The assisted living home requires a meet and greet with my mother before actual move in. I think after the visit she will refuse to go back. How to handle the situation would be greatly appreciated.
If she's competent, I wouldn't advise the abandonment method. Elderly are terrified of losing control over their life. You have to make it appear to be a choice, she's making. Her agreeing to go to the meet and greet is a good sign. There's not one person in any type of facility, that wouldn't prefer to be in their own home. Most love the security, socializing, good meals and outings in an AL. The more freedom of choice she feels there, the more appealing it'll be.
Oh, there would have been no way my Dad would have ever gone back after greet and meet. I would let the new place know that she won’t go back if she does the meet and greet first. Good luck!
I truly hope this goes well for you.. I have no advise...my mom was terrible, mean, abusive.. at one point I swear she would of hit me with her closed fist if she could have reached me. Insisted on moving absolutely as much as possible into her studio apartment. Including the huge rocks out of the front yard...I look back and wonder how I did it all. I am out of state, moved my mom, help fix the roof leak on trailer to get it ready to sell, empty the mobile home.(my moms caregiver came and took most of what I had to get rid of, saving grace) Thank goodness my mom kept a clean home...no siblings to help, extended family didn’t lift a hand...
Questions: 1) Was this move at any time her idea? 2) No mention of cognitive decline - is there any? 3) If answer to 1&2 are no, what is the reason for the move?
If your mother hasn't been deemed incompetent and also hasn't made the decision to move to AL, exactly how and why is this being done? Even with a Dx of dementia, we can't force someone to move. My mother's pre-dementia plans included moving to AL, but post-dementia you'd think they were all dirt hovel prisons. We already had POA etc, done many years before the need to move. EC atty told me we could not force her to move. Staff also told me they are not allowed to force a resident to do anything they are refusing to do (showers, medications, exams, outings, etc.) So, if your mother is considered competent and hasn't agreed to this move, I don't see any tips for helping the situation. If she did agree, but has changed her mind, she is well within her rights.
If you respond telling us she has dementia, that changes things. It also helps because there are suggestions that might work.
Talk about refusing....I have to “hide” mix meds with chocolate pudding or apple sauce. Eye drops now my mother insists are “poison” & will cause blindness. I can stand there till the cows 🐄 come home...no amount of explanation that they’re to keep her sight...so I have to hold down her hands from hitting me...& put drops in corner of her eyes & then pry her eyes open so they go in! I realize a facility will not ever go through this trouble to keep her from going blind...but I figure she’s lost almost everything else & that’s only thing left...her sight...it gives me stomach pains to do it because she becomes the Incredible Hulk! Hugs 🤗
Ask for some tips from AL staff. They are used to this and have seen a variety of responses from clients. Do you have to make a final decision before her visit? If you can reassure your mom that it's a visit for you both to "check things out", to "see what it's like". Go over with her some of the advantages, things she might like, before your actual visit. Perhaps you can convince her without making her feel pressured.
If she is resistant, then you can figure out, how to make the experience better for her or perhaps consider another facility. If this facility is your only choice, you may have to do a more aggressive sell job. It may come down to, "this is what's best for all of us. It's what we have to do". But it will be better if she feels she has some choices, even if they are rather minor ones. Everyone wants to feel they have some choices about their life. Don't force an issue unless or until you have to.
Well don't do what I did with my mother! We packed her up on the day she entered AL w/o telling her until we got there. She was mad @ 1st but did adapt. Wish I'd read all the tips here but I guess I didn't seek help...too frazzled with doing this. Head nurse was mad too but she got over it. Hope you're able to use the tips on this site to make it smoother for you and her.
So 9 years later I'm in the same boat with DH, somewhere down the road he'll be entering AL. He has mentioned it a couple of times but then changes his mind. I'm thankful for the tips here to use with him.
Have someone be with mom while others move the furniture of hers you are taking to AL. Arrange things as close to her prior house as possible. Have everything done when you take her to new place. TV, phone, pictures hung bathroom set up with supplies. My mom felt immediately comfortable said she felt like she was still at her house!
