My mother‘s husband who is not legally my stepfather is in a nursing home. He has dementia although it doesn’t affect him too badly but social services have deemed him not to have mental capacity and they have control of his affairs and finances. When he is ill, he becomes aggressive and sometimes violent. He lived with his daughters for awhile and the police had to be called a couple of times because of his actions.My problem is, even though he has three daughters who literally live less than five minutes from his nursing home, I am often the only person who visits. Me and him have never been particularly close. His relationship with my mother was volatile and at times violent and although we have a relationship and I do care for him, he’s never been a father figure.he is a very demanding man when he is well and very challenging when he is not. dementia made him accuse his daughter of sleeping with her own son! I worked with the elderly when I was young and I can handle this, but what I can’t handle is him treating me badly if I don’t visit as much as he thinks I should, or answer the phone to him constantly. I don’t want to visit him at all. I’m 60 next year and when my Mum died almost 6 years ago I was finally free from a toxic painful relationship. For the first year he was in the home I visited twice a week. For the last six months I cut it down to once a week, and now I’m going every 10 days. But I can literally visit him until 5 pm And then he will call at 8 pm later that evening. When I have answered the phone he has only rung to complain about silly things like he’s got no water. Other times he has claimed to have fallen and been unable to reach his alarm cord. When I phoned the home and asked them to check on him, they invariably tell me he’s fine. things have come to head now because I visited last week with one of his daughters who hasn’t been in months. as I walked in he was angry with me that I hadn’t answered the phone to him two days previously. I told him I was having a kip, which I was, and he basically called me a liar. This has happened before. When he acts this way itjust triggers all of the old feelings of resentment. I ask myself why I feel like I have to visit him and it boils down to guilt. I have huge sympathy for him that his 3 coke addict daughters who have basically robbed him of every penny of his pension, don’t bother with him at all. Only one of them works so he has two children less than five minutes away who maybe visit once a month. The one who has job doesn’t come for months on end. I have three half sisters and two sisters. My two sisters have the good fortune to not live close by and they cannot visit. Neither of them phone him, and he never attempts to phone them.Out of all of my sisters, I am the only one that has other caring responsibilities. My husband is an only child and sole care giver for his 88-year-old father. My husband has to go and get him up every morning, give him his breakfast, hang around till lunchtime to give him his lunch. He has Home help come in at teatime to feed his last meal. I’ve begged my husband to tell his father he needs to employ more help but my husband Also feels like he’ll be letting his father down if he did that. The main problem is my stepfather’s other children. I could back off without feeling guilty if I knew they were there for him. They are so selfish and detached that social services resorted to calling me every time they needed to discuss my stepfathers care because they couldn’t even get my sisters to answer the phone! the hospital even had to phone me to get permission to arrange to put him into care initially. I explained I have no legal relationship with him but they couldn’t get hold of his daughters either. I’m sorry to talk so much. I already know what I need to do, I just want someone to tell me its okay to set myself free.
I would tell the other daughters you won’t be doing this any longer so that they know no one is there. Maybe someone will step up to the plate but probably not.
Don't feel guilty about it. People reap what they sow in life. If your past relationship with him was better, you might have felt differently about disengaging.
Wishing you all the best.
Anyone who was violent to my mom or me would not be worth my time.
Anyway, we are where we are. He's obviously not grateful for my support so for that reason alone, I need to stop.
Thanks
Respectfully, I think you would benefit greatly from some therapy so that you can identify and defend boundaries. You are at the beck-and-call of a total jerk. Why? You don't feel guilty, you feel sad for his pathetic life -- but you didn't cause his problems and, as you have experienced, you can't fix them. No amount of visiting him or pandering to him makes him happy. You aren't responsible for his happiness anyway.
Tell social services that you are no longer his contact, then block them. Stop visiting him. Block him on your phone and move on with your life.
My MIL was married to a total jerk. They lived near us. He was such a jerk that he had no friends and his own sons chose to be estranged from him (plus they lived out of state). When he and my MIL started to become old and infimed, I was the one who helped them every day for 1-1/2 years inspite of working full time in our family business and raising my 3 school-aged sons.
