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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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My mother is 76 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about six years ago. I have taken care of her in her home for that entire time, completely by myself. I am about to turn 50 and am completely burnt out, so I decided it was time to obtain in home PCA’s, as her siblings refuse to help in any way. My mother has been nothing but hateful and belligerent to every caregiver I have brought here, and told me that she will continue to berate and and act hostile towards *anyone* that comes into our home to care for her-unless of course that person is me, and me alone, because she cannot fathom why on Earth I would need any help at all taking care of her. She no longer will bathe willingly, she refuses to change her clothes, eats only vegetables and potato chips, and constantly gives caregivers dirty looks and ignores their questions and offers for help. I have explained to my mother that this is in fact the last straw, and I’m doing everything I can to keep her *out* of assisted living. Her response? “Do it. Put me away because you just want to kill me!!!” She claims that it’s her belief that she’s insane and “needs to be locked up,” yet she refuses any type of help at all, even refusing to see her primary care doctor because it involves putting on shoes and a coat and leaving the house, and that “he can come HERE if he wants to see me so badly!!!” I’ve explained to her that in order to afford a spot in a memory care unit, I would need to sell her house and both of our cars, and that her cats would not be able to live with her, nor would I. At that point, she will scream hysterically that I just want to kill her and just want to take her cats away from her, and if the conversation persists further, she will storm out of the room and cry hysterically. I will then wait till she is more calm, and then try to continue the conversation, whereupon she will stare into space and completely ignore me, going so far as to pretend to be asleep. If I wake her up, she tells me to leave her alone. When her current caregiver told her that she had a poor attitude and that she felt that my mother was being mean to both of us, my mother told her that it was because she “smelled.” The caregiver offered to leave, whereupon my mother shrugged and said “I don’t care who comes here, you didn’t ask for my permission first!” I tell her that a caregiver is coming everyday at noon. I’ve lived in this house for 15 years, twice as long as she has, and have explained to her that I have rights here as a tenant. That will usually involve her reacting by storming out of the room and again crying hysterically until she calms down and again pretends to fall asleep. If I put her in memory care, it’s going to coast every last penny she and I have to keep her there, and I will probably end up homeless as a result. She gets a monthly pension until she passes away and social security, so she doesn’t qualify for any type of state aide nor will she qualify for Medicaid, so I’ve been paying her lot rent, utility bills and medical bills, and they’re piling up. If I ask a question or ask her to stop doing something at night, she completely ignores me and just continues as though I’m not even there. Finally, my question is this: is it time? Do I just do what I can to keep her in a memory care unit, thereby rendering me homeless (I’ve got a GED and have washed dishes all my life) because I also don’t have much in the way of skills? I’m in this house with her 24/7/365 and she refuses to leave it for any reason, except for leaving to live in memory care. I’ve explained that because I won’t have a home or vehicle, I won’t be able to visit her and it’s likely we’ll never see each other again. Her reply is usually vigorous clapping of her hands and smiling while yelling “YAAAAY!” I really don’t know what I did to deserve such a horrible person as amother. It’s my feeling that she’s been misdiagnosed, but every hospital she ends up at just tells me “that’s how the disease is sometimes.”
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. Yes, no wonder you are burning out.
You cannot pay for her facility care. This will impoverish you now and in the future. There are other solutions, although you (and your Mom) may not like it they are solutions nonetheless.
If you are not her PoA I would talk to social services for your count to discuss court assigned legal guardianship. If she gets a 3rd party guardian then they will make sure she gets the care she needs and will figure out how to pay for it. First you should talk to a certified elder law attorney or estate planner to figure out the entanglement of your assets with hers.
I think you are correct that she is misdiagnosed. I looked up year 6 symptoms of ALZ and none of it sounds like your Mom. She may have some other form of dementia, or she may be mentally ill. I'm not sure it matters because there's no cure or treatment anyway, except meds for her agitation.
You should consider recording her behavior and when she is particularly unhinged, call 911 and tell them she is "not herself" and may have an untreated UTI and is refusing to cooperate with any care. You do not mention ALZ or dementia at all because this is not considered a medical emergency. The point is to get her into the ER.
If they succeed in getting her to the ER, make sure the discharge planner knows she is an "unsafe discharge" as she is not performing any self-care or cooperating with any care offered by you. Then you ask to talk to a social worker and tell them you are not her PoA and she is not cooperating with care and she is creating chaos for herself and you. Maybe she will become a 5150 admit (psych ward) where they might keep her to get her on meds. It varies by state and hospital. FYI they do not diagnose dementia in the ER.
