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We were going to my moms on Lee’s days off and taking FIL to my BIL if we were gone a couple days. My husband is on vacation for 11 days starting last Thursday. Well I know many of you know that I had a nerve block done the beginning of August. I was woken up with this pain that is even worse than before Thursday morning. It hurt so bad I could barely breathe. So we didn’t go to my mom's that day and it was still bad Friday. Well I got a call from med alert 9 pm. I was so sick I didn’t hear it. We went down Saturday her entire face was black and blue. She fell into a door. The ambulance came and got her up and did a check but she refused medical treatment to go to the emergency room. Then I was talking to her hairdresser and she told me my mom fell Tuesday and the neighbor got her up. I am really worried. Plus her leg is swollen and it’s breaking the skin and oozing and I found a callous on the toe right next to the one that was amputated. My husband and I tried from Saturday until yesterday to make her go to the ER. We had to get back because my FIL was at the alcoholic BIL. Good news is she did go to the emergency room today and the CT is clear but they didn’t look at her leg or foot and she didn’t say anything. Her foot doctor is out until next monday. Anyway last night we picked up my FIL from my BIL but no one was there. I was getting message from my SIL all the time we were gone. He forgot to pack his depends even though we kept asking and he only took one pair of pants. She said in the message last night that he needs more care than they can give. Welcome to my world. The thing is BIL did nothing while he was there. He should use his FMLA but he would just drink all day. Lee tried calling him last night but my SIL said he came in asking where his dad was he was hammered and then went and sat in the garage to drink more. My SIL also found my FIL pills dropped in a bag and her granddaughter was coming and she eats everything. Then there is my health. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

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happy sunday, i don’t know what to do with my mom and her lying about money and gambling. when my brother was around he kept telling me about my mom and her lottery tickets. well i asked her about and she said she wasn’t gambling so i gave her the benefit of the doubt. well i took her to get an mri and while she was getting it done i needed a pen so i was looking in her purse and i found a stack of tickets and not dollar ones. i stopped counting at 300 dollars. i was just shaking and didn’t know what to do. i felt like a fool. when she got out she knew something was wrong. so i confronted her and she said they were old ones. i knew she was lying and i said it’s an addiction just like alcoholism. she said she does feel so good when she wins. i told her i understand. well now fast forward to the present, i was trying to figure out where all the money was going in her account. she took out 450 the month of august. she always says she pays cash for her groceries. well i asked her then why are there all these checks for groceries. she responded that she burned her bank envelope when it fell into the garbage. she said she burned 100 dollars and she was embarrassed to tell me. i am so tired of all these lies. she told her friend she only lost 20 dollars.! the last time we were down there she got so angry because she said that she isn’t gambling. she has used the burning of money before. so now this morning i was talking to her friend and she told me that my mom was digging in her purse for money to pay for her meal and she saw a stack of lottery tickets. i know it’s her money but she will spend it all and then it always falls on us. she took all the money she got refinancing and moved it to a bank i don’t have access to. all my friends say i should just pay off all the medical bills before she goes broke. there is only 1200 left and she has the money now but i feel its her money but they say because my name is on the account i can do it. i just feel wrong doing it. but she is not making sound decisions about her money. i am so tired of lies. i now know that when i didn’t believe my brother he can hold that resentment towards me. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. also thank you for letting me vent.?
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Ahmijoy Sep 9, 2018
Staff, you can’t reason with Mom. She has at least one addiction (gambling) and may have started down the path to dementia as well. You need to stop ignoring these facts. You can’t treat her like a “normal” person because she’s not anymore. You’re only frustrating yourself and, yes, endangering her. She should not be living alone with only help from you when you and Lee can go frantically running up there for a day. Her health is shot and her mind isn’t operating too good either. Unless you take charge and find her at least part time in-home care or find a facility for her, this is going to go on and on and on. Have you read here that at least 30% of caregivers die before the people they’re taking care of? It’s at least that. You’ll go from one trauma to another. Health worries, lying, gambling, financial irresponsibility, maintaining her house...it’s time that you find another solution.

We all care about you and we want you to be and stay ok. Sending hugs.
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interesting take my bil has on my fil last stay at his house. i don’t think he remembers anything or that he didn’t do anything. are only options when we go to moms is them. so sil says he needs more care than they can give him and bil is clueless about what is going on there. what do we do when we have to go to moms again. please help
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When LO's are getting hurt, falling, resisting care, resisting medical treatment, not listening to sound advice, etc., it's time to explore options for care. I'd gather documents and consult with an Elder Law attorney and consult with doctors. Social workers may also be able to provide info on what is available and the qualifications. The needs and crisis will likely get more intense. Once the person is struggling in the home, it usually doesn't get better without intervention of some sort. I hope that you can find the answers you need.
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I agree about the grandchild. It’s easy to overlook something like that and it could have tragic consequences.

Staff, everyone seems to be ignoring the”elephant in the room”. Lee’s Dad and your mom need to be someplace; especially your mom. My mom started falling too. But, she was always fumble-footed and so was her mom before her. Unfortunately that’s something I inherited too. But when Mom started falling every couple days, I knew something had to be done. The decision was made for me when she got a raging UTI and went off the wall. She was evaluated and the social worker told me she didn’t pass the tests to be able to live alone. She went to a nursing home.

Refresh my memory. Why aren’t you putting Mom in a facility? I predict at some point, she and FIL will both be living with you.
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Staffbull18 Sep 5, 2018
she refuses to use any of the farm and she is adamant about staying in her house and she still is able to make decision on her own. then i was looking over all the cash she withdrew 450. she says she pays for groceries yet all i see is checks for groceries, so i am really concerned that she is gambling again. i ask her and she gets defensive. it is her money but she wants her bathroom done. my husband has done takeout the walls and he is taking the bathtub out next. she needs all new plumbing. i brought it up and she acted like that was new. she knew that had to be done. i need to pay off her medical bills and then we know where she is. however she refuses because she might need it for an emergency. she only owes 1200 dollars and she has that. one friend said just do it your name is on her account. but i feel its her money. then she moved her money into her credit union and i can’t see what she is spending. oh yeah she told me that she burned a 100 dollars of her cash but she told her friend 20. she wasn’t going to tell me because she was embarrassed. this has happened before but she said my daddy burned her purse with 300. i just want her to be honest. i don’t know what to do
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Whoever is in charge of the grandchild should take extra caution if medications are being left laying around. I might steer clear with the child, until things are under control.

Since you have so much on your plate, in addition to your own medical problem, I'd try to figure out if mom is capable of making sound medical decisions or not. if she's competent, but, just wants to ignore her health and injuries, that's her choice, but, it seems that she doesn't mind creating a lot of extra work and misery for you. Would she do that, if she was thinking clearly? I might have her evaluated to see if she is competent. If not, she needs someone to step in and make her decisions. When my LO started falling a lot, suffering with fractured wrist, fractured foot, etc. she was having strokes. Not long after that she was diagnosed with dementia and not able to care for herself anymore or decide when she needed medical care.
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