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My ex mi, just died. Her youngest son J - a man of about 50 - has been being given money by his mum for years to the extent that she hardly had her own needs met. He is on disability, antidepressants and probably street drugs (crack pipes found), He collapsed when she died, was sent to ER, but recovered enough to collect her belongings from the hospital. Her other son, my ex, meanwhile stepped in to start making arrangements for cremation etc. However he needs ID that is in her wallet which #2 son has. There are lots of bad feelings between the two sons, so they cannot talk and nor can the POA as #2 son has alienated her. He has also made a wild accusation against me (he is pretty paranoid) but it seems that I am on the best terms of the three of us. Ex does not want any of whatever money is left nor any of the belongings except copies of any photos which have also been requested by other family members. After the divorce I remained friends with my ex mil for years and years which is the reason I am involved. We ( ex, POA and myself) only want to see her given a decent burial and we are willing to help ex bil with what needs to be done. No executor was named so it is basically up to family to look after things. Ex will get the death certificates so they can be sent to whoever needs them - pension people and so on, I will offer help from sig other and I to #2 son to move her belongings from the ALF to wherever he likes. Approaching #2 son to get the ID is the hard part. Any suggestions?

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Thx send I have been in touch regarding the damage deposit etc and POA will have to deal with that as she has signing authority at the ALF. All ex mil has coming back to her will go into her bank account.
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Start with the alf safe.
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Golden, don't know if this has been resolved yet or not. However, in a facility belongings have two categories. One, is her things. Second, is what they keep in the safe for the POA, probate, legal directions. There is a fiduciary responsibiity for what was /is in the safe, as well as what may have been in a personal account held for her.
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Thx Stacey - we are getting there and things seem secure. I will get back to you about the 23 thing - he did not get his way but not for not trying!!!
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Golden23, I'm so sorry for your loss, and this very tricky situation. I don't have anything to add, other than you sound as if you are doing everything you can do, and I hope that it all works out alright for you all. I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Stacey B
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Thank you, Golden.
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btw glad - so happy that your move is going well.
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glad - he picked up her things from the hospital - I am assuming that included her wallet. I don't know who the ALF will let into her unit. He has been there ad they know he is her son so I suspect they will let him in. I think it should go to the public trustee but not my call to make. I will try to get his cooperation but do not have high expectations. Sig other and I will offer to help him. I think it is the best we can do.
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Yeah, long shot. POA contacted the police several times but since ex mil allowed him to use her cc there was nothing they could do. We are assuming drug use due to his behaviours and that he uses $100s with nothing to show for it. Also POA found crack pipes when she cleaned out ex mils apartment. He is also on prescribed drugs for depression. But none of this would be enough. I am concerned that the ID is not secure. The bank has been notified and the branch will be notified tomorrow. I believe the cc accounts are frozen. POA had tried to restrict the spending as it was eating into money needed for ex mil's support. but the bank and cc company have no been cooperative. She did check the accounts today and there were no withdrawals so that is good, I think the accounts are secure. One of the problems is that no executor was named and son # 2 will try to take control I believe for his own reasons. With none named usually family steps forward. Who assesss if family is competent? Like I said - one step at a time,
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Golden, if nothing else, you could do as GA suggests, get police involved. What in the world is he doing with her wallet? He certainly does not want the id. Maybe he is hoping to access funds with her id? Who knows. He sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. I would ask him once for the id's telling him that they are needed to finalize arrangements. If he does not cooperate ask the funeral home to contact him. Or you may just want to skip asking him yourself. Are you sure he has the wallet?
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Long shot, but do you think the police would get involved, especially since he's a drug addict and assuming there are grounds to press possession and/or use charges against him? If so, then someone could follow the police to wherever son #2 is staying, go in the house and search for the IDs.

