I want to resign as Power of Attorney. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I want to resign as Power of Attorney. Any advice?


I no longer want to be my dad's power of attorney. I never asked to be put in that position, and it has been nothing but a thankless job that has separated me from my siblings and has taken valuable time away from my own family.

I feel like I have been taken advantage of by my siblings and the rest of my family, and am the only one that seems to give a damn about what happens to my dad, good or bad.

I have 4 living siblings, 2 live within 5 miles of me and my dad, and one that lives about 150 miles away and another that lives in California. Every since my mom died last February, it was revealed to all the living siblings that myself and my brother that lives in town are the named Power of Attorneys for my dad. Since that time, the 3 other siblings have shown jealousy, anger, and resentment toward me. They refuse to help my dad and complain that I'm doing everything to suit myself and not them or my dad. When I ask for help with him, the answer is that they're too busy and live out of town so there's nothing they can do.

Well, I'm done. I have my own family to take care of. I feel horrible for my dad, but I can't continue to care for him on my own.

I live in Colorado and need to know what I can do to resign myself from this position.

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Kittykat - I had a laugh at your A - C options! For my brother you would need to add "D. All of the above". But yeah, you hit the nail on head for me. Okay - here's the thing - and believe me, I know this cause my brother and I suffer from the same misconception. Somehow you and I and my brother and some or all of your sibling came to misunderstand "Power of Attorney" to mean "primary/sole care provider". When my brother found out my parents chose me as DPOA it absolved him of any duty, responsiblity, care - for that matter beside the singular function of a visit every now and then. And I have one brother that doesn't even do that. The one brother offered to take over the "administrative" DPOA functions - but wanted me to continue all the grunt work. Okay - HELLO! That's what POA is - acting for that person in banking, bill paying, signing contracts etc. NOT acting for that person in buying Depends, driving to the doctors, changing dirty pull-ups. Let's face it you and I would probably be doing the grunt work POA or not. I have found that the grunt work is 100x easier when you have the authority of being POA. I mean, I don't want to be the one buying the Depends and then having to ask my brother for the money to do so, do you? So - it is what it is. The trick I am finding - and learning, is how to do what we do without it eclipsing everything else in our lives!
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Unless you are prepared to close your eyes and hum a happy tune while ignoring his obvious discomfort you will still have to help your dad change his Depends when he visits whether you have poa or not. You seem to feel that by resigning your sibs will automatically step in to fill the void. I really doubt that will happen, they don't want the job, they just want to criticize from the sidelines.
If you give up the poa you are giving up the power to direct his care as you see fit, can you imagine having to go begging to one of your sibs to spend his money to buy those Depends?
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@pamstegma @NYDaughterInLaw @Rainmom - thank you all for your responses. Since writing my question earlier, I've gone back and forth on what''s the right thing to do regarding my dad's care. I love him very much and care deeply for him. I just get to a blowing point, and these points are getting closer and closer together. Trust me, I never show or take out any anger on my dad, I would never do that. My anger and resentment is towards my absent siblings. I think the holidays are bringing things to a head for me because none will advise me of their plans to visit dad. And I don't know why, if they do think, the position of POA, is a coveted. I can only think their hiding, absenteeism, jealousy or whatever it is, is because a) they want control of all the decision making w/ no responsibility; b) they think my parents were showing favoritism toward me; or c) they think they can do a better job than me.

I like all of your suggestions and am feeling so much better knowing there are options out there, and that I'm not trapped and unappreciated. I've decided my siblings, although from the same womb, are inconsiderate and self-absorbed people. My sibling in CA, recently posted about a $1,000 bottle of wine, and her two-week wine trip; needless to say, she hasn't been to see our dad since last spring because she can't afford to stay in a hotel and rent a car while she's here. She won't stay at my house because she doesn't like my dogs...ugh, see here I go again. By thinking of these things, I get so damn mad.

At any rate, my feelings are so scrambled because I feel bad for my dad, yet, I'm angry toward my siblings for either not helping at all, or refusing to provide any kind of financial support. What's more, I want to spare any dignity that may be left for my dad by not having to change his Depends every time he visits my home or I take him out to dinner. It's getting harder and harder. I could go on and on, but it only depresses me more.

I want to make someone else responsible for my dad, I don't want to do it alone any longer. 😢
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Kittykat - I've been thinking about your question - not the specifics but in a personal abstract kind of way. Since I read your question NYDaughter posted and it cinched it for me. I know how you feel, Kittykat! I am DPOA for my mother - a very difficult woman. I've been doing it for five years - I hate, hate, hate it! In the past four months alone I've wanted to chuck it at least 1/2 a dozen times. I won't bore you with the details but this has consumed my life and made me miserable. One brother breaths down my neck, the other doesn't help at all but is supportive of any decision I make. It took a while but I have my mothers affairs running smoothly and if it weren't for mom herself, things would actually be pretty easy. Yet I haven't had a vacation in five years - I tried to go to the beach in September for three days and got four phone calls needing my attention regarding my mom. So, you get the picture. I started to think - if strangers can do this job, i.e. court appointed guardians, then I should be able to do it with a little more detachment. What would really change if I resigned? I would still be the one carrying my mothers load - her manipulative crap. I need to change my relationship with her - not her bills or bank accounts, although her doctors could still be tough but that is in direct relation to how far I let her suck me in. Sooo, I've decided to back off a little, less visits every week, less picking up the phone, just less! If my meddling brother doesn't like it, then he can have it - all of it.
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I don't understand how that is going to change anything except your father being left helpless at a time when he asked for help from you. Are your siblings going to step up if you resign? Probably not. You don't need your siblings' permission to do anything. Your father is the one whose interests you are working to protect, not your siblings. As POA you answer to your father, not your siblings. Before resigning I would change the dynamic. I understand that POA is a huge amount of work but your siblings are being completely unfair to you. If a sibling thinks s/he can do a better job, ask them to take over. I bet you s/he will decline! If so, then you can disregard all future protestations and continue doing what you think is best.
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I'm assuming your father signed for you to be POA. If this was something in Mom's Will, it is totally invalid. You send a written refusal to the person who appointed you and to the other POA.
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