My Mother is a severe alcoholic. She drinks from the moment she wakes up and takes her drink with her to bed, mostly vodka. I am actually a LPC, lic. Professional Counselor yet I'm left wondering if I'm doing too much or not enough. I'm wondering how much involvement is needed by me without enabling. She is currently living in an independent living place so she can have her food delivered. A recent visit by me shows she rarely eats, maybe 200-500 calories a day. And of course makes poor decisions, which could affect me. For example, selling her condo immediately after her Mother died so we needed to move Grandmas things out, quickly followed by moving my Mom's belongings. And the question of drinking and driving makes my heart plummet. I know when I'm not there she drives without a current drivers license nor car tags to get her booze.
I can say I don't love her but I am family and all she has therefore some loyalty remains. In the past she was extremely hurtful psychologically so I stopped communication. The last 6 months, she's been like her normal self, passive-aggressive but livable.
I've asked her in the morning, best shot of clarity, how much involvement she would like and told her I agreed with her that she doesn't make good choices. She wants to wait 3 months to see where she is at before we decide if she will move closer so I can monitor her more. Tough call on how much drama I will allow in my life. I'm fortunate because currently she will have money to pay for a facility, if she allows me to control her finances.
After 3 days with her I was so emotionally drained from the history and psychological diggs that remained Unphased on my husband yet completely brought up my anger of years of emotional abuse.
I had to remove myself frequently from the house and do a lot of self-care. I worked out, had a Starbucks, walked around outside. And after day 3 of packing, with her sitting on her butt, we left her and her hired help to finish moving her belongings. I did not stay to help her renew her license or tags. And hopefully she will not be able to pass the written nor driving portion. I'm just accepting this is as good as it gets.
Any advice for setting boundaries and not enabling and somehow providing enough care for our parents to live out their days as they wish. Intervention is not possible. She's 68 and we have made several attempts thru-out the years.

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((((((hugs))))) dear soul. I understand the toxicity. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and I simply cannot be around her very long. Pauline Boss, a psychologist, has written that those who were/are abused by a parent should not do hands-on caregiving. She recommends that you be humane to your parent, but do yourself no further harm. Arranging for their care through/ by someone else can work. In the worst cases, she says that No Contact might be necessary. I think many of us have PTSD from childhood, and it does not take much contact to set that off. I agreed to be POA for my mother, and ended up doing myself harm, by which I mean the PTSD was triggered when my mother became very paranoid and made 3 crazy phone calls a day, and I injured my shoulder moving her. I am 77 and she is 102 and it feels like it will not end in my lifetime.

You must detach - sounds like you have - and draw boundaries. Also learn what you need to about the condition your mother has (I expect you have) and have ongoing support. It is a very tough call re how much drama to allow into your life. Does she have a personality disorder, is she narcissistic? My mother lives 5 hrs. drive away and I would not want her closer. I am learning to hire people where she is to do some of the work that involves dealing directly with her. She was pretty independent until a few years ago, though played the narcissistic games and still does to get attention.

Can you hire a geriatric care manager We are a little behind in that in Canada or I would look into it. Re driving you can and should inform the DMV and her local cops that she is driving without a licence. People here in similar situations recommend disabling the car. She could kill someone and you don't want that on your conscience.

Number one for caregivers - look after yourself. Past hurts do surface and new ones occur. You cannot afford too much of that, as you have already experienced. Don't allow her to cause you more harm.
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