I think our family made a mistake putting my dad in a nursing home. Advice?

Can your mom move into the nursing home with him and have a private room, or studio, for the two of them? My grandparents did that. They had no cognitive issues, just physical. I have known many other couples who shared nursing home and/or assisted living places together.

I go for a poll if it concerns whether to keep a house or not.

I say not. I so wish after Dad died I had talked to Mom about moving into an apt. There were Church members living there and not 5 min from my house. She had a convenience store she could walk to. But no, she wanted to stay in a house built in 1893 that had seen better days. They didn't have the money to keep it up when they married, Dad went on disability at 52 and Mom was his Caregiver. So even after kids were gone, there was no extra money. Dad died, definitely no xtra money. So it just slowly died. Her 1700 a month went into high heat bills and high taxes, hiring someone to mow the large lawn. $500 of that a month went to property taxes. But, she made it. She was good at budgeting. Then she had to come live with me. If she had moved into an apt 8 yrs earlier, all I would have had to do was clean it out. No, I had a Albatross to get rid of. All her SS went into the upkeep on that house. When she went on Medicaid, I let the taxes go. Turned the heat to 55 and had one lamp go on and off at certain times. I was now paying out of pocket. It took me 4 yrs to sell the house. I got just enough to pay back taxes, my OP, and Medicaid off. In the end I literally lost the house. I will not do this to my girls.

Really, if Mom and Dad stayed in their home who would be cleaning it. Who would be mowing the lawn, keeping up the yard? Not Mom and Dad. You would be taking your time to make it possible for them to stay put. Then they can do less and less so you continue to enable them. Now most of your spare time goes to trying to keep Mom and Dad in their home and you have no time for yourself. This may work if all the siblings are willing to put it their time but that is rare. If Mom and Dad can no longer do for themselves, then they need to go somewhere where they can or have help.

There was a post a few days ago. Parent wants to go back to a home where the bathroom is upstairs and they don't do stairs well. Really? That parent can no longer live in a house where there is not a bathroom on the ground floor. That should be logical to a parent that still has cognitive ability. I think there needs to be more commercials telling our Seniors when its time to check out IL and AL living. Not showing reversed mortgages and the ability to have aides in your home. Sometimes these options are not practical for certain situations.

I understand how u feel about Dad but if you let him go home, it seems the responsibility will fall,on you since rest of the siblings don't agree. Seems Mom doesn't either. She may not want aides in and ou of her home. I think Mom is the one who should make this decision.

The problem is advanced old age. Not selling the house or moving into Independent Living or placing dad in a Nursing Home where he'll get all the help he requires that your mom cannot provide him at her age. Moving him back in with your mother will ruin HER life and put such a stress on her that she won't be able to manage him. I've seen it with my own folks, and that's while they were living in an ALF! My mother felt like it was 'her duty' to care for dad and not the caregivers, so she'd be trying to pick him up when he fell and change his Depends, etc., to the point where she was falling apart herself, all the while crying & carrying on about the misery she was suffering!! It was a giant mess b/c she (and he) refused to pull the cord and ask for help.

I had a very ugly visit with my own mother yesterday who now lives in Memory Care Assisted Living but feels she 'doesn't belong there' with moderately advanced dementia, CHF, and wheelchair bound with about 12 other issues too numerous to mention. She does belong there, she just won't admit it. What she wants, in reality, is to be 60 again and in robust health where she can have parties and speed walk around the neighborhood she used to live in in Florida. She doesn't want to be 94 with more issues than Newsweek and wearing Depends. It all makes her angry & miserable and lashing out at the only person who has been doing everything for her for the past 10 years she's been living 4 miles away from me. In reality, she'd be the same miserable, lashing-out person no matter WHERE she lived b/c she's 94 and in pain & full of self pity. That won't change no matter where she lives or who is caring for her!

It's sad and it's difficult for all concerned but it's what advanced old age and infirmity looks like. You can't fix it by lamenting the fact that you sold your parents' home. If you hadn't, an emergency would have cropped up to force a fire sale under duress. Bad things happen to old people; they fall (my mother has fallen 74x since she's been in Assisted Living since 2015), they get pneumonia (3x for mom), they require rehab, and about 100 other unpleasantries that go with the territory.

The best thing you can do is to visit dad as often as possible right where he's at now. Bring mom along. Take small gifts & treats. Take him out to lunch if that's possible and if not, take a nice lunch to him at the SNF. Let them keep working with him and helping him live his best life where the facility is equipped to accommodate his needs. Call him often to remind him you love him. Don't second guess yourself or make things even worse by moving your father back in with your mother & creating a crisis situation for BOTH of them!