But your comment that he moves around also makes me wonder if the IDs are secure? Is anyone addressing the issue of stopping and/or blocking all MIL's accounts so the ID's can be fraudulently used?
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The arrangements have started, I gather. Son #1, my ex, will go there tomorrow and give the home son #2's phone number. We don't know where he lives and we hope the number is good. He moves around a bit and stays with people though has his own place as far as we know. He used to mostly live with his mum until she was moved into an ALF. We are hoping he will cooperate. Part of my reason for posting was to get suggestions for dealing with him to get his cooperation, though, honestly I am not sure there is a method of communication for successfully dealing with a drug addict/unstable person. Thx for your suggestions.
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Oh, so sorry - I didn't realize this was a Canadian issue or that the originals were needed. You're right that you can get the numbers, but not the originals unless Son #2 cooperates. Is there any way to get into the house while he's gone and get them, or do you think that he would be willing to allow the funeral home staff to copy them if he brings them in himself, stays right there, then leaves with them?

However, it does sound as if he isn't particularly cooperative.

I agree that the funeral home has probably dealt with a similar situation. It may have ways of expediting this issue.

Is the home requiring these originals before making final arrangements?
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thx GA. What is needed by the funeral home is her SIN (Canada -social insurance number card) and her health card,. I expect we can get the numbers - the POA has the SIN from tax forms and the hospital would have the health card number but the home wants the originals. She never had a driver's license. If we cannot get them from son #2, getting duplicates will be the only route, I think, but that takes time - particularly the SIN which is federal. The health card is provincial so should be easier. The POA actually has her birth certificate so that may help. One step at a time I guess. The funeral home must have dealt with this before.
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Golden, I'm so sorry for your loss, as well as for the difficulties of making the funeral arrangements.

I have a couple of suggestions, although I'm not sure they would work as I've never had to get someone's ID.

I'm assuming one of the IDs is a driver's license, whether currently valid or not.

You might try contacting the DMV or other state agency that issues them and ask about getting a duplicate copy only for the purpose of funeral identification. You could just explain that the family is not able to locate the ID but it's required for the final arrangements of burial.

Doctors and hospitals typically make copies of ID, at least in our case they have. Perhaps the hospital in which she was last at could provide a copy. I would try to contact an administrator for that though. Or perhaps other treating doctors' offices might have copies as well.

If she applied for insurance later in life, or was in hospice, these are also sources for copies of the ID.

Probably the POA should handle this as I doubt such personal information would be released otherwise.

I don't know if banks in your area require ID; I believe the last time we set up new accounts our bank copied both our driver's licenses. So that's another possibility.

I doubt if you would need a birth certificate but if you do, the county register of deeds (as it's called in my area) provides duplicate copies, for a fee of course.

Hope this helps.
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thx hope. I have been thinking if there is anyone who he would trust, No one that I know. There may be people in his world but we do not know them. I remember him as a kid (much younger than ex) coming to visit us with his mother. I used to make hot chocolate and home made French fries and he loved them and said they were the best. I remember him saying that we and one other person were the only ones apart from his mum who regularly gave him gifts. It is very sad to see him like this and to know that his mum enabled him. I am one of the people he called for support when his mum went to hospital at Christmas. I did see him there a week later when I went down and visited her and was supportive to him so I was a bit shocked when he made the accusation against me,as I have been nothing but supportive. However, I do recognize that people on drugs get paranoid and he is not mentally healthy. I will try to arrange for the ID and also be prepared for a verbal assault. I guess I am grieving what has happened to him as well as the death of his mum.
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I had not thought of that Babalou...that sounds like the best course..I was thinking someone that everyone knows who bil might trust to obtain the ID..but sounds like he has such severe issues of mistrust, the funeral home would be the best ...thinking of you Golden...that's a difficult situation...
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Thx babalou. He is mentally unstable and I certainly would never meet with him alone. I suggested to ex that he have the funeral home contact his brother. We are waiting for the POA to forward us the latest phone number that she has for # 2 son. That may be the best route for the ID. Sig other, who is good with difficult people, and I will help in whatever way possible. There are things that need to be done after a death and # 2 son is probably not capable though I think he will want to be in control. I just hate to see her life end like this, and business not dealt with, but then she enabled him all his life...
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G, my heart aches for you. I'm aldo still on very good terms with myvex mil ( she came to me second wedding!), but as ex bil sounds like he's mentally ill /unstable, you might want to consider having the funeral home get involved here. Is that a possibility?
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