My inlaws not only were broke but their house was in foreclosure and they owed thousands on credit cards, inspite of having 2 inheritances. SFIL thought I was going to be his carer and retirement plan. He had Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia. I helped them because I felt terrible for my naive MIL and I wanted to set a good example in front of my kids, who also were involved in helping them. The minute my SFIL became a ward of the county and was transitioned into a very awful Medicaid facility, I stopped visiting him. End of chapter.
He got the retirement he planned for. He borrowed money from everyone and never paid them back. He never really had a job -- he was a ne're-do-well and total phony. He was visited by the people he treated with love and respect (no one). He used his wife to manipulate us into helping him, but I chose to help him to a certain point and then I cut the cord completely. I don't feel guilty at all, and neither should you.
I do sympathise with your situation and I admire your strength.
I suppose I need to remember my one hour a week visit isn't actually doing much to improve his life anyway and is causing more stress than it's worth?
It's ok to detach.
It's ok to not answer your phone.
It's ok to block his number.
It's ok to tell the facility no, you're not going to make decisions about his care.
It's ok to not explain the reason for your "no's".
The reason everyone keeps reaching out to you is because you keep responding. So stop responding.
Really, the best thing you probably can do for yourself is stop answering your phone, let the calls go to VM and delete them without listening. If the callers get too persistent, block the numbers. They'll get the hint eventually.
I do agree though. It's just hard to make myself become the kind of person who can't spend an hour a week to visit an old man in a home. If I judge others for it, then I guess it's only natural I judge myself too? I'm just gonna have to get comfortable with that feeling I think.
Thanks for your reply.
There are a few things to think about here. "He has dementia although it doesn’t affect him too badly…." but then you go on to say:
*Social services have deemed him not to have mental capacity and they have control of his affairs and finances.
*He becomes aggressive and sometimes violent.
*The police had to be called a couple of times because of his actions.
*Dementia made him accuse his daughter of sleeping with her own son!
Dementia most certainly does affect him too badly! And I'm even ignoring that he was violent with your mom. Good grief, how much more would he have to do to convince you that this is full-blown dementia in a man who has treated multiple people violently, and no one deserves to be around that. Especially you. You've done enough to help a sick man, he's in a nursing home where he is being cared for according to his needs, and you can take a permanent holiday from all of it.
I wave my magic wand - WHEEE! - and you're liberated. Now go dance a jig down at the corner pub.
Thank you
You tell the facility and Social Worker to get rid of your number. You block him and anyone else u don't want to hear from. You are not his daughter, he has 5 bio daughters. Its time they step up to the plate or not. This is what happens to miserable people. People do jot want to be around them.
You need to feel good enough about yourself to detach, as you call it.
A therapist can support you to deal with complex life-long feelings and patterns of behavior. Until you are aware of them, you cannot change them.
As long as you and/or your husband feel you are 'letting him down,' then the pattern (thoughts and behavior) will continue.
Only you can make these changes.
You have to decide and set your own boundaries.
It starts with self respect and self love.
I know it is not that 'clear cut' although it is a major, essential, starting place.
As you say you know what to do. If that is true, why haven't you done it?
Why are you 'waiting' for an/other/s to tell you its okay?
Because you do not feel okay about yourself... Nothing will change until you decide you want to change - and then do it. Step by step. Make a plan and stuck to it. Your husband will do what he wants. Take care of you/r self.
Gena / Touch Matters
My problem with this situation is I see the person behind the behaviour. I was put into care myself as a teenager because mum had abandoned us when I was 8, and my dad raised me. He himself was a black man born in Canada in 1920 and raised in a poor farm because his mother died. You can imagine how he thought food, warmth and safety were all little girls needed. Nurturing wasn't even a factor. So, when my teen years hit I got into trouble. I stole, lied, smoked, etc. Dad's strict religious beliefs meant we had no xmas or b'days, so I felt particularly deprived, especially as I had no mum either. Underneath all of that bad behaviour was a desperately lonely little girl.