Wishing you the best of luck finding acceptance with what is going on now with your folks.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-dad-is-not-happy-at-the-nursing-home-he-wants-to-come-home-how-can-i-help-him-467789.htm

Read your other post. Dad is 89 and Mom is 91. There is no way Mom can care for Dad. Not even sure if an AL will take him because of the transferring if it takes two people. Mom can be with him in an AL and it may be cheaper than having aides come in. People outgrow ILs. And you don't need an aide living with you. You can have 8 hr shifts. But I really don't recommend that.

I wonder if it would be helpful to you to do an informal poll of how many of us “held onto the house” and also how many attempts to return after hospitalization were ultimately successful?

I’ve done it twice, and in neither case did it benefit anyone.

Both houses were old OLD family homes with tons of history, but neither were in any way suitable for habitation by fragile or wheelchair bound LOs.

We had the money to change EACH to be more habitable, but after waiting, paying taxes, maintaining through winter storms, weighing the zoning rules and time constraints, it wound up proving impossible.

Have you access to an Assisted Living that might serve better as a care residence? There have been a few cases of couples living together in suites at my LO’s facility who seem to do pretty well. It’s not “just like home” but when you can be with your life mate, that can be the most important thing there is- not the house, but the kiss goodnight.

Very carefully, I will suggest to you that while “going home” is probably not feasible for anyone, you may be able to do at least a little better by finding a residence where Mom and Dad CAN stay together but also receive ongoing care AND the company and love and support of your families.

Try hard not to concentrate on “perfect”. There are often no “best” solutions in this kind of situation, and you can torment yourself in vain trying to find them.

Look, with love and compassion and concern, and also with the eyes of reality and objectivity. and you’ll NEVER be wrong.

Best to you-

Was he in the military because he can. get someone that will help with him. It sounds like he needs more rehab..

Are there any “combo” long term care facilities where you could place your parents? Idk what they’re called, but it’s a place where, as you decline, you can transition to more care within the same facility. For example, your mom could be in IL but your dad would be in the 24x7 care, but since they’re both living on the same “campus” she can spend as much time with him as she wants.

I don’t know if your state has Adult Family Homes but that too can work well for couples needing different levels of care, who want to keep living together. AFHs in my state can have up to 6 residents, making it a more intimate setting within a home, also very little caretaker turnover (unlike NHs). My dad is in hospice in an AFH now. He requires maximum bed care, and he also can’t feed himself nor can he even hold a glass to drink water. The AFH caregivers are able to give him that level of care. We visit him every day. If my mom wanted to, she could have moved in to the same AFH and paid a lower price since she doesn’t need as much care. She still wants to live at home for now and we don’t expect my dad to live for much longer, God willing.

These two kinds of places seem like they might work for your parents.

If he can't transfer, toilet, or bathe a NH is where he needs to be, unless he is super wealthy and can afford 24/7 care. The size of the IL is irrelevant. You can't have just 1 person on a 24/7 caregiving shift. You'd need at least 3 people, each working 8 hour shifts. They don't need their own room.

I can somewhat relate. My mother took a fall on Feb 10 this year and wound up at the hospital for 2 day. She was transferred to rehab for 3 months. When she was released from rehab she also needed help transferring, toileting and bathing as a result of having 1 hour of physical therapy a day and left in bed the remaining of the day in an adult diaper. Before this fall she was able to manage everything by herself. I took home to her house and quickly realized she needed more help than I could offer since I lived 3 hours away and could not stay indefinitely with her. The second night she was home, she had a bowel accident while she was asleep and didn't know it. She is now in an AL but sadly has gone downhill although they take very good care of her. She had her follow-up appointment with her new doctor and we learned she lost 20 pounds in 3.5 weeks although she eats 3 times a day. It was suggested she was depressed and lonely which could cause some of weightloss. The nurse who tended to my mother told me this was common of patients who are in NH or AL. She also described her late MIL having the same issues as we are and she said she lost her mom after 3 month of being placed in a NH. Her advice was to bring my mom home or visit her often.

We are in the process of preparing her house for sale but I am still reluctant to do so for the same reasons you regret selling your parents home. I also have a friend who's mother is going through the same as both of us and now is in hospice. I hope things work out for you.

I don't think selling the house was a mistake. Mom cannot care for dad adequately and why cause her the stress of trying and failing? What other arrangement are you considering? It does sound as though your sibs and spouse do not want to do hands-on caregiving and you will burn out if you try it alone. Do you have some workable alternative under these circumstances? And consider that Dad is depressed and lonely and would be feeling that way even if at home with an overwhelmed wife. Old age is just that - depressing.