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She disposes of it the right way and does it most of the time, shouldn't she be doing it all the time? I've come to the conclusion she wants it done for her. And much more.


I have refused to do these 'chores' for her and it's getting stinky in her room. As far as sense of smell, she has several cans of air fresheners that she uses but yet still lets them pile up (in a trash can with a lid) to the point that the bag is heavy. But still she manages to take that out on her own. I know she can do these things. Should I just let it go until she is tired of her own 'smell' and odors??


This incontinence has been going on for years. Her dr is aware and suggested she not drink anything after 6 or 7pm. Well, she drinks whatever she wants, whenever she wants. And know this will cause several 'diaper changes during the night. I've asked her to maybe take out smaller amounts when she goes out to walk her dog, but I get bi*ched at for the suggestion.


I am not sure of which end of the 'dementia' spectrum she is on, it's more of a narcissistic personality disorder than dementia. Something always leads to an argument, making one of us take the blame for her health issues. Guilt is a good tool.

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The backstop situation is ‘you look after yourself as far as you can, or you go to a facility where people are paid to look after you’. This is both a threat and reality. If she is a narc, you have to put reality on the line. Why is she living with you any way? Are there any pluses in it for you? Forget about duty and guilt – that’s what she should be feeling, not you. We all have a duty to look after ourselves so far as we can. If she is suffering from ALZ, you do what you need to do and also start thinking about the next step to a facility.
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I have a slob teen than got levied a cleaning fee!

But I know, a mature adult is very different to a teen! An adult with possible cognitive decline ?dementia very different again. As dementia is a progressive disease, not only will the rubbish get worse, the incontinence also. So if dementia, down the track you will end up having to clean it up yourself anyway. (Sorry to be such a downer!)

Would it help to involve her since she can (some of the time anyway)? Come on (happy face on) now it's time to put the rubbish out!

You need it done - she may not care. But if you do it together it's a sort of comprimise.
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Since she gets air freshner, her smeller still works. Put a smaller can in the room and just tell her it has to be emptied more often. She walks a dog, so it's clear she can walk. Each morning when she takes the dog out, remind her to take the trash with her because you can smell it when you open the front door. Remember it takes like 10 times of doing something before it becomes a habit, so your consistency in reminding her will reinforce her own ability to remember there's a new rule in the house.
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My aunt's cognitive losses were not smooth and predictable.  One day she could try to pour her coffee without a cup under it, and that afternoon do it perfectly. If I asked her, she'd make up reasons to cover up her inadequacy.  Loss of initiative came early in that downward spiral.  Was she always this way?  AlvaDeer's suggestion sounds healthy.
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CarlaCB, I have asked her and she will say, a twist on what your's say-I thought you liked to do that. or simply you like to do that. Or gaslight me with the I'm going to take it out but not right now. Or I forgot to get a trash bag to put in there (the trashcan) so then the dirties have to be transferred to a bag to be taken to outside can. She doesn't care.
I can only go so long and she can go longer with waiting to do something that needs done yesterday. Then meanwhile she will do it but claim she has hurt something while doing it 'her way'. I'm stuck and truth be told AlvaDeer struck the right cord with me and to save wasted breath, I will do this task. Grant you, while I'm doing it she will say-I WAS going to do that, to make it seem like I want to do it. Its sick.
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I just want to say I can relate to your situation. My mother, who was sharp as a tack, simply preferred to have others do things for her that she could do for herself. She could leave her home and get around town on her motorized scooter, but she could not take out her own trash or walk her dog that way. When I asked her why, she said "I like for you to do it." Sheesh!

I'm curious as to whether you've asked your mother why she lets the diapers pile up and whether the smell bothers her. Is she waiting for you to do it? Or just indifferent to the problem? If she really does have all her marbles, I would confront her about this. Having said that, it's her room and her stink. If she doesn't care, maybe you shouldn't either.
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Rbuser....

like ann landers used to say...no one can walk on you if you don’t lay down for them
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This is what a daughter should do for her mom? Where did she get that information.

Can I suggest that you put a small garbage can that must be emptied more frequently in place of one that is so big.

If she can guilt you into doing her bidding then she has no motivation to change anything.

What exactly have you done to be guilty?
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Rbuser1 Jul 2019
I had thought about that a few months ago, even had one picked out at Walmart and was going to get the smaller scented bags to fit. I'm going back to that thought, but this time it will be for me. So I can just pop in there and take them out whenever she gets out of bed to either, eat or take the dog outside. Thanks.
She has to blame someone for her health issues-thus the guilt trip. It's part of FOG with narc's Fear Obligation Guilt.
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Your profile doesn't say if your mother has dementia, but, it sounds like something is not right cognitively. If so, then she cannot be held to the same standard as someone who is not mentally impaired. People with dementia may be able to do one thing, but, not something similar. They may be able to do things at one time of the day, but, not others. Often there is impaired judgment and altered sense of smell, so, the little voice that tells us to clean or change, no longer works correctly. At some point, all the previous issues, will need to be put aside to provide her care by someone. If she has dementia, it is progressive and the patient likely will grow more and more unable to do activities of the daily life or use good judgment. Also, I would look up how "loss of initiative" affects those with cognitive decline. Things that we think would come to us, no longer comes into their mind. That's why they may sit and stare at a tv and not have the initiative to turn it on. Or sit and stare at dirty diapers and it doesn't occur to them to throw them out.
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I’m sorry that Mom still seems to be “large and in charge” of your life and that not much has changed since your previous posting. However, Mom telling you how to do your landscaping and turning parts of the house into an unhygienic diaper dump are two different things. One is vastly more toxic than the other. Room deodorant spray does nothing to kill the bacteria that must be fermenting in those diapers as they sit in the trash can (albeit with lid). On the very next trash day, with mask and latex gloves, I’d be getting those diapers out of the house and down to the trash. It doesn’t matter if she can carry the bags to the trash and won’t, or if her cognitive impairments are at play here. I would be surprised if visitors to your home don’t notice the odor and perhaps may be too polite to comment.

Whether she is capable of taking the trash bag down or not, whether she has NPD, dementia or both, all bets are off with this one. She can flap, yip, yap and doodle all she wants as you take the bag(s) to the curb, but for the time being, until these bags are out of the house, you need to do what you need to do yourself and not count on her to cooperate.
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Rbuser1 Jul 2019
You are right and it made me laugh at the reality of it. She's not going to change. Period.
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I assume you are dealing with someone with dementia? Then no, her reactions may be one way one day and another another. You are in charge. You know what is happening and what needs to be done. This is not a sanitary situation to allow this sort of thing. So you will need to take charge, or to place her somewhere where someone else can take charge for her.
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Rbuser1 Jul 2019
I edited my question. I'm not sure if the is more personality disorder based or not. She always guilts me for this is what a daughter should do for their mother type thing.
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