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My mom is bipolar. Ive been taking care of her since 15. I've had to commit her 3 times. The last time she was given a pasar and sent to live in a nursing home. It was determined to be too dangerous for her to come home. That was very hard because i believed it was my responsibility to care for her but i came to terms with it and she remained in the facility for several years. I couldn't bring myself to take the chance to bring her home as the last two breaks she had were also centered around health issues she couldn't face and so she had almost died. She had also become increasingly violent and unconcerned about the welfare of anything. So if I brought her back knowing it could and very likely would happen again i would be responsible if her or someone else got hurt. I just couldnt do it. But increasingly my mom spoke if it. The next thing i know her brother who had moved back to the state and who had been awful to her my whole life talked her into revoking my dpoa and took her out of the facility. He spent the next 5 years passing her around from sibling to sibling whoever would take care of her. Until collectively they decided they didnt want to do it anymore and one by one they left her alone older and now with several health issues.so she called me and begged me to take care of her again. At first i said no.. after the torment her siblings had inflicted on my family the entire time they had her and after feeling confused and betrayed by her for going with someone who had treated her so badly i just didn't want to do it again. I had given my all and my family had given and suffered but we talked and we couldnt let something happen to her so we stepped back in. Things had been going well.


Weve been working on her medical problems and the mental health is stable and we got her in a nice low income apartment complex for elderly and disabled people. But her mom passed away and they were never close and she says she was never close with her siblings but before she gets old and passes she wants to make every effort to have relationships with her siblings. Now i have tried to look at all of this from her side and i know the nursing facility was a nice place but its not home and it gets scary and i wouldn't want to live there if i was as stable as my mom was. So maybe she just did the only thing she could to get out and from the sounds of the last years she has been basically the butt of jokes and the one cooking and cleaning. Everything else she had to figure out on her own. She seems to truely appreciate everything i did for her and am doing for her. And i have told her i respect her decision to have relationships with these people but i do not want to be part of it. And that my family specifically my boys are to be left out of it . Im there for her and her health. But her heart issues have been worse lately and all of a sudden she is calling this brother after appts and getting his advice. He laughs at her and says hurtful things and makes recommendations about my family and her health and care and she gets upset and calls me and says he said this ,he said that ,we should do this. I cant change him, for that matter any of her siblings. And i cant seem to change her commitment to them but even her homehealth nurse has said how hard it must be for me to be constantly undermined by him. And dealing with all the doubt and confusion he brings her. I dont know what to do. Plus my family is middle class and her siblings have money and power in a small town. He hasnt and as long as im there he wont be involved in her care but he just is at her all the time commenting and poking. My family thinks he just is trying to cause problems between mom and I and get me to leave. Its a good point and at times I have gotten frustrated and asked her if she felt he should take over. She said i was the only one who cared enough to take good care of her. So I just dont get it?

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Looking at things through the lens of a severely mentally ill person is my definition of madness.

Do what makes them safe, cared for, what makes the most sense for the most people, but don't take what she "wants" as what needs to happen.

In other words, take her needs and preferences into ACCOUNT but don't discount reality, the lives and safety of others (especially minor children, if any are involved) and what is reasonable able to be done.
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BlueRose Sep 16, 2019
Hi BarbBrooklyn, thanks for your reply. I just wanted to clarify. After my mom left the facility with her brother i was very worried, scared for my family and confused and hurt that she would even go with someone who had always been so mean to her. Over the next couple of years her siblings verbally attacked my family, spread rumors about my children and caused any problem they could just for fun. So all those emotions i felt when she got out turned to anger. And to try and deal with that anger i needed to understand why she made that choice. In the end my mom was very stable. She was surrounded by others that were very far gone and she was affraid. I can understand as a person that if you were well you wouldnt want to be in that environment. If it were me i would have wanted out. The doctors even said she was a high functioning indivual and when she got stable enough it would be hard to keep her there. So she made the only decision she could and went with him. If i looked at it from a human prospective then the anger was replaced with under standing. And at this time i was no longer careing for her. I assure you i have always made the hard decisions. Thats part of what her brother makes fun of her about now. That i will lock her up again. About all the things that happened when she was sick. And the fact is there is no one else. For all their jokes and interference they dont care about her. Im an only child and my parents divorced years ago my dad remarried and passed away a few years ago. That leaves my family and i. I hope this helps to explain where im coming from a bit better. Its been such a long journey and sometimes to get the issue out there i have to leave out details. But i truely appreciate your opinion.
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I am with Grandma. Your mother is not your lifelong responsiblity. I worry if you have accepted back the POA. I hope you will not. It is time for the chips to fall where they may. Not everything can be fixed. You have done everything humanly possible.
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First, it is not YOUR responsibility to care for your mother and it never should have been.
The apartment she is in is better than her living with you and your family.
the choice you are going to have to make is...where will she live when she can no longer care for herself.
It is difficult to watch people self destruct and this is what happens each time your mom calls her brother. And you are left to pick up the pieces when he (what I would call) mentally abuses her by laughing at her and saying hurtful things. He seems like a little boy that likes to poke at a beehive then run away leaving others to get stung when the bees get riled up.
It is to bad that you can not convince her that she should not have contact with her brother for her own good.
And yours since you are left to pick up the pieces.
I also hope you are talking to someone to help you.
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BlueRose Sep 16, 2019
I kinda wish you were my grandma. You hit the nail right on the head. All the things i think and everything. As for the future, well when the time comes we will be looking into placement somewhere. Its never a pleasant thing but needful. Ive plaaced my mom on three other occasions. The last one even though going in we knew when she got stable was going to be hard to keep her in was supposed to be permanent. It didnt turn out that way. But its so odd after all those years dealing with the mental issues and her running from her medical issues now the tables have turned. Her mental issues are under control, she is with a good councelor and now there are all these medical issues. But she is working really hard on the medical issues. Its also a good way to tell where she is mentally. When she cycles she wont deal with them and wants off medication. But with her age and the current adjusting of meds she has alot of memory issues and confusion. Ive made hard decisions alot and can navigate the medical stuff well but always before it was just me. I mean even my family was just there for support but the responsibility was mine. I always thought her siblings were just thankful that they could go on about their lives and leave me to do it all i never thought they would get older retire move back and try to destroy my life. I just dont know how to handle dealing with them?
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