Thankyou to all who helped me with ideas for moving my Mom. She surprisingly cooperated but still stated I don't want to go. This was way better than the temper we expected! The full day went smoothly...bedtime was a different story...very angry. I left at suppertime and returned for the bedtime routine and i am happy i was there to help her through, even though it was not a happy time. She claims it was an ok sleep. Today i visited after lunch, and she was beautifully dressed, lipstick on and rosy cheeks. Perky personality as well! Could not believe my eyes. We enjoyed a really good visit for a couple of hours then she really seemed like a rest was needed, so i left, even though she did not want me to go. I would say this first day was amazingly good for a lady who has been crabby most of her life. I know the time was right for this move!
I moved my mom with LBD out of her co-op apartment in NYC and informed her that I found a nice senior place for her near my home in VA. She basically went along with the flow. This had been coming for a couple of years because I had hired an aide to care for her daily. But it was no longer safe for her to be home alone at night. I brought her down and she stayed in my home over that weekend. Moving day was that Monday and I said "come on mom, it's time to move into your new place". I had put her co-op on the market and the sale was going to close within a few weeks. The movers were not able to deliver a furniture prior to her moving, so the AL allowed her to use the model furniture until her furniture was delivered. That day she moved in she seemed okay. However, I had to go back that evening to bring her something and she had a complete meltdown. I had never experienced my mother cry, and she cried like a baby when my son and I were about to leave. She accused me of putting her away and would never forgive me. She was much better a few days later. It's been almost a year and she has "adjusted" somewhat. However, she said she will never get used to being there. I think it just depends on the person. Some of the residents there seem so content.
MY MIL with dementia did not want to leave ur house EVER for ANY reason, after being with us for just a few months. We knew that she would resist moving to Memory Care, but they had sent a nurse to our home to assess her and who had watched her walk. She was having increasing trouble walking (balance). We told her the day before she was to move that we would be taking her the next day per the doctor's orders.
She threw a fit. We remained calm and just kept saying that this was what the doctor ordered and we HAD to do it - or we could be liable for elder abuse/neglect. She rang her buzze at 1:30 in the morning and told my husband she didn't want to go. He told her that he'd always done what was in her best interests and to go back to bed - which she did.
The next morning we simply proceeded as if there was no question. (Just like you would with a child you were sending off to school or camp for the 1st time. YOU are the ONLY adult here!) She went along passively. We did NOT visit for a few days, and now go every 3-4 days or about twice a week. She has NO idea if we've been there yesterday, the day before that, or earlier today.
The Memory Care AL had set up a special lunch for her in a small conference room with a couple of staff and several residents. It was very nice and welcoming. We had set up her room (partially! - not too much from home, since this was to be "temporary") and she was impressed by the space, her bathroom, etc.
She's now been there a bit over 2 months, has made some good friends, and - best of all, my husband now truly believes/understands that she is in a far better place with more mental and physical stimulation, social activities, etc. For example, at our house, she would not change into pj's or a nightie but would always sleep in her clothes (and then change during the next day - or not). But they make sure she changes, is bathed, etc. W have also moved more things into her room over time.
While she still says she wants to come home eventually, she doesn't say it every time we see her anymore. It was recently her birthday and there was a cake and singing. Half an hour later, when my husband said what a nice cake it was, she asked him when they were going to bring it out. (!!!) - I say this because it's important for YOU to remember that she won't recall much, and that her recall will continue to deteriorate.
We decided to tell her about the move as late as possible because we knew she would obsess about it and be anxious.
Is his a surprise or is she ready to go? Might be different answer....
I had to move my dad almost 2 years ago. I fixed his room up like a miniature version of his house. (Favorite bed, comfy clothes, books, big tv, favorite treats, breakfast bars, cookies, etc.). I put his favorite recliner with side table, remotes, good lamps at chair and bed. Put family photos up everywhere so he would feel surrounded by loved ones. All of that helped.
