lived in Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years. If she was snuggled up with a man and they were showing affection to one another, I would not have had a meltdown over it. I would have been happy that my mother was finding SOME happiness in her life that had turned to sheer, unadulterated MISERY at that point. I am sorry, in fact, that she did not find love during her stay in Memory Care.

My mom hasn't had sex in who knows how long so if she were doing it now, with dementia, I'd be calling it rape. She can not and would not consent.

If both parties are into, fine, whatever. But how can you really know if they know what the heck is going on??

At one time I toured a few assisted living facilities and one memory care facility, in case my mom would have needed memory care in the future.

In the memory care facility I went to see, the head nurse showed me around.

We sat in the activities room to conclude our discussion. There were several couples holding hands and seemed to be enjoying each other’s company. They seemed to have formed a special bond with each other, which is better then being lonely.

I was told that many of the residents found connections with other residents and that some of the residents considered themselves to be a ‘couple.’

The facility monitored their residents and the head nurse said that they were not allowed in each other’s rooms. I have no idea how strictly this was enforced. I suppose it depends on each individual facility.

In our state it is legal to place cameras in residents rooms. So, I suppose if you were concerned about this and your state allowed cameras then you could place a camera in the room to monitor for yourself.

The hospice home where my mom was had cameras in all of the common areas as well as the residents rooms.

Their brains are broken, not their you-know-whats.

Sp, when you actually become a caregiver and see the people in facilities, you will be able to understand this subject.

You will never get it until you live it. So it is kinda pointless, IMO, to be so angry about it. It isn't anything like you imagine.

If their brain is broken, why do they still eat or walk or breathe? The brain controls all of those, too.

Obviously the brain isn't entirely broken, and to deny someone affection just because they have dementia is cruel. I doubt everything "works," anyway, so what you see as sex might be very different than reality.

I agree there are consent issues. Can someone with dementia consent? How do we define their ability to consent? How bad does their dementia have to be before we say she can't consent? If she is smiling and holding hands with a male resident in the dining room, that does not necessarily equal consent to sexual activity. But no matter how the issue plays out in a memory facility, it's guaranteed the facility will place the blame or responsibility on the residents and the residents' families. The facility will say, "It's a privacy issue." Or, "They have a right to have a relationship." Or, "We can't watch them every minute." I know this from experience.

sp19690,

I agree with you wholeheartedly and I too have a very hard time with anyone who thinks it's ok for vulnerable people to be victims of sexual abuse. In the case of an MC unit, neither the perpetrator nor the victim (seemingly willingly or not) are able to effectively refuse or further sexual advances that family would be horrified over.

Were I informed of or viewed any specific incident of sexual activity, I would immediately report to the Aging services because we're talking about impaired people.

That's not to say that residents can't and don't form quite innocent bonds and believe others to be a spouse, but in my personal and professional experience, this is closely monitored to prevent any vulnerable person being taken advantage of.

I find it maddening that anyone is alright with non-spousal sexual activity happening in any care setting. Ever.

Allow me to add that I'm a retired RN who has worked in a wide range of care settings for half a century, having started as a CNA in my teens. I have never seen these behaviors and would act immediately to stop it. My mother is in a MC unit and it's among the things the residents are monitored for. People make it sound as though it's rampant and even go so far as saying that 'if you only knew, yada, yada.'

It's unconscionable to condone it or promote its acceptance, in my experience and steadfast opinion.

SP19690, your profile, posted last year, says you are “Just getting prepared for the day NM asks me to take care of her. She is 74 and still in good health”. It sounds as though you and NM have few problems, and your caring experience is quite limited. Why are you so keen on telling us all your views? Based on what???

Sex is not just about the brain (including mental consent), it’s also about feelings. A person with dementia can be hungry, and can eat. If they don’t want to eat, they close their mouth or spit it out (believe me on that one). A person with dementia can like the physical feelings that come with sex, just as they are OK about eating when they are hungry. They probably don’t remember their last meal, which doesn't mean that they didn't want it.

Elderly people (even without dementia) often regret their lack of physical contact – it’s one of the reasons they like to cuddle grandchildren or pets. If they don’t want physical contact, they can shout, scream, fight. Unfortunately they often do when they don’t like having a diaper changed!

It should normally be fairly obvious when sex (or even holding hands) is OK or not OK.