Basically she was in a slow decline all those years.. She was a medically complex person--- she had a ton of medical issues. She had been to the hospital 19 times in the past three years. She was in an assisted living, but I went every day to take care of the laundry and all the other things she wanted done or they didn't take care of. I have other family but very little help if any, All their visits were by phone, and they all live here and are able bodied. I will never understand that till the day I die.. The past two months she was really declining and it was finally decided she was to go on hospice. When that word "hospice" was thrown out, everybody and their uncle came to see her. She had met all the people from hospice the week of the 18th and it really sounded very hopeful that they would take good care of her and they were going to start August 25th...Unfortunately, I got a call at 3:15 in the morning August 25 that she had passed ... I had to go back to her facility the 26th of August to start cleaning out the apartment because the end of the month was coming and I refused to pay more money.. It was an incredibly incredibly hard thing to do. I cried and cried. So basically, my world has completely flipped upside down now. I am having such a hard time.. She was my best friend, my person... She was pure, sweet, selfless, kind.. Everyone loved her. I have huge waves of grief that about consume me. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I sometimes think I'm in a bad dream and I will wake up and it hasn't happened. I put myself in counseling but have only been once so far. I lost my dad 14 years ago but I still had her.. So this loss I guess is so so painful. I am struggling here. I am by no means young myself...I gave up tons of my life to help her and I realize the clock is ticking but simply don't give a s--t about anything.. I am married but my husband is the kind of guy that would say " this is just the cycle of life".. He is very stoic.. I am not.. I don't feel like I will ever get over this..
The difference? The talk therapist will have you in her/his office for ions ruminating on how much you gave up, how everyone else was so wanting in refusing help, and it will have you remaining on a burning funeral pyre long after your loved one has gone on. A cognitive therapist will assist you in putting aside habitual ways of allowing your mind to meander on the "dark side". Will point out other paths, will encourage your taking control of your life and your happiness for your own sake and the sake of your husband.
I wish you the best. It is very frightening to leave habitual ways of thinking that are self-harming, because whatever harm and unhappiness they bring us they represent the "known" and there's nothing so scary as the unknown. This is hard work; pat your own back for choosing to do it. Wishing you the very best of luck.
You definitely need some grief counseling, whether it be the free counseling that hospice offers for 13 months, or finding a local Grief Share group that is also free.
Grieving is different for everyone, and there is no time limit on it, so be kind to yourself and take all the time you need.
And..."Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."
May God grant you His comfort and peace as now work on getting your life back and in making it all that He has in store for you.
God bless you.
It really does help to have someone on board whose main job is to walk survivors out of the valley of the shadow. People who have seen it all.