I just don't want to help them, it is an unkind and cold thought, I can't help it.
I moved far away years ago, which is a blessing for me, I have been able to sift through the bad and find me, and nurture that little girl that was never shown love.
But now the perpetrators of my mind and body need help because they are aging and haven't bothered to prepare financially, it is now up to me and my older siblings to fund their old age.
I don't feel like they deserve my help, both of them made life very hard for me, and now it's so hard for me to forgive and forget and pay up.
I feel like when I moved away I escaped, but now I am being forced to return to a place I cannot survive, I am being thrown with guilt arrows, I wonder if they feel any guilt about my upbringing.
How do I protect my psychological mind and not ruin my conscience and damage my soul?
Do I sacrifice my conscience to save my mind or suffer psychologically to save my soul, I feel these are the only options.

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Why do you think that it's your job to fund their own age? It was THEIR job to plan for their own old age, not yours.

I don't think you should feel any guilt at all.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

I worry (and get annoyed) when replies to questions like this are "Have compassion! Suck it up and do it! It's your mother!". Often people who advise this are trying to make things right in their mind. I think there's two main scenarios with this.

1. Showing their parents that despite their crappy parenting and neglect, that their grown child is a much better person than they were. Here I am, willing to serve. See? I turned out great! I win!

2. Hoping that caretaking will finally make their parents love them and see them for the good person they are. Sure, your folks may have ignored you, neglected you, or said mean things to you, or abused you, or let you be abused, and overall left you with a big mental mess that you spent years to clean up. But hey, nobody's perfect! They did the best they could, right? They didn't really mean all those things, did they? Oh, they couldn't have. They'll see how they messed up and will be sorry when the child steps in, and maybe get a deathbed "I love you".

And 9.99 times out of 10, these outcomes do not happen. Haven't you suffered enough as it is?

I have seen a lot of people, family included, who allow themselves to be absolutely stomped on by others in the name of 'compassion'. If you keep subjecting yourself to someone who is cruel to you, or was cruel and never apologized or acknowledged their cruelty, that isn't compassion. That's fear! You are still the child who is being bullied by someone 3x bigger than you. Gotta keep the peace by keeping them content. You've been gaslit (classic abuser tactic) and it stuck. The "well, maybe I provoked some of it, I wasn't a good kid, I don't know..." feelings.

It's okay to still have that fear. Just have to see it for what it is, and go from there.
If you truly feel helping them would heal your heart, then do it. Just be sure that is the motive. Otherwise its a message to them and you that your feelings and issues just don't matter.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Wow your words ring so true to me Loopyloo
I absolutely feel like I would be somehow condoning their abusive parenting skills if I pay up, and yes I totally 'fear' the wrath of my mother,and just want to keep the peace, but truthfully, I never feel peaceful when trying to 'keep the peace', I just feel like a cowering little child. There is no balance or love in that.....its like some weird co-dependent game. It's not good for anyone when I give in, it feels like weakness not strength.
Your words have really made me think!
Thank you for taking the time to respond
This is much appreciated
Whether you had fabulous parents or terrible parents growing up, funding their old age is NOT YOUR JOB. Period. Funding YOUR old age is your job, that's it! Because one day you will be there and then what? Who will fund your old age? Don't rely on anyone but yourself to do that!!

My suggestion to you is to help your folks find somewhere to live that is within their means, using their limited incomes with SSI or whatever they do get. Low income housing is available, many many seniors make it work without ever dreaming of mooching off of their children!

Then decide how much time you will spend with them once they are situated. Once a week, once a month, whatever. Set down boundaries and rules to follow, in other words, that suit YOU. Because in reality, this isn't about THEM, it's about YOU.

I grew up wanting nothing but to get away from my mother. I wound up moving all over the country and the folks followed me until I moved back East & they couldn't afford it. I had 17 years of blessed peace until 2011 when my dad couldn't drive anymore and I had to move them here. I'm an only child, so there was nobody else to do it. And truthfully, my dad was a wonderful man & I'd have moved heaven & earth for him. It's my mother who's the rotten egg. Anyway, I had them placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after dad fell and broke a hip b/c I couldn't possibly care for them in my home. He passed in 2015 & my mother is 93 now & still going strong. I don't pay one penny of my own money for her care, either. When her money runs out next year, I'll apply for Medicaid and get her placed into Skilled Nursing at that time.

Do what you have to do to protect YOURSELF throughout your folks' old age, okay? Think of it that way..........that you're wearing a shield of armor that nothing can penetrate! Set up a list of rules to follow and then stick to it like glue. That will help guide you when you feel torn about what to do for them and what not to do.

