I've been through the parent caregiving phase and was very lucky that my mother was very easy to care for. She was by no means independent, but in four years she never gave me a minutes' worth of trouble. The worst time was when she had a UTI, but that was it. I'm really worried about what is going to happen to me. I don't have anyone to care for me or know when I need care. I'm really scared.

Find Care & Housing
I took care of my Mom for a number of years until her death in 2016. I've known since I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease in my 20's that I would probably end up with dialysis and I have. I have one son and stepsons. They help me but are not responsible for me in any way. I have saved and invested for years.
I'm in a nice private nursing home and may be here permanently. I have insurance to pay for a long period; when that runs out in 8 years then I will have to pay from my income and investments. I'm not able to do many things I would like to do, but it is what it is and I choose to be happy rather than dwell on what I can't do.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to Becky04471

I dragged DH to an estate atty 5 years ago when I turned 60. He was 65. Said we were 'way too young' to be making these decisions.

After the first mtg with the atty--he was singing a different song.

Having our affairs in order and done legally (before that we had an online will, but it was very 'boilerplate' and didn't address a lot of specifics) put him at ease.

We are currently moving to a more 'Sr friendly' home, it is a little early for that, but one came up in a fantastic neighborhood for $150K less than what it was worth and we snapped it up. We are in the process of remodeling & painting. It needs a lot of small jobs, but I think it will be lovely. We'll add a small kitchen to the basement for the possible CG's who may wind up living with and caring for us.

I don't do change well, not at all, and so I am pretty anxious about this, but I think once I adapt to new neighbors and such--it will be fine.

We don't expect our kids to do anything long term for us. I rolled through cancer, major foot surgery and 2 bouts of shingles with no outside although it wasn't FUN, it did make me realize I needed to pre-plan as much as possible.

Some families are able to handle a lot of hands on CG and not get weird. Mine's not one of those. And that's OK.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Midkid58
Beatty Jan 21, 2022
That's great about your move! Way to go!

I also have tried to drag DH (man shaped lump of lead) to sort out that stuff. I've now made it clear he must attend at next sig b'day or house purchase. We are looking but prices here have skyrocketing during the pandemic. Not sure if a crazy unsustainable wave or this crazy is permanent yet (if so, we'll need a whole new plan).

I'm not good with change either, getting worse as I age. Keep things too long. Books, old papers, even my current job.. time for a big clean out!

It takes me a while to settle into a new area. Finding that balance between going out to explore, new shops, new people & unwind in my own nest, with my own things. You could drop DH anywhere & he just would start building his life again. He is focused on today. Which pulls me through when planning/ruminating/stressing too much about not today stuff.

Enoy your new place ❤️🏠
See 1 more reply
Welcome to the "party". Age 66, caring for mom aged 93. She's fairly easy right now in that she is somewhat mobile and can toilet herself (for the most part). But my finances are somewhat scattered, I'm trying to hold a full-time job so that if I live as long as she has, I won't be in hovel, I'm losing grip on caring for the house (which is 87 years old and not in great shape), and I haven't been to doctor in nearly a yeaer because time off is dedicated to taking her to md appointments. Things looking kinda' bleak because I'm disorganized and tired. So there ya' have it. It's a mess and I have no one to blame but myself. Yeah, it's scary as hell.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Tynagh
katepaints Jan 21, 2022
It is so easy to neglect your own health care when you’re in crisis management and prevention mode as a caregiver. I’m finally catching up with my own appointments. If you become seriously ill who will take care of your mom? Make those appointments for yourself!
I try to think about this every night, but am in an endless loop. I truly don't know if the Caregiving will ever end in my life time. I believe my Mom will outlive me, but am not sure. It could be another 10 years of Caregiving.

I hope I won't live that long if it's the case, but one never knows how long they'll live ... - so, I never know how to plan or what to think about the future because it is so bleak and empty for me, plus I'm not really inspired to look forward to anything now because I don't know how long this will last.

Went to my Doctor last week, and now I need Blood Pressure pills and Muscle Relaxants. Haven't been on either before, it's part of my body's response to the demands of being an unpaid Caregiver with no time off.

So, nope - I have no idea about the future because the thoughts go in every direction because my future revolves around someone else's health and longevity.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to LavenderBear
OldArkie Jan 21, 2022
I feel your despair... I am 82 and care for my 84 YO wife who is fairly communicative except for her AD and memory loss from stroke a few years ago. And I am never quite sure if she is faking! I could be living a full life except for my spousal obligations and her attitude certainly doesn't make my duties more bearable. Wish I could offer some good advice or encouragement, but I am feeling pretty despondent myself! Good luck!
See 2 more replies
Start by considering what would be the signs that your mom needed help:
difficulty with the bank accounts?
difficulty remembering when to take medications?
forgetting how to do simple things or directions?