Refuse to take her home if they try to discharge her. Make sure she doesn't have any ability to call anyone to come get her. Do not believe any promises by the hospital that they will help once she's home. This is a lie they tell in order to get her out of the hospital. Don't answer their calls. Don't go get her. Maybe the social worker will put the wheels in motion for emergency guardianship and direct discharge into a facility.
Also stop trying to talk to your Mom about anything. She is not cognitively or emotionally able to handle it and it just exhausts you. Save your energy to problem solve. It will feel really hard for a while but then there will eventually be a solution, which is not you.
Look into a QIT for your Mom. It's a Qualified Income Trust that is set u p so that the "overage" amount that is disqualifying your Mom from Medicaid goes into this trust so that she then becomes financially qualified. When she passes away, the funds that were funneled into the trust go back to Medicaid to help cover the cost of her care. But in most states Medicaid only covers LTC. Your Mom isn't to that point yet and it may never be your problem if she can get assigned a guardian.
I wish you success in getting her the care she needs and peace in your heart as you move forward.
Exhausted, contact your local women's shelter. Tell them that you have been in a domestic abuse situation for years and are ready to leave. Pack up your things in your car and go to where they tell you they have an opening. Before leaving your mother's house, call Adult Protective Services and tell them that your mother is a vulnerable senior living alone. Then let them deal with her situation. They are professionals and will get her the kind of help she needs, both health and finances. Then let the professional social workers and others at the women's shelter help you with improving your skills so you can advance in your job and improve your income, getting benefits like Section 8 or low-income housing, SNAP, and Medicaid. Keep your money for yourself, as APS will be managing your mother's money. You are worthy of a good, respectable life without being beholden to your torturous mother. Make the most of the years you have left. Come back and let us know about your progress. It will take courage, but just do it now.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You cannot pay for her facility care. This will impoverish you now and in the future. There are other solutions, although you (and your Mom) may not like it they are solutions nonetheless.
If you are not her PoA I would talk to social services for your count to discuss court assigned legal guardianship. If she gets a 3rd party guardian then they will make sure she gets the care she needs and will figure out how to pay for it. First you should talk to a certified elder law attorney or estate planner to figure out the entanglement of your assets with hers.
I think you are correct that she is misdiagnosed. I looked up year 6 symptoms of ALZ and none of it sounds like your Mom. She may have some other form of dementia, or she may be mentally ill. I'm not sure it matters because there's no cure or treatment anyway, except meds for her agitation.
You should consider recording her behavior and when she is particularly unhinged, call 911 and tell them she is "not herself" and may have an untreated UTI and is refusing to cooperate with any care. You do not mention ALZ or dementia at all because this is not considered a medical emergency. The point is to get her into the ER.
If they succeed in getting her to the ER, make sure the discharge planner knows she is an "unsafe discharge" as she is not performing any self-care or cooperating with any care offered by you. Then you ask to talk to a social worker and tell them you are not her PoA and she is not cooperating with care and she is creating chaos for herself and you. Maybe she will become a 5150 admit (psych ward) where they might keep her to get her on meds. It varies by state and hospital. FYI they do not diagnose dementia in the ER.
Refuse to take her home if they try to discharge her. Make sure she doesn't have any ability to call anyone to come get her. Do not believe any promises by the hospital that they will help once she's home. This is a lie they tell in order to get her out of the hospital. Don't answer their calls. Don't go get her. Maybe the social worker will put the wheels in motion for emergency guardianship and direct discharge into a facility.
Also stop trying to talk to your Mom about anything. She is not cognitively or emotionally able to handle it and it just exhausts you. Save your energy to problem solve. It will feel really hard for a while but then there will eventually be a solution, which is not you.
Look into a QIT for your Mom. It's a Qualified Income Trust that is set u p so that the "overage" amount that is disqualifying your Mom from Medicaid goes into this trust so that she then becomes financially qualified. When she passes away, the funds that were funneled into the trust go back to Medicaid to help cover the cost of her care. But in most states Medicaid only covers LTC. Your Mom isn't to that point yet and it may never be your problem if she can get assigned a guardian.
I wish you success in getting her the care she needs and peace in your heart as you move forward.