Wishing you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to lealonnie1
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Thank you so much Lealonnie1
I appreciate all that you said, thank you for sharing your story, I really like the shield of armour as a tool and a list of rules. I already feel a lot lighter.
Thank you
No one should or feel they need to care for people who abused them in any way. I believe what goes around comes around. We all learn something in this life. This is now the part where ur parents learn. And you nor your siblings are not required
to give their time or money. What ur parents need to do now is live within their means. If that means downsizing to a Senior apt so be it. They will need to find the resourses available in their community to help them. Calling Office of Aging can get them started.

Here is another new post similar to yours.

Read what I wrote. If u do help, do it from a distance. No child who has been abused should be a caretaker for their parents.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to JoAnn29
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Thank you JoAnn29
I do agree and feel that they have set it up like this , and should reep the rewards of what they haven't sewed
I will read those posts, thank you
Guilttripkid, did they actually ask you for help? If not, don't volunteer. If they did ask for help and you are having a hard time with staying away, you can help show them what their options are and then let them choose. But don't do anything more. You may need to have a discussion about this with your siblings, so each of you know where the others stand. This is the retirement your parents planned for, so let them have it. Also, you are not responsible for their happiness. May you have peace in your heart to whatever turns their journey takes. Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Geaton777
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Thank you Geaton777
I like what you said, that they planned for their retirement, let them have it,
I appreciate all your advice
It is not your responsibility to fund their old age, if they didn't plan ahead then it is their problem, not yours. There are programs available for the elderly who didn't have the sense to plan for their senior years.

Let them handle this, you can direct them, but it is their responsibility to find a solution. Medicaid may be an option.

Take care of you, don't give up you for them, no one can force you to do anything. Guilt is a self imposed emotion, driven by fear, what do you fear? Sounds like you are suffering from False Guilt, you may want to Google this term.
As long as you embrace guilt you will remain stuck in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key to unlock the door, consider using it and do what is best for you.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to anonymous912123
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Thank you DollyMe
Yes, that terrible emotion guilt, I am going to look up false guilt, this is the core feeling that I need to release...... you have made me think deeply about this
I think you need to preserve yourself first.

children are never required, in any way, to pay for their parents old age. And certainly not when the parents perpetuated neglect,

the guilt? It is a tool others will try to use against you to get you to do what they want. Divorce yourself from that too. Simply keep, I must take care of me first. I finally have my life on track..I won’t go back to the bad ole days. Conversation done, And then, Refuse to talk about it.

you implemented no contact before and regained it again with anyone trying to use the guilt routine on you.

stay strong, and move forward with your life!!!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Katiekate
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Yes, those are good words, thank you Katiekate
I'm trying to answer but I don't have the words. Please think of yourself, first.
Sometimes life sucks but that's your parents problem, not yours. Here's a big big big hug for you!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to susalie
Guilttripkid Feb 24, 2020
Thank you for the hug susalie
" they are aging and haven't bothered to prepare financially, it is now up to me and my older siblings to fund their old age."

Why are you the one who thinks you have to move back there? Where are your older siblings?

NONE of you has to fund your parents' old age.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to CTTN55

Guilttripkid. One thing I remember about my mother was before and after therapy I could not let her touch me. I just could not stand it. After several years, I finally could touch her, but I couldn't let her touch me. There is a difference. I remember one time, she wouldn't take her walker and she reached out for my arm to help herself up a curb. I shrank away, I just could not stand for her to touch me.

That said, you are not under any circumstances liable for their lack of planning. If someone tries to make you think you "have" to help. Ask them or yourself what would happen if you got into a car accident today and was killed. They would get by somehow. If it is siblings, remember, every kid has a different relationship with their parents. Mine was not near the same as my brother's (the Golden Child). Of course, he couldn't stand mom either and wouldn't help her at all.

Do not spend any of your money taking care of them, like I said, if you died today, they would get by. If there is no one to help them with Medicaid paperwork for example, you could do that. Maybe from a distance with emails, and faxes.

No matter what you do, you will never have the parental love and acceptance that all children deserve, they just do not have it in them. Sort of like blue eyes or color of skin, it just isn't there.

Wrap yourself in Hugs from me and others. We are always available for you. You can always personal message me if you choose to do so. (((Hugs)))
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to MaryKathleen
surprise Feb 26, 2020
MaryKathleen, I can't touch my abusive mthr either. I did try feeding her (Alz 7d) once when she looked particularly pitiful, but I could not directly touch her or her clothes. I totally get it.
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