THEN:
I used to laugh. I was able to see humour in everyday life. When others were unhappy, ungrateful, angry or mad; I was always able to bring some relief and bring a smile. My outlook on life was good. I was a happy person.
NOW:
That person is gone. I cry almost everyday and I cannot see any happiness in my future. I live under a mountain of stress, debt and hurt because of my narcissistic mother who has dementia. I had to take a line of credit to pay HER bills for her & for her couple of rental properties. I had to pay the house & car insurance & monthly bills which are included in tenant rent - .. hydro, insurance, heat, snow removal, yard care, etc. etc. I pay the bills... she gets the rents! She complains that she has no money to live on. I don't know if she really thinks that or it is just her 'regular' lies & manipulation that have gone into overdrive from the dementia.
I cannot access any funds to pay her bills because the doctor won't give a definite diagnosis as my mother (who has some clear & lucid times during the day) constantly threatens a lawsuit. A few weeks back: a health care worker came to her house for a test of her mental capacity - Mom failed miserably. It doesn't matter. In Ontario, Canada - a minimum of 2 tests need to be done and mom won't allow anyone else into her home. She knows what is happening but she doesn't. It makes no sense to me!
I don't think I will/can ever get back to happy. Where is happy? I am stressed out to the max. I tried to walk away- only to have my doctor (we have the same family doc) tell me to go back to my mother as she fell and needed me!!!
I miss being able to smile. I miss being able to see that my life might matter. I am so tired of the abuse. I feel hated, I feel terrible. I feel like giving up!! I don't think I will ever smile again.
I have her P.O.A.'s but I cannot enact them until the doc signs off _ so that is not going to happen.
Therefore, I cannot call anyone or act on her behalf because she does have (and should have … if she is in her right mind) the right to refuse.
Since, her neighbours now get her groceries for her and I had already arranged for her meds to be delivered: things "appear" as if I did the right thing. Yet, there are so many, serious underlying things that are bubbling under the surface.
I have tried to step back and not live there attending to her every whim: but things have gotten even worse.
She doesn't feed her cats if I am not there. I cannot even call animal care as they cannot enter or really do anything about my calls because there is no proof.
She seems unsure about when and what meds to take. So, the drugstore (with her permission) bubble packed her meds. When they delivered them: she gave the poor delivery guy hell! - because she felt that that it was dangerous to any small children that might be in the home (there are none!!!).
I get it! This is the nature of dementia. I am faced with is her constantly calling and degrading me and a lot of people call me : (people that she has spoken to) and God only knows what she has said about me - calling me and disgustedly asking why I am not taking better care of my mother, etc. etc.
It goes on and on.
I just want a little bit of happy back. I really don't think I will ever be allowed to be happy again. I suffer from numerous immune diseases and none of that matters. It is always all about her.
I am sorry to have went on and on. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Learn maybe to meditate,pray and continual to reach out for help. The journey taking care of Mom is not easy.
Do some research toward finding your happiness during while taking care of Mom.
There is a lot of resources out there,for YOU to read and apply to YOUR life. You are important,and what you say and feel matters.
Take a leap of faith. And get what you need to sustain you. Save yourself first!
When my happiness bubbles have shrunk down, this is how I re-inflate them back up (thanks cool Scandinavians);
Friluftsliv (open-air living) getting outside connecting to nature; walking, hiking or just sitting staring at a fire.. &
Hygge (cozy contentment) getting warm and snuggly indoors, a big stack of books, a cuppa & cozying up on the couch under a blanket.
My own ME time - in a woolly hat & woolly socks, or in summer, a seaview & sarong.
Bevel2 "It is always all about her". It doesn't have to be...
What's your lille bitte of ME time today?
I cook dinner every day, I do all the laundry and he changes very frequently
he does wash the dinner dishes doesn’t let me use the dishwasher so when he goes to sleep I rehash them the dishwasher his eyesight is very poor and he misses food stuck to plates
I was also a very happy person, friendly, and outgoing
now I feel very sad I cry a lot and suffer many days from him cursing at me, calling me stupid, and yelling at me often
he is being see at Roskamp Institute in Sarasota he was placed on 20mg of generic Lexapro which helps with his outbursts. I feel all alone since we have no children or siblings
most friends just don’t realize how hard this is for the care giver