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Barbbrooklyn, sent me links on personality disorders. There are a lot of them!! She fits the bill for obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Not to be confused with OCD which is a form of anxiety. My mother had all the traits. Preoccupied with rules, orderliness, control, can’t throw anything out, gets angry over little things, can’t delegate orders and if she does they have to be done EXACTLY the way she wants it done. I mean EXACTLY!! I asked her the other day if she wanted my help to soak her foot. Her reply was no, you won’t do it right. I can’t believe I finally found a diagnosis that fits her to a tee!!! Now will she see a doctor about it. NO because in her mind there is nothing wrong with her. But I can seek therapy. I can try it again. But now at least I have some compassion and know that she really does have an illness. A mental illness. I know I still need to set boundaries with her but I know now I don’t need to take it personally. I want to thank Barbbrooklyn for sending me links and having me read up on it. I looked up borderline personality disorder and she only has 2 traits. But Obsessive compulsive personality disorder she had all of them with the exception of dresses impeccable. She’s not that but she said when she was younger she always worried about how she looked. At 95 she doesn’t care how she looks. Somebody else had this same question on this forum in 2013. Can anybody relate to it? Suggestions welcomed!!

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Sendhelp, that’s funny. I like it. I could use some humor right now.
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Found this online. It is a joke, offered in the face of what must be a really difficult experience.

"I don't have OCD. I have CDO, because it is alphabetical, in the right order, as it should be!"
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 8, 2020
Cute!
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Alvadeer these are the symptoms of OCPD not to be confused with OCD. My mother had always had the symptoms of OCPD. 1. Perfectionism to the point it impairs the ability to finish tasks. 2. Stiff, rigid mannerisms. 3. Frugal with money. 4. Overwhelmingly need to be punctual. 5. Extreme attention to detail. 6. Inability to delegate work to someone else because it won’t be done right. 7. Fixation with lists. 8. Sense of righteousness about how things should be done. My mother is all of these. She is very frugal with money before she became a gambling addict. But even now she fights with a store clerk that they gipped her 5 cents!! That’s right. She yells at them over 5 cents. Every time she goes in target she marches over to the customer service desk to show they charged her the wrong amount on the receipt for her cookies. I’ve learned to wait in the car. So yes, she had always been this way and I am glad that doctors have had breakthroughs on personality disorders so that maybe someone will notice something going on with a LO and they can get help. Because all too often family members blame themselves. But now I know it’s the way that she is. I am thankful for aging care for the support I need. There is much wisdom on this sight. Thank you to everyone!!!
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lealonnie, yes I have seen that show hoarders!!! OMG yes that is my mom. She just has a path going all around the house. She still can’t find the tv remote. The piles get higher and higher. At 95 I know she won’t get any help. She doesn’t even acknowledge that she has a problem with anything!! Things got worse when my father died 20 years ago but with personality disorders she they get worse with age. She’s worse these last 3 years because she lost her independence of driving and has to rely on me or call a bus to take her anywhere. Here’s another example in the 1970’s of her trying to control her environment. She had an OBGYN appt and they called that day and had to cancel. She told me that she told the nurse oh no!! You are not canceling on my!! She told the nurse she just took a shower and was all ready and she was on her way. Find me another doctor to see!! I am not rescheduling!!!! By golly they found another doctor for her, lol. Who does that???? Her ruining every holiday with her antics because things didn’t go her way. The examples are endless!!! But at least now I can have some compassion and know it’s not my fault!!
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Barbbrooklyn, yes it is definitely some type of personality disorder and maybe 2 or 3 all mixed together. All my life she has tried to control her environment. When it doesn’t work out she is yelling and screaming. Nobody else can do it right so she has to do it herself. If she does let me do it , it has to be done exactly the way she wants. She’s always been this way my whole life and I am almost 58. But they do say personality disorders get worse as they age. Thank you everyone for your help!!! You all help me so much!!
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I was watching an episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive the other night. There was this guy on the show from NYC; he was a pretty severe hoarder. He would come into the house and just throw things down, like the mail, saying he'd 'get around to it later' and then never would. After 20+ years of doing things like that, his house was a train wreck. I was thinking of your mother Elaine, and how you said she'd do similar things like throw the mail down and say she'd get to it later. It's awful how such things develop, isn't it?

So glad Barb sent you a link that explains your mother's behavior/personality disorder. It's VERY helpful for US to be able to understand THEM a little bit better. It's not like they're doing things on purpose......lots of times they have mental illness conditions they cannot help. Of course, it would be nice if they got TREATMENT for said conditions, but that's a conversation for another day, right? Sigh.
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Alva; I get what you are saying! But if you read a bit about Elaine's mom, it's not just control issues. Back in the 1970s, she was calling her brother and SIL everyday and screaming, verbally abusing them on the phone to the point that her brother finally called the cops, resulting in a hospitalization.

Poor Elaine is trying to come to terms with being a good, caring daughter and trying to understand what is going on with her mom; in this situation, I think that there is a bit beyond "control"; she needs our help in understanding why setting boundaries might be a good idea, and why giving up her life to try to help her mom (who won't accept her help, because she won't do it right) isn't the right thing to do.

For the record, I don't think everyone has a personality disorder. Some people are just hard to live with.
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Just sounding to me like control issues. Some of us have them. And as we lose control of more and more things we become more and more anxious and terrified. At 77 I don't much care about how I look either. I mean if I want to go to Safeway in dirty gardening jeans that's what I will do. BUT not caring about how one looks does translate to me with OCD or what you describe. I suspect you are looking at aging loss, and anxiety more than anything. Glad she is giving up impeccable; it's SUCH a waste of time. Everything today is explained away by personality disorders or what is or isn't growing in our gut. It's not that easy I'm afraid. We are a complex animal.
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Needhelpwithmom, thank you. I didn’t realize there are so many personality disorders. This one fits her perfectly. I know it won’t change anything with her but at least now I can see things differently. I know back in the 1970’s when she went to a psychiatric facility they didn’t have all of these personality disorder diagnosis. They kind of just lumped everything with depression and anxiety. I suppose I could tell her doctor about it. Someone else posted about this in 2013.
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Elaine,

Glad to know that you have pin pointed a possible diagnosis for your mom. It will help you to understand her actions better.

I agree that she probably won’t do anything to change her behavior or seek help for that matter.

Good luck if you decide to pursue therapy for yourself.
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