I really don't remember a "meet and greet" for my Mom. I initially went to the facility to find out about respite so we could go to my nieces wedding. They were having a sale on rooms 1/2 price. I ended up putting Mom in permanently. I remember her being evaluated for her care but I think that was the day of admission.
I had looked at another AL and the director suggested I bring Mom along. Bad decision. She thought we were dropping her off the minute we pulled up to the facility. When I did finally place her, we told her she was moving to an apartment where she would have new friends and things to do.
Do you have any backup? The morning I was to take my mom into AL, she absolutely refused to go. She had fallen and spent 10 hours in the tub the previous day so hers was to be a temporary stay in AL until she regained her strength. When she started telling me I was being bossy and mean, I calmly suggested she call my sister ( who lives 9 hours away and she never argues with) to see what she thought. I had realized this would probably happen and had arranged for my sister to be available by phone that morning. When she heard my sister say that she should go to the AL, she complied. She’s been there since Dec 2019 and loves the staff and the residents.
I hope all goes well for you both. This is so difficult.
My mom has memory problems. She knew she needed to move out but emotionally she was unable to take the steps to do so herself. I lived in another state at the time. They evaluated her at her home and accepted her. She then independently went to the facility and signed the paper work and wrote them a check.we reminded her daily of her upcoming move. On moving day she claims no one told her she was moving. She was having nothing less than a temper tantrum. So, right before the moving trucks got there I took mom out for a drive while my husband stayed there and dealt with the movers. When I drove back, I drove straight to the facility. She was very unhappy. She didn’t remember she was moving. But for a long time she remembered I tricked her that day. She did finally let it go. And we eventually moved her to a new place down here where we now live. Now she talks about how wonderful her old place was compared to her new place. But I am spoiling her now and she usually has a smile in her face and seems happy.
The home is completely used to this. Let them take the lead. CAll them before you go and express your concerns and ask how they think she should be handled.
When my sweet client had to move to AL, she had lunch there about 3 times, met a lot of people, saw her apartment, got to choose what furniture she'd need, where she'd put things, etc. She actually also had a couple of her grandkids go with her, slowly making the place less scary.
When she finally moved in, it was kind of a relief and she settled in beautifully. She was a sweetheart and kind and loving, even as she moved slowly through Parkinson's. Her basic personality made the change fine.
If your mom is not as sociable, she will have a longer and harder time, but she'll adapt. Follow the lead of the AL and let her acclimate.
Is this in any way to evaluate IF she is suitable as a resident?
The IL my mom went into required basically 2 “play dates”. The first was to put her on their waiting lists and the 2nd right before she was to move in. Both basically to see if she could do what they expected their residents ability to be at. They also did this for those coming into their AL as well. For my mom, she had to go off on her own with staff over to activities and then walk thru the apt, community laundry area and go in via the elevator but exit the stairs (to see if she could do the fire escape route). Then come back for lunch and sit with other residents. I stayed in admissions and went over paperwork and then just went to their coffee bar and hung.
if this could at all be to determine if she’s appropriate for AL, you might want to prep her on what the visit could be like if she’s not easily independent and social.
Have you explained your concerns about the preliminary “visit” to the AL staff?
I am quite sure that my LO would have ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to go back if she’d sensed the slightest possibility to do so.
For some clients, the visit might seem a gracious and comforting preparation, but for others, getting there and becoming resigned to the change that has come to their lives simply needs to be structured differently.
If the AL can offer an alternative to the visit, it’s only fair to consider their recommendation, but the bottom line is, you know your LO.
Hoping all goes peacefully and comfortably for all of you involved.
Does she have cognitive decline or dementia? Are you the POA? I’d likely approach it depending on various factors. Can you arrange to have lunch in the dining room and the administrator greet her while she’s in dining room....keeping it friendly and casual? But, if she doesn’t want to stay, they can’t hold her there against her will. Would she agree to stay for just a little while to help with her mobility, diet or to regain her strength? Sometimes, keeping it on a short term basis works initially. I hope you get some more responses. I know it’s tough. When I took my LO it was difficult, but her doctor had told her that she HAD to go to AL, because it was not safe for her to live alone. Her doctor was very firm with her, so I was able to get her to agree to stay long enough to get better.
