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My aging parents are still living in the home they raised me in. They are both 73 years old. My mama has dementia stage 3 and my dad doesn’t drive and the the start to dementia. I have begged them to down size for years. I am the only caregiver. Because there is not enough money to hire someone else. And I am depleted so, my younger brother has created a plan with my dad.


My younger brother and his 1 yr old boy and 5 yr old girl and wife are all moving in my parents home to be care givers. But they are to needy to be caregivers. They are really moving in because of money trouble and bringing their burden into my parents home. I am the poa .


How do protect my parents money and assets?


My mom and dad live in a 4500 sq ft home in the middle of 10 acres . They need everything. Grass mowed, meals prepped, neither of them drive , so all transportation I do. I take them to all doctor appointments fill all medications and pill boxes. I am the only one that calls regularly.


My husband does not want to live with my parents. I don’t want to leave my husband and 17 year old for my parents .


Is there anyway I can make them sell and move to assisted living?

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thank you everyone ! Your response has made me smile ! 😍

The plan is to move his family in and live rent free in exchange for caregiving duties.

i do the caretaking, house maintenance, house cleaning, chasing my mother around 10 acres .

i look at the finances but my dad screams that he has the bills under control. And I just shut down and can’t continue.

yes the only money dad has left is in his estate.
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worriedinCali Feb 22, 2020
Caregiving is usually done in exchange for free rent. If your parents now require caregivers and your brother and his wife are stepping up, they should be compensated. They shouldn’t have to pay.
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First, You need to go to Elder law Atty & put house in trust so brother & family can’t just move in & become squatters. I’m sure bro & family won’t be caregivers ...just moochers ..they have young children & won’t be paying rent. Caring for one parent w dementia is exhausting...but 2 Parents? Uuggghh!!! If $$$ is tight, then Assisted Living is not answer because they are expensive. If they need SNF, then they can apply for medicaid. Were any of your parents Vets? They can get monthly stipends towards paying for home health Aide’s. The most important thing to remember is bro & wife won’t be caregivers!!! Atty might suggest selling home to finance care at ALF & or memory care.
Hugs 🤗
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Just chiming in to support the recommendations below of consulting with an elder law/estate planning attorney first, and then getting the arrangement and expectations in writing up front and everyone in agreement. Also, do not promise consequences that you are not willing and able to carry out if things go south. Feels like a lot right now but you will be so so so glad you did later - guaranteed.
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If you are designated as POA in a document but the POA isn't "activated," then you have no say about anything. A POA must be activated in order for you to assume POA duties. Certain conditions trigger the activation, parents may voluntarily give up control, or you may need to go to court. See an attorney experienced in elder law and estate planning. to discuss your situation and see what your options are.

As far as caring for impaired parents in huge home with a huge lot, your brother has no idea what he's getting into. I bet that set up will last for a very limited amount of time before that family decides they are overwhelmed and it's more than they bargained for. At that time, your parents, if they both have dementia, should sell the home and move to AL or Memory Care, using home sale proceeds to finance it along with SS and any other investments. That's what happened in our parent's case when caring for them at home was just too much for my brother and I.
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As long as your parents are legally competent, you cannot _make_ them do anything. A POA is empowered to act _for_ the principal, carrying out his/her wishes. As long as your parents are legally competent, they can also designate a new POA, perhaps your brother?

After incompetency has been established according to the terms of the POA, you can act against the principal's current wishes; however, you are required to act in the principal's best interest. To have complete control and be able to force an action like downsizing you need guardianship of both parents which is an expensive and possibly family fracturing court ordeal.

If your father and brother have developed this plan, it should be documented in a caregiver plan which includes language stating what conditions will require your brother to move out. What are your brother's care giving duties? What is his compensation? What happens when Mom needs placement? Does this brother realize ALZ patients reach a stage where they require 24/7 supervision and not only become completely incontinent but often become unable to assist with incontinence products, removing the incontinence briefs and even spreading contents over walls and surfaces? Your brother needs to realize at some point your parents will need placement.

Your description of the property indicates selling would most likely generate the funds needed to care for your parents for several years, depending on AL costs in your area and your parents' monthly income. Living at home with family support for as long as possible can preserve funds for the time frame LTC is really needed. During the period your mother can safely live at home, having your brother and his family live in and maintain the home while providing basic care giving could be beneficial to any long term care plan _provided_ your brother works to get/maintain the home into salable condition and realizes the situation is temporary and he must move his family out at some point. My father had the monthly income to pay about 65% of his MC fees, so when he needed placement we used his income and drew down each month from the home sale funds to cover the difference. My mother moved in with me because although her SS met her personal needs, she didn't have enough to maintain a residence and she didn't want to live alone anyway. My thinking was to maintain my parents in the home or AL/MC facilities as long as possible before Medicaid NH care would be the only option.

I encourage you investigate AL/MC fees in your area, as well as fair market price of your parents home and develop a long term care plan based on selling the home when your mother needs placement. Consider facilities with joint placement where your parents could share an MC room. Your father may not need MC when your mother does, but staying together can be both emotionally and financially beneficial.

