Is dad abusing my mom, or is she doing it to herself?


my dad is abuseing my mum as my mum says or is she doing it herslf-please help

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Some additional thoughts on different services available: There's respite care, visiting nurses, Day programs, etc. Each family and situation is unique. Sounds like your Mom and Dad each have needs to be addressed. Take care of you, as well.
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How can we help? Not that we wouldn't if we could, but what can we do? I mean, we can't investigate, go to their house, or listen in on their conversations...and outsiders don't really know the whole story. You know them better than anyone. What do your siblings say? Their Physician?

In my family, Mom told me one day that Dad has Alzheimer's. That was about the extent of the conversation. My sister told me to read books on the subject. It took a while before I did, seeing no immediate need. We thought Dad was a bit quirky, and Mom, mean, irrational, and same-o-same o.

Then Mom started calling more often, saying, "Dad is threatening to hit me." Or, "He's breaking things..." And when I'd visit, sure enough, Dad was threatening, and yelling, and slamming doors more. But I also found that she was hitting him~while driving! And screaming at him, while driving. Lots of crazy things were happening, and so I had to act. In fact the craziness got worse, until Dad finally had to be institutionalized. He's doing much better now, and is in a great nursing home, and his needs are adequately cared for.

Point being, maybe there really is abuse going on. It's entirely possible. But you can't magically make it go away, and we can't really help, being outsiders and not really knowing the whole story. They probably won't get better on their own. It usually doesn't work that way, and there's no answers that will change it, unless your Mom or Dad have help and intervention. And there's lots of avenues for that. Check with Senior Services in your area, and follow their recommendations, or with their Physician. I went to their church's care support personnel, who had seen some problems, and suggested some resources. That's what you need, too. You may want to start with prayer.
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