1) Was this move at any time her idea?
2) No mention of cognitive decline - is there any?
3) If answer to 1&2 are no, what is the reason for the move?
If your mother hasn't been deemed incompetent and also hasn't made the decision to move to AL, exactly how and why is this being done? Even with a Dx of dementia, we can't force someone to move. My mother's pre-dementia plans included moving to AL, but post-dementia you'd think they were all dirt hovel prisons. We already had POA etc, done many years before the need to move. EC atty told me we could not force her to move. Staff also told me they are not allowed to force a resident to do anything they are refusing to do (showers, medications, exams, outings, etc.) So, if your mother is considered competent and hasn't agreed to this move, I don't see any tips for helping the situation. If she did agree, but has changed her mind, she is well within her rights.
If you respond telling us she has dementia, that changes things. It also helps because there are suggestions that might work.
Talk about refusing....I have to “hide” mix meds with chocolate pudding or apple sauce. Eye drops now my mother insists are “poison” & will cause blindness. I can stand there till the cows 🐄 come home...no amount of explanation that they’re to keep her sight...so I have to hold down her hands from hitting me...& put drops in corner of her eyes & then pry her eyes open so they go in! I realize a facility will not ever go through this trouble to keep her from going blind...but I figure she’s lost almost everything else & that’s only thing left...her sight...it gives me stomach pains to do it because she becomes the Incredible Hulk!
Hugs 🤗
Perhaps you can convince her without making her feel pressured.
If she is resistant, then you can figure out, how to make the experience better for her or perhaps consider another facility. If this facility is your only choice, you may have to do a more aggressive sell job. It may come down to, "this is what's best for all of us. It's what we have to do". But it will be better if she feels she has some choices, even if they are rather minor ones. Everyone wants to feel they have some choices about their life. Don't force an issue unless or until you have to.
So 9 years later I'm in the same boat with DH, somewhere down the road he'll be entering AL. He has mentioned it a couple of times but then changes his mind. I'm thankful for the tips here to use with him.
I had looked at another AL and the director suggested I bring Mom along. Bad decision. She thought we were dropping her off the minute we pulled up to the facility. When I did finally place her, we told her she was moving to an apartment where she would have new friends and things to do.
I hope all goes well for you both. This is so difficult.
When my sweet client had to move to AL, she had lunch there about 3 times, met a lot of people, saw her apartment, got to choose what furniture she'd need, where she'd put things, etc. She actually also had a couple of her grandkids go with her, slowly making the place less scary.
When she finally moved in, it was kind of a relief and she settled in beautifully. She was a sweetheart and kind and loving, even as she moved slowly through Parkinson's. Her basic personality made the change fine.
If your mom is not as sociable, she will have a longer and harder time, but she'll adapt. Follow the lead of the AL and let her acclimate.
The IL my mom went into required basically 2 “play dates”. The first was to put her on their waiting lists and the 2nd right before she was to move in. Both basically to see if she could do what they expected their residents ability to be at. They also did this for those coming into their AL as well. For my mom, she had to go off on her own with staff over to activities and then walk thru the apt, community laundry area and go in via the elevator but exit the stairs (to see if she could do the fire escape route). Then come back for lunch and sit with other residents. I stayed in admissions and went over paperwork and then just went to their coffee bar and hung.
if this could at all be to determine if she’s appropriate for AL, you might want to prep her on what the visit could be like if she’s not easily independent and social.
I am quite sure that my LO would have ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to go back if she’d sensed the slightest possibility to do so.
For some clients, the visit might seem a gracious and comforting preparation, but for others, getting there and becoming resigned to the change that has come to their lives simply needs to be structured differently.
If the AL can offer an alternative to the visit, it’s only fair to consider their recommendation, but the bottom line is, you know your LO.
Hoping all goes peacefully and comfortably for all of you involved.
Does it have to be at the facility? The facility director came to our house to meet my mom. Have you discussed your concerns with them?