The place needs to be nice and a place where patients are treated with respect, fed well and provided with fun activities. The activities and meals together help patients socialize. Critical for any hope of acclimating.
Lastly, I would stay all day until bedtime on her first day and visit every day for a few weeks after that so she knows she will not be abandoned. That is a time to introduce her around and for you to get to know a little bit more about the people and place you have entrusted with her care.
We sent mom to her new place at lunchtime, so while she was at lunch, the movers put her bed, her chair, table lamp etc in the room to make it as personal and familiar as possible. She was very pleased. We made sure the bed was set up to get out on the same side as what it was at home. We hung pictures, curtains, put clothes away exactly in the same drawers as at home.
I guess every patient is different, depending on the level of dementia and where she is coming from (AL, IL, a house, etc). Several people on this site said what worked for them was to say she needs to be there now, but in 3, 4, 5, or 6 months, you can talk about it and see if she still feels that way and if she wants to move. The idea being she probably will have adjusted by then and not be unhappy. Its not easy for them to make a transition so the idea is to give them some comfort knowing they have a decision they can make later.
The full day went smoothly...bedtime was a different story...very angry.
I left at suppertime and returned for the bedtime routine and i am happy i was there to help her through, even though it was not a happy time. She claims it was an ok sleep.
Today i visited after lunch, and she was beautifully dressed, lipstick on and rosy cheeks. Perky personality as well! Could not believe my eyes. We enjoyed a really good visit for a couple of hours then she really seemed like a rest was needed, so i left, even though she did not want me to go.
I would say this first day was amazingly good for a lady who has been crabby most of her life. I know the time was right for this move!
She threw a fit. We remained calm and just kept saying that this was what the doctor ordered and we HAD to do it - or we could be liable for elder abuse/neglect. She rang her buzze at 1:30 in the morning and told my husband she didn't want to go. He told her that he'd always done what was in her best interests and to go back to bed - which she did.
The next morning we simply proceeded as if there was no question. (Just like you would with a child you were sending off to school or camp for the 1st time. YOU are the ONLY adult here!) She went along passively. We did NOT visit for a few days, and now go every 3-4 days or about twice a week. She has NO idea if we've been there yesterday, the day before that, or earlier today.
The Memory Care AL had set up a special lunch for her in a small conference room with a couple of staff and several residents. It was very nice and welcoming. We had set up her room (partially! - not too much from home, since this was to be "temporary") and she was impressed by the space, her bathroom, etc.
She's now been there a bit over 2 months, has made some good friends, and - best of all, my husband now truly believes/understands that she is in a far better place with more mental and physical stimulation, social activities, etc. For example, at our house, she would not change into pj's or a nightie but would always sleep in her clothes (and then change during the next day - or not). But they make sure she changes, is bathed, etc. W have also moved more things into her room over time.
While she still says she wants to come home eventually, she doesn't say it every time we see her anymore. It was recently her birthday and there was a cake and singing. Half an hour later, when my husband said what a nice cake it was, she asked him when they were going to bring it out. (!!!) - I say this because it's important for YOU to remember that she won't recall much, and that her recall will continue to deteriorate.
We decided to tell her about the move as late as possible because we knew she would obsess about it and be anxious.
I hope this helps!
I had to move my dad almost 2 years ago. I fixed his room up like a miniature version of his house. (Favorite bed, comfy clothes, books, big tv, favorite treats, breakfast bars, cookies, etc.). I put his favorite recliner with side table, remotes, good lamps at chair and bed. Put family photos up everywhere so he would feel surrounded by loved ones. All of that helped.
The place needs to be nice and a place where patients are treated with respect, fed well and provided with fun activities. The activities and meals together help patients socialize. Critical for any hope of acclimating.
Lastly, I would stay all day until bedtime on her first day and visit every day for a few weeks after that so she knows she will not be abandoned. That is a time to introduce her around and for you to get to know a little bit more about the people and place you have entrusted with her care.
Just some things that helped me...