I was overwhelmed and going down physically and mentally. Because of the disease, he was verbally abusive, wouldn’t listen and kept falling. I was thankful to have found a m/c facility I thought he’d be happy in. Daily he tells me he’s in jail and to come get him and there’s nothing wrong with him; when is he going home etc. He can be very believable on the phone and calls people that I “put him “away” and they should pick him up. I was told by a person that works for us “I had a great conversation” with my LO. I think I’m just venting and lonely and doubting myself and feeling guilty. But I know I couldn’t care for him and keep him safe. How do I get there mentally?

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The people he is calling are likely not liking it. If they know that he’s in MC, they know that he’s not well. Why do they accept his calls? If they enjoy talking with him, that’s fine, but I’d make sure they know that he is not well. If you weren’t able to care for him in the home, it’s understandable. That is a very common thing. And, you did the right thing by placing him somewhere that could provide him the care he needed. I did the same for my LO at a certain point and I was relieved and quite proud of it. I searched, toured, interviewed and found a jewel of a place that has taken great care of her. When you do your best from a place of love, that should bring you peace. If someone is saying otherwise, I’d avoid them. Ignorant people who aren’t familiar with dementia have zero right to judge others who are on the frontlines with it.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
Cflipping Jul 14, 2020
Another vote for take his phone away. I realize this may feel difficult but it's just not helping him or you. Take away his phone book that contains the numbers of others. He is putting them in an unpleasant situation and they don't know all the facts. Make sure the facility knows to not let him call you for 2 weeks and that you're his durable PoA (I'm assuming) and that no one is to come get him for any reason without your expressed permission. We had to do this with my MIL when she first went into LTC. Her short-term memory was so bad, and she was lonely and bored she just kept calling everyone in her phone book. They were telling us and that's the only way we knew. We were eventually able to give her a phone in her room (in LTC, not MC) and the only number in her long-term memory is our landline so we keep it. I'm so sorry for this emotional distress. I wish I could wave a wand and make it go away for everyone. May you gain peace in your heart that you are doing everything right. Go and pamper yourself today -- I'm certain you deserve (and need) it!
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Reply to Geaton777

Ellen's answers are all good; especially taking the phone. It's like being bullied on social media - if you aren't on it, or don't read it, it doesn't hurt.
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Reply to MichaelEzekiel

Take his phone away!  The facility should be limiting his contact with others so that he can transition and accept this as a safe place.  Limit your contact with him.  Some places ask for no contact for 2 weeks for the adjustment period.  Deflect his requests to go home.  He is not going to get better and the person you married is fading away.  When he starts the wanting to go home conversation and you cannot move him off it, its time to hang up or leave.  You know that you cannot care for him safely at home and that he is in a better environment for his needs.   Ask the facility if they know of a support group for you and go.
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Reply to EllensOnly

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