Once you have your plan options together (Mom in MC, Dad in apartment; Mom & Dad in MC, Mom in MC while Dad lives with a child), discuss it with your parents, or at least your father. If you can trust them, sharing it with your brothers is a good idea too. First meeting should be a discussion of options and costs, decisions should wait for a later meeting after everyone has some thinking it over time. I used spreadsheets to show how long the money lasts in the various options. This meeting is also a good opportunity to discuss Medicaid's five year look-back for "gifts" and Medicaid Recovery placing a lien on the home if Mom goes on Medicaid while Dad still lives in the home. Sometimes you can get a sibling out of the inheritance mindset when he/she realizes Medicaid Recovery is going to get the home if NH care is required. If you can build a consensus plan things will work out much easier.
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FloridaDD Feb 22, 2020
I don't think this will work.  Deadbeat brother does not want house in his name, he just wants to live there free of rent.    Your siblings may have been more reasonable.   As to living at home till Medicaid/NH is needed, MANY NHs require private pay at first, and if money is gone, it will be a problem.
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I see you’ve added your younger brothers ”plan” to your post. So they want to move in and provide care for your parents. How does your other brother feel about this plan? You sound like you don’t trust that YB and his family will be able to be adequate caregivers? Are you also worried that they may financially exploit the situation due to their own money troubles? Will they be paid for their caregiving? Will they pay rent? Are they employed out of the house? Will sister-in-law be saddled with the majority of the care? You do have POA for your folks...is it active now for all decisions? This means you must act on their behalf, but it doesn’t mean you can force anything. My first recommendation is to make sure you have access to their financial records like bank statements and checking, savings, investment, insurance, pension records. If you don’t have access to those, I’m not sure how you would ensure that YB doesn’t financially exploit the situation. The forum is full of posts where children move in to care for parents and the whole thing goes south. If you decide to for forward with the “plan” I would recommend getting everything in writing. It sounds like it’s a large property and they will be responsible for property ,maintenance as well as caring for the folks? Put a dollar value on this and get responsibilities in writing. Those would be good POA responsibilities, with the help of a lawyer.
I’m sure more posters will be along soon this morning to give you more advice.
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My husband has POA for his dad both medical and financial, and had it for his mother before she died. I remember he forced many issues with his parents and his mother once said "Well then I'll just revoke it" to which my husband said "Go right ahead". She never revoked it.

Now, we are having problems forcing my FIL to downsize, and my husband does not want to force the issue because his dad is too frail and feeble and will land in the hospital with a panic attack. So now FIL's money is being spent at an alarming rate and when it runs out, he will get moved to whatever his social security and pension will afford.
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UGH, the problem I see is that deadbeat relatives are willing to move in when they think parents are in good shape and this just involves driving them, maybe mowing and taking out garbage.  As things with your parents get worse (and they will get worse!), I doubt your relatives are prepared to deal with incontinence, sleep deprivation, lack of privacy, etc.   Elderly parents will wander though the house, take up living room (especially as it is there house), constantly complain and ask questions. 

Agree with PP, have a consultation with a lawyer.  You may also want to make a list for them of what has to get done, and possibly, if brother tries to fight you, ask him to sit down and talk with a social worker or geriatric care manager as to how things will progress.
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Mamie6626 Feb 22, 2020
My mother is already saying how much this is upsetting her. But my dad says they need the help . So dad is welcoming the needy family. At the expense of my mothers well being. It’s just not right


thank you so much for your reply.
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Depends upon the extent of the POA you were given. My mother gave me on that stated I could rent, lease, sell, her personal possession & real estate or interest in such as well as invest her money, etc.

If you have a Power of Attorney that gives you such authority; then, I supposed you can "force" the issue. However, if they are truly competent, they may choose to revoke the POA they've given you.

Personally, I'd seek a lawyer's advise.
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worriedinCali Feb 22, 2020
Nope. It doesn’t depend on the type of POA. POA doesn’t give you the ability to control and force mentally competent people to do what you want them to do.
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Frequent conversations and devising a care plan with your brother MIGHT make him step up to the plate or he might change his mind.

Whatever happens, do not DARE leave your home and spouse to move in with your parents!
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Mamie6626 Feb 22, 2020
Thank you 😊
yes I would talk to brother but even though they say they were moving in . They have only stayed the night 2 times.
no caregiving has happened yet.

and yes , it’s just not right .... leave my husband and son for my parents .... no way .... thank you for your reply
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What's the plan your brother created with your father?

Who's mowing the lawn and taking care of maintenance of that large house? Who's doing the housecleaning, laundry, billpaying, etc?

What does your brother think?

I take it your parents are still deemed competent? (If so, you can't make them do anything, BUT you don't have to do anything, either, to enable them to keep their "independence."

What are your parents' finances? Would the selling of this home be what is required for them to move to Assisted Living?
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Mamie6626 Feb 22, 2020
Thank you
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