Do I love Mom? Yes. Do I regret caring for her (and Dad) for the past decade? No.
However, after I read your guilt allaying comment of "It sounds like Mom is not too much effort for you"...I said a lot more FUs than I have said in a LOOOOOONG time. I even posted your comment on a caregiver forum that I am a member of...you don' t want to hear what they said!
After letting my blood cool. I reflected and thought maybe you're right.
It isn't too much effort; I mean this morning it was simple...just:
wake Mom to go to the bathroom every few hours because she's incontinent and diapers on adults is a lot harder than on an infant.
No biggie to make sure she is cleaned and oh no...mop the floor ...oh no...clean the rug...oh, let's get her changed.
Check on her and find that she's taken clothes out of her closet, looked at them, and then put the clean clothes on top of the soiled so...here's another load of laundry, second one.But, at least we didn't have to do bedding .
Oh let's get her something to eat. Does she have her teeth in? good! She loves pumpkin butter toast and hot chocolate...Where's her mind at today? Looking for Dad? does she know who I am? Is she paranoid and stuck in a place with a stranger? How is her aphasia today? will she even understand the words I say?... Today? Who am I kidding? nothing lasts a day...it's every 5 minutes and then I have to decode where her mind is at, again.
Can I get her to go outside and enjoy the backyard?...walking is difficult and maybe the wheelchair is the better choice...oh wait, she's asleep. How to get her out of the dining chair and into her bed or recliner? Will I need the lift? Can I zombie walk her? Maybe just lift her onto the wheelchair and get her to bed? Oh good, she woke and shuffled. Get her to the bathroom, let her do her business, make sure the teeth are out so that she doesn't develop a sore by wearing them while asleep...and tucked in for a bit.
It's only 9am here...and that didn't seem like much effort. On top of the regular household chores, I've already done. After I send this email, I get to go stack some firewood.
Every family caregiver suffers. Just because I cope well with high pressure and emotionally draining circumstances doesn't mean that it isn't destructive in almost every aspect of my life...Financial, emotional, social, physical.
As I said at the beginning of my email. I love Mom and do not regret taking care of her...I love you too. but please, never downplay my life.
Thank you
And of the postings you have posted here you tend to mention that you have always been stoic, cope well with high pressure and emotionally draining circumstances because you were in the military. So, of course, he thinks you have everything under control.
If you have any ideas on how that could happen, I am eager to hear them; I am close to burnout."
I imagine in the beginning of this journey you had no regrets but are now starting to feel them. That's ok, it doesn't make you a callous, self-serving, selfish, evil daughter.
Regardless, your brother isn't going to look past that first line. By writing you have no regrets, you are contributing to the "plausible deniability" he has hidden behind for all of this time you have been caregiving. I have a sister who did the same thing, except she NEVER communicated or responded to communications ever while my mom was so sick. I know her, this way when all was said and done, she could claim "I never knew how bad it was, no one ever told me".
If I were you, I'd do it somewhat differently. I would copy and paste you "typical day" and save it for a future communication. Then I would respond to your brother's e-mail telling him that, while you love mom dearly, it IS becoming more than you can handle and you ARE starting to suffer from burn out. You resent the fact that he downplays what you go through and is able to soothe himself by saying "it doesn't sound that bad" to himself. That you all, as a family might have to discuss what mom's future care looks like, and if you won't get any helpful input you will start to make those decisions on your own.
If you are really feeling as though taking care of mom is destructive to almost every aspect of your life, it might be time to figure out another option for her, because you can send a bazillion e-mails, texts, phone messages, and you know what? It's not going to do you a single bit of good, because your sibling(s) have already shown you how much help they're willing to give. You are never, ever going to be able to guilt or shame them into giving more, and even if you can, it will be short lived and not worth the drama that will accompany it.
I've found generally, that when you are doing a complex task well, it takes quite a while to write down what you did, it's often a lot more than even you yourself realize.
I am happy that you were able to give him a snap shot of what the beginning of your day looks like and how well you cope.
Remember though, he's brain dead, you may not get the response you desire.
You are doing a great job, it doesn't matter if he ever sees or acknowledges that or your sacrifices.
Given his brain is, as you said, so unpleasantly DEAD (in fact it stinks to high heaven) I would simply have said "You are, as ever, profoundly astute; yes, it has sadly come to the time that my efforts are no longer sufficient."
What else is there to say to someone so dim? We who have given any kind of care to those we love are well aware of the fact that our human limitations mean we are not saints. And were we Saints, your bro would be one of the first to send arrows through us or crucify us upside down, then pray to us for relief of all life's problems. Apparently he has been lucky enough not to be slapped around a whole lot by life. Keep your communications with him down to one sentence. He is too dim to absorb more than that.
As I had mentioned in your other postings, up to 40% of caregives die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. If you are gone, then what?