I see my stepfather's behaviour and knowing the childhood he had, plus the fact women have enabled him his whole life, I ask myself how he would know better than to act this way? Someone needed to put their foot down with him in his early 20s, not his late 80s.Every woman he has ever met has indulged him and he basically never stopped being a selfish little boy. He does care about me though and when he isn't being challenging, he showers me with praise about how wonderful I am and how he wishes I was his daughter. He isn't particularly clever so I don't think he is consciously manipulating me, but that is the result.
I only go into such detail here because I don't want anyone to think I am a submissive doormat who is unable to defend herself. It's what I know of him and the behaviour of his kids that makes it hard for me to just abandon him I guess. Thank you so much though for your reply.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Your stepfather has people acting in his behalf (the state, basically) and he is in care.
Your continuing in this manner is self harming. I think you would be better to consult a good in-person cognitive therapist than a forum of strangers if you've been unable to grasp any of the facts above on your own.
You deserve a life without him; whether you accept that life and embrace happiness is truly entirely up to you. It is your own choice. I wish you good decision making and much happiness in the future. My very best to you. That this abusive man's actions haven't destroyed YOUR life, as well as it has his own daughter's truly is out of your control, and is their business.
And yes, as Geaton says, if we are the arbiters, permission is granted.
My emotionally damaged and abusive mother cast me in the role of family caretaker and it is one I find hard to shift...especially with sisters who have developed learned helplessness (because they knew they could rely on me to fix things).
I agree. That has to change.
Check out Rick Hanson, Ph.D., brain scientist and buddhist scholar Wed nites-6pm Zoom.
It just isn't fair that some of us - way too many of us - at at the mercy of unavailable parenting (for whatever reasons) and spend our life time undoing - redoing, processing through to get to the other side.
It is a lifetime commitment.
What I think of over the years is how much more difficult others have had and get through it (Oprah Winfrey for one).
One technique or process that has helped me shift is learning to feel compassion for the 'offender' / 'abuser'. So often they are passing along what happened to them ... the same patterns due to lack of awareness and/or mental instability. Whatever the situation, everyone does the best they can otherwise they would do different. Someone have to break that chain of destruction and teach (ourselves and) others that being loving and kind to another human being spreads all over - our friends, family, neighbors, grocery store clerks.
Feeling compassion for an/other/s and understanding their pain puts it in a perspective that supports us to heal - by forgiving others, and ourselves, so we can move through and on. As is said, there is no way out but through.
While writing this, I am reminded of learning (perhaps in my 20s - I don't remember) that my dad used to drown cats (or a cat) when he was a kid 'for fun.' Worse or equally worse is him telling me this. He was abused (physically) and left home at 13 or so (from what I recall).
He ended up on a ship and eventually became a Merchant Marine Captain.
As an 8-9 year old, I remember him studying 8-10 hours a day for his Captain's license.
I don't recall him ever giving me a hug. Certainly, I am not alone (like your experience to a degree.)
The challenge often here is that as an adult child, we are charged with caring for our elder parent, the abuser or psychologically triggering (as you are sharing).
I am a major proponent of knowing it is OKAY to release this self-imposed responsibility if circumstances deem it necessary for our own self preservation and healing.
Thank you so very much for sharing your life story as you have. It will help so many here. We are all here to support each other, even if at times it doesn't feel like it due to differing opinions. And, that is okay. I'm often in the line of fire and I accept that. Gena
My mum did some awful things. To paraphrase a poem I read recently - her father often came out of her mouth and sometimes her fists. She was never likely to choose healthy partners, and I include my own father in that because of his background.
So, as you said, we often find ourselves having to care for our abusers.
I find it so hard to disengage. In the aftermath of an episode I am vowing that he can get lost and he will never see me again. By the time I have vented (and this forum was a Godsend for that so thank you all) I feel lighter and sure I can tolerate something that I know only has an impact on my mental health because I allow it to.
Thank you again for taking the time to help. It is appreciated.