Follow
Share

I am feeling hurt from my mom right now and I have gotten wonderful advice from this site before so this is the first place I thought I'd go to. My mom is in a nursing home and still relies on me for a lot. I have three young kids, who have all been sick the last two weeks with hand, foot and mouth disease, two of the three had very bad cases. During this time I was unable to visit or help my mom (I usually visit every week). The kids are better and I made plans to bring my mom here on Monday. Well, I just came down with the virus, high fever, dizzy, blisters forming on my hands. I call to tell my mom and she is only concerned about herself and the things I can't bring her and that she has to be stuck there another week. Then she said she has nothing to add to the conversation and we got off the phone. I understand and expected her to be dissappointed, but no so selfish. No feel better, no anything like that, it was all about her. It really makes me feel used like she only wants me around so I can help her, that's it.... Is it typical for people in nursing homes to become more self centered? Or am i the self centered one?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Thank you for all your responses. I found someone who can take my mom out shopping and other outings. That helps a lot not being the only one she relys on. Her treating me that way has honestly changed our relationship a little (she is cognitively there, she is mostly only in nursing home for physical reasons). But now my issue is she may not be eligible for long term care Medicaid in this state and I have no clue what to do if that happens. I can't take care of her with the kids and my husband is soon to deploy overseas. I may be asking more questions soon!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I understand exactly how you feel, but I keep reminding myself it's not personal. The Alzheimer's World is unlike any other. It is very difficult to be in her world because I believe it changes regularly and a lot of her days are like a roller coaster ride, peaks and valleys all day long. My mom lives with me and the things that come out of her mom some days is shocking. My normal response now is "I love you mom" and that usually calms her down. However, I have also learned over the past 3 years to not sweat the small stuff. I just keep loving her and taking care of her the best I can. I try not to figure out what she is trying to say because that can be darn impossible. I remind myself that she is in this world that is scary and lonely and she just needs constant reassurance that I love her and I will keep her safe. Just keep on loving and caring for her the best you can. At the end of the day you can feel good that you did exactly that. Stay strong
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It's not you, it's her. You can't put yourself in your mother's shoes because you're not her age and don't have her ailments. I hope you will shift your focus to feeling good about taking care of your kids and your family and yourself. You need to take care of yourself or your kids will suffer. Your mother has lived her life. Live yours to the best of your ability. Your kids will love you for it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think most loved ones' lives get smaller and smaller the older they get. They get dependent on us and so if we're not there, they can panic.

There may also be a level of cognitive decline in your mom so that her thought processes aren't what they used to be. I see that in my mom. If I try to discuss anything of importance to me, she just has a few stock phrases she'll say over and over again. I understand that her brain isn't fully 100%, so I don't let it bother me. It mostly makes me sad. So no, you're not selfish and your mom is just old and focused on her very small world. Neither of you is "wrong" or bad. Hugs to you...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sorry for your troubles and I understand your disappointment because we still expect on some level for our mom to care about us as she did in the past - my mom too is very dependent upon me - frankly she would have died years ago if I wasn't around - and yes her world is very small now with no independence and that must feel frightening for her

She spends a lot of time in the evening worrying about where I am and I've found notes in her room in memory care saying help, where are you? makes me feel awful knowing she's scared

Other than a treat to eat, she doesn't ask me to bring her anything as her only concern is for her purse and her money (makes her feel secure) so I bought her a cheap cross body purse and some fake money that looks very real along with a cheap watch - she occasionally looses the purse and once the fake money was stolen - joke on them -

A couple of months ago I got the flu and didn't see her for 10-days but I had a private caregiver with her 4 hours a day as she's near 93 and doesn't get any attention or help at the memory care facility which is considered assisted living not nursing care - she's not bedridden

Given the demands of raising your kids is there perhaps a college kid or lady from church who can visit your mom once or twice a week and bring her something and give her a little company ? My siblings do nothing but our housekeeper has dinner with her at the facility 2x a week and my good friend has lunch with her once a week as I work long hours - blessings don't always come from where you expect
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.