These and some you could also imagine are your signs too. Start "helping" yourself to navigate senior years:
set up automatic payments for bills,
get a pill box and set reminder alarms on your phone to take them,
start using your GPS religiously for every trip in your car...
make friends with younger neighbors who will notice if something is awry,
consider moving into a senior community (not assisted living or nursing home) so you have more caregivers around you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Taarna

I worry about the future too. But I hope I can focus on what I can still do, rather than what I cannot.

I wrote the following on another post, so sorry for re-using some of it 😃

Independence is a wonderful thing. It grows, evolves, changes shape. Just needs the right size & it can survive.

Can't live alone in my home.
CAN make wherever I move to my home.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Beatty

I completely understand your worries. They are also mine I've been caring for my mom for about a decade. Friends fall away because it's hard to get away to see them and I'm the youngest of 4. So who will be there to help me if I get like my mom? It's not a wrong or selfish thought. Let's face it as caregivers we know those we care for are terrible advertisement for getting old. If I had ability to save money I would try to find a decent facility where u can live on your own with help a call away. Without savings we know the options for those we care for, we just need to be proactive in finding out more information. To prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
It is terrifying wondering who will do for me what I've done for my mom? I don't want to rob a niece or nephew of their lives and truly don't know if any have that capacity for kindness to another like that. They are young, self involved like so many at their age. I think a elderly roommate always a choice to consider. There are no easy answers. Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to tjstyme

Start making a plan now. How old are you? How is your health? I would be looking at an independent lifestyle instead of worrying about not having someone to care for you.

Depending on your age, if you own a house, sell it and move into an appropriate place that meets your needs. If you don't need any help with anything right now and you're over 55, move into a senior apartment complex. You'll have others around yet be living on your own. When you can't take care of everything, hire a home aide.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to againx100

A thorough method is to list everything you need and/or do, ranging from laundry to lawn maintenance, and grocery shopping to medical trips.    to get started, you can jot down your daily activities, then classify them.  Your goal would be to eventually research and find potential solutions for them, to the extent possible.

Research online what your county or state might be able to offer in terms of elder support.  Some states, such as mine, have an Elder department which offers support and suggestions, including in legal areas.

Contact your local Senior Center if one exists, and find out what they offer.   My father's was one of the best, providing not only entertainment but the basics of food, support events, as well as clubs.   There were opportunities for seniors to get support, as well as provide it.  It also contracted with the local transit agency to rent 2 small buses for use by seniors in the community.

Unfortunately, this doesn't exist in all communities; my own is, despite being in a city decades old, just getting starting figuring out what it should do.

Your goal is to identify what could happen, what could but hopefully won't, and everyday life, then find solutions, whether it's through governmental agencies, senior centers, or private care.    Consider it a research project.

Your location can be key, especially in getting medical care.   If you're renting an apartment, that could be something to consider.    One of my plans is to move closer to a major medical area, such as a teaching hospital.  During my own caregiving journey, I found that locating and identifying good medical sources, including access to good hospitals, was helpful if not critical for my father's care.

Another key issue is financing.    If you don't have a budget, create one, and determine how much money you might have available, assuming that SS isn't going to increase by much over the years.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to GardenArtist
geddyupgo Jan 21, 2022
Have to congratulate and thank you for remembering the healthcare facility part of the equation! So many of us get seduced and side tracked by the draw of moving to locations with lower property taxes that we sometimes forget there are other factors that should be considered like the quantity and qualities of nearby hospitals and rehab facilities.
Had friends that move to a small rural town in TN where they purchased 11 acres and a double wide for chump change. Their property tax was about $300 per year ( a fraction of what I pay; however as they aged their needs increased. Harder to feed the horses and mow 11 acres. 10 years after their move.... both needed cataract surgery. The husband had his first at the local hospital. Went well. The wife had hers next but by this time the hospital was struggling to maintain it's Mediare certification. The sx did not go as well as it should have and needed to be fixed by additional medical processes. Unfortunately, the nearest hospital that was qualified to perform the fix was about 70 miles away! She never got the sx, the husband passed away as did the horses and now she would love move back east to be near her support group (family and a lot of friends) but can't afford to. Rather sad.
Sounds like you have a great plan for yourself which is good to hear.
See 2 more replies
I see you have asked several questions with the same theme. Nevertheless, you may soon find that responders are going to say more about this.

If you are so worried, you might want to seek counselling
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MACinCT

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter