My sister and I don't talk. Our active, 83-year-old mom, who lives alone, has stage 3 or 4 Alzheimer's. Her moods fluctuate dramatically, and she can yell and yell, nonstop, due to her wanting total control. She complains all the time to me about pain, things not working, how we don't spend quality time together. (I live 25 minutes away up a very windy, dangerous mountain road & take my mom shopping, to her appointments, manage her finances, etc...) and "sister" does nothing nor hears any of Mom's complaints--even though both my sister's kids are away at university. She & her physicist husband do better financially than my boyfriend and me, but she doesn't contribute at all.
Mom lost her license last year and refuses a caregiver, refuses to use Lyft or Uber, and does some pretty dangerous things, like climbing up a ladder onto the roof to hose/clean leaves and cut tall trees, walking home from the market at night & accepting rides from strangers, and she had a toaster fire this week. In 2018, her stove caught fire, and the whole house had to be restored. She is obsessive & goes into neighbors' patio areas to garden and clean in her condo complex in her general vicinity. I'm sure her neighbors know her as "the crazy old lady", as she hoses outside with reclaimed water almost daily.
We don't have money for a memory care facility, which are $7,000/month here. She'd go into deep depression in there anyway and likely try to end it. She does know what's going on in general. But I'm losing my mind. Plus, I have an E4 & E3 allele and feel memory problems coming on in myself--age 59. No one can help me. I'm SO depressed, hopeless, and have lost my will to even live. My boyfriend has lost his happy, fun "wife".
I can just write to my sister that on such and such a date, I will be relinquishing POA, & have it notarized; but I doubt my sister will be able or willing. It's only going to get worse as the disease progresses. Right now my mom takes several meds, which she seems to have organized. But she doesn't remember so much and will argue with me about almost everything.
Anyway, as you can see, I'm not cut out for this abuse. I have autoimmune diseases, including ulcerative colitis and fibromyalgia, I never feel good, I never have energy, and I'm just trying to help myself get through each day and try to find some joy. I know that sounds selfish, but it really is too much for me anymore. My mom's Social Security is too high ($3,000/mo.) to receive assistance, and there's no way to deal with this situation. I'm at a loss. I welcome any advise that does not require oodles of cash!
You need to frame your issues differently. You and your sister are both entitled to stop doing all or any of this work. Where does that leave your mother? If she is ‘legally competent’, you cannot force her out of her house (with or without a POA). She is entitled to live the way she wants, including climbing ladders, falling and breaking her neck. Your problem is letting her do it, without feeling that it’s your fault. It’s not.
My suggestion would be to talk to your sister about your wish to stop doing the ‘care’ work, not the ‘POA’. Don’t suggest that she ought to pick up the slack – that’s her choice. You both need to know what’s happening, and likely to happen, and be prepared for it. Particularly if M breaks a leg rather than her neck. This is yet another situation where things have to get worse before it’s possible to intervene. The issue for you and your sister is to let it get worse, and to have an agreed plan for the future.
Financial and Medical POAs are tools. Being POA does not mean you need to do the physical caring or be at the persons beck and call. You can farm out all that responsibility to others. Her care is too much for you...then you place her. Apply for Medicaid for Long-term care. If she has any assets, enough to place her for 2 or 3 months or more, place her in a Medicaid facility and apply for Medicaid 90 days before the money runs out. If no money, apply for Medicaid and work with a facility to place her when Medicaid approves her application. Looks like you have good back up to declare her incompetent.
Your having memory problems because of stress. Believe me the weight will be lifted right off your shoulders when u have her placed. In LTC all her needs are met. They feed her, bathe her, entertain herb, supply her toiletries and depends. Out of her SS they place money in a Personal needs acct. In my state its $50 a month. This can be used for a haircut, snacks, clothing. My Moms just sat there accumulating so if she needed clothing, the money would be there. Other than maybe buying her clothing all you need do is visit when you want.
Her house is an exempt asset until she passes. As POA you can sell it, but it needs to be sold at Market Value. The proceeds will need to be set aside for her care. Medicaid stops, you spenddown, then Medicaid starts up again. Your stress levels should come down. I let the NH become Moms payee for SS and her pension. Saved me having to write a check monthly.
I can understand your resentment. This happens when you give too much. Step 1 is seeing this. Looking at the picture & deciding it's time to reassess.
Step 2 is deciding what you will do about it.
You may feel trapped at present, but like any job or role, you can quit or negotiate a change of duties/hours.
Is this what you want? To quit 100%? Be involved in a reduced way? To step back now & step back in as a *daughter* once Mom is re-homed?
Mom is not your Boss.
You get to decide for yourself.
You can quit.
You can quit the POA too (as Alva described).
What you can't do is insist or force your sister to take over. She gets to decide for herself too.
I hope some of the replies give you some different perspectives.
It's really good you are reassessing. I hope the future pathway becomes clear soon.
A) get letters from your MD saying that in his opinion you are impaired now mentally and physically to the extent that you cannot continue in the Fiduciary Role of POA.
B) Notify your sister that this is coming, so that she can refuse it if she wishes and can turn over your Mom's fiduciary care to a paid Fiduciary who works for the courts of your state. This would mean state guardianship or the help of another person who DOES wish to work as POA even if engaging a paid Certified and Licensed Fiduciary to manage care. Gather all papers you have to hand over to the Sister of the Fiduciary.
C) see an attorney (elder care is fine, or general attorney, or the one who drew up the POA papers) and write a resignation letter, attaching the proofs that you cannot continue in this work. Copies go to your Mom, to your Sister, to ALL ENTITIES with which you are registered to do this care, banks, phone companies, bill paying companies and etc. Include the name of the new POA (sister). It is then on her to do next move. She can hire a fiduciary to help and do the work (the parent's funds pay for the fiduciary), or choose not to serve. Then your parent, if still capable chooses another or hires her own Certified Licensed Fiduciary.
I think it is important for your health to get out of this. If you die of the stress or are disabled, what kind of support of ANY kind could you be.
I wish you the very very best. You have not only auto immune disease, but serious disability from them. You should not sacrifice your life on this altar. Your parents have had their lives. You have a right to preserve your own.
This is speculation. You state that you have lost the will to live. I'm so sorry for you, but I suspect that you are projecting your feelings onto mom as a coping mechanism. It happens.
You need help. Mom needs help. You can't do this anymore. Mom needs to be somewhere that she can be cared for 24/7. And you are not selfish to take care of yourself first. You deserve a chance to get back to a life that you find worth living.
Your POA status allows you to sell mom's belongings, including any real estate that she owns (the condo?). If she owns the condo and you move her to care, you could rent the condo to pay for the care. Her car, if she owns one, needs to go because with the behavior you describe, she most likely shouldn't be driving now. Take an inventory and find out how much money is available. Jewelry? Antiques? Long-term care policy? A pension? Did your dad have one that she should be getting? Investments? Savings accounts?
Find out what facilities could help her. Large? Small group home? Don't rule anything out until you've investigated. I don't think your mother is going to be depressed going into a new situation, but the indication is that you might be. That's your issue, but she could be way better off with the care she gets and the friends and activities there.
You should consult an attorney about the POA. Communications with sister can be through attorney only. She may surprise you and step up to the plate once you're clear that you won't be taking care of mom anymore. And if she doesn't, attorney may have suggestions.
I hope your health issues abate and that taking positive action toward a goal of a better life will start you back to normal. It's a shame that you're going through this, but don't despair - you can get out. You just need to give yourself permission to do it. Then follow through.
I would go to www.nelf.org and find a Certified Elder Law Attorney to help mom navigate this process. She would pay for this service.
Your mom needs what is called a needs assessment, her doctor should be able to provide this, as long as they know everything that is going on, like house fires. This will help you know what type of facility you need to look into. Maybe a board and care is a better option for her level of disease.
I understand that you believe she will die in one of those places but, she isn't safe now and could kill others by starting another house fire.
There are good facilities out there, you just have to look and be willing to move her if the one you chose isn't right.
Try to find a senior placement specialist or 2 to help you find a facility. This is a free service to you and mom, the facility pays them.
As her POA you are not responsible to be her personal servant, it just gives you the authority to act on her behalf. You can use her money to set up services for her, you can tell her no, you can stop answering every call, you can step back and let a crisis occur that forces change. You have choices and dancing to her demented brain should not be one of them you even consider.
I would not resign as POA, your sister has shown you what she is willing to do and that is okay, she doesn't have to be mom's personal servant anymore then you do, maybe take some pointers from her. You want to have the ability to legally advocate for your mom, without that, it is harder then it has to be, believe me, I am living that challenge right now.
I would totally disengage for a week, make sure she has food, rides for appointments, if needed, and block her number. Breathe, call attorneys, check into services that she can buy to replace you, then tell her what is going to happen moving forward. She doesn't have to like it but, she lives with it or you back off and let the crisis happen and move forward from there.
It is okay for you to walk away completely if you feel that is your only choice besides being at her beck and call. She doesn't have the right to take you out with her, unless you give her that right.
Great big warm hug! This is not easy.
I do think many are (wrongly) under an impression a POA must be a personal assistant.
Or even that we must become our parents' servants...
"You want to have the ability to legally advocate".
Agree. Moving from 'assistant' to 'advocate' is a big adjustment but worthy.
No it isn't easy!
A good guardian will even consider if the facility distance is a burden to her family and may move her if there is space in another place. When she passes the guardian will release an accounting of how her funds/assets were spent to the family, and ask where you want her cremains to go. If she created a Will and there are any funds/assets/possessions left, it will be distributed accordingly and legally.
I'm going into detail in case you wish to copy/paste this info to send to your sister so that she can't ever claim ignorance once she wakes up to see things happening that she dislikes. It will be too late once guardianship occurs.
I wish you much wisdom and clarity as you work through to a "least bad option" for this situation, and eventually peace in your heart, as well as better health.
What actually needs to happen is you need to take mom (she pays) to an elder law attorney who can mom get qualified for Medicaid and instruct you on the process for getting mom into Long Term Care.
You don't sound selfish. You sound like you are acting in the interests of your own health.
Sometimes when elders won't acknowledge that they need help, the ONLY solution is to step away, stop enabling their charade of "independence" and let them fall/fail. I would encourage the neighbors to report her to APS.