I think My mom is waiting for me to tell her it’s ok to go before death. How do I muster up the words? I just can’t!!

I have to take a contrarian point of view and say that I don't think any words will help a dying parent let go. My mother is at the end of her life, and I've told her many times that I love her. Today I told her (as recommended in the forum) that she was so influential to my success as an adult. (I'm an only child.) At one point I told her it was okay to go and she said "Go where?". I told her to be with her mother and her husband and she seemed unfazed.

She has actually cried out "I want to go home" and "I just want to die" but she has continued to languish. So, I think the body gives up when it is ready. It breaks my heart to see my mother in this condition and I'm sorry I can't be the bearer of better news, but that is my experience.

If you can’t say goodbye can you tell her you’ll be ok? I couldn’t say goodbye to my mom but I could tell her I would be ok and I would make sure Dad would be ok. Huge hugs to you.

I told my mom that God doesn’t make mistakes and when he comes to get her, to go. And that I will see her again. I sang “Till we meet again”, “Poor wayfaring stranger”, “Abide with me” very softly. It is so hard because we want our mother’s comfort when our mothers are dying so I suppose the songs were for both of us-Hugs to you.

If the lump in your throat is to large to let words pass by, maybe take her hand and look at her trying your best to muster a reassuring face. And know that as your mother she will know what is in your heart, I promise. And never, EVER let your feel responsible, accountable, or in anyway, regretful because all any mother wants is to know their child is happy. and if you are happy, she will know.

If you fear that your emotions will effect your word choices..write your permission down. You can revise it until you are fully content that you have included everything that u want to include. Just dont wait to read it to her after it's too late though.

tell her that you will manage on your own...and that you will stay connected to your siblings/aunts uncles cousins, etc.
You don't have to define the connection...might just be exchange of holiday cards.
Parents often want to hear that their children will be 'all right' even when the 'child' is in her 60s.

When I was dealing with watching my mom suffer with her cancer and me suffering the future loss of her , I got the advice I needed from Hospice. She needed permission from me and my siblings to go .. We each , over the last week of her life let her know it was ok , we would be fine and that she did a good job raising us .. ( with some bumps along the way ) . She passed at the end of that week … she went HOME. There was no more pain ..
That was back in the very early nineties . I have lost others since then and my take away is this …If I get to the place where I have no quality of life , selflessly , let me go , tell me you love me , tell me I will be remembered, tell me I’ll be missed and give me permission to go .

Alot of patients need permission from loved ones. Tell mom you will meet up with her in heaven as soon as your chores on earth are complete. By stating this you can reassure her it is ok to be on her way and reassure your self you two will meet up again.

Herdaughter54: Imho, you should show love as you are now. God bless you.

Just let your mom know how much you love her. Share much loved stories of you and her at points in your lives. If you aren't ready to say good bye then you're not ready, but let her know you will be fine.

During dad's final months we had a discussion about his dying. I assured him those left behind would be fine after he went. His answer to me was he didn't think we'd be fine after he left this world. In some ways maybe he was right.

Mom, my brother and I at times told him that when it was time to go that he could go on to his next life. One day he just went to sleep in his favorite chair and never woke up. I am sure he is much happier where is he is now, joined with family and friends that went before him.

It's sad for us who are left behind.

The Hospice Chaplain will help you as well as your mom

This isn't about you, it's about your mom and her journey now. You don't have to say 'goodbye', just let her know it's okay to leave, that you'll be FINE, and that she will be fine too as she reunites with her parents and other departed loved ones who are waiting for her arrival on the Other Side. That's all you need to do. It's hard but oftentimes it's necessary, and it's what they're waiting for in order to take the next step in the transition process!

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation; sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Don't say goodbye. It is upsetting to you and the words might be the same for her. Just tell her you love her. No sweeter words ever spoken.

Don't let her suffer if she is ready to go then you need to tell her it's ok to go mom. I hate to watch anyone suffer. I'm sorry for what your going through it was hard when I lost my mom.

Don't say those words. Say things like "Because all the good you did before you got sick, my life is so much better (and be specific on the good she did for the world). (include how much better are her other progeny. And, say things like, "If you want to rest now, I'll be in the other room doing (say something that you could be doing." and then follow up with "I'll be right back". By the way, the numbers you mention are not immediately life threatening. A bit, but not to the point with death yet. So you may have a while. I am sorry you are going through this, but GLAD you are your mom's angel on earth. Sometimes, when you say how long you will be gone , and leave, that is when they choose to give up and die. But not always, so hang in there!

My dear wife of 62 plus years passed away July 14, we were in an assisted Living for almost two years , she had bad knees and hip, was in pain also had dementia, was placed in Memory care, was there about five months, I would take her to church on Sunday and for a car ride trough the park and in the country every day, on last month she could not stand, and could not get into the car, Hospice furnished a hospital type bed, took care of her pain medication and also her baths.
I would have breakfast, dinner and supper with her every day, She kept asking me if it was ok to wish to die, I did say that it was ok, She started to eat les and a week later she stopped eating, she went into a semi coma, hospice said she would last perhaps one day, or one week or a month, that night I went to her room Daughter was there sing to her a spiritual song Do not be afraid, I sat by her and held her hand talking to her, at about 7.45 in the morning she took her last breath, I was told that the hearing is the last thing dying people would loose.
It has been two months since she passed away, I miss her very much, but she is not suffering anymore.

My brother had renal cell carcinoma and in hospice, he asked me: “should I get on the bus?”
it was textbook “asking permission”, plus the “bus” as the “vessel.”
I said “yes, it’s ok to get on the bus now. Everything’s taken care of.”
He died hours later peacefully.

Take a few moments today to sort through your feelings. Take some paper and pen/pencil with you to a quiet place.

Write down all the thoughts and feelings your have about your mom that are positive. These are the best reasons you want her to stay.

Write down all the ways she is suffering and all the negatives about her current situation. These are the best reasons to let her rest.

How can you honor, treasure, and pass along the positive thoughts and feelings about your mom? I would suggest telling her all those positives.

How long are you willing to "hold her to life" after looking at your lists? If the dismay catches your heart at the suffering you listed, you can probably let her go.

Tell her you love her. Tell her that you and the rest of the family and friends will be OK. Tell her it is OK to rest and stop fighting. If God is a big part of your or her life, tell her to go into the Divine's arms.

She is leaving Earth, not you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

I told my father that I would face whatever came my way and that I loved him with every single beat of my heart. That he was my world. He died at 8:34 am on Saturday June 19th. He had stage 4 adema, was in congestive heart failure and only in hospice a month before he passed. I had the worst Father’s Day I could have ever had but my father knew I loved him before he went. That’s all that mattered.

You should just say everything you need to say and then let her know how she's lived a good long life and tell her you know she is tired and tell her you all love her and you will miss her when she's gone but that you are strong and everything will be OK.

Tell her she can go to sleep in Jesus whenever she wants and you'll see her in Heaven when she wakes up.

Prayers

When my mom was close to death, I asked if her mom or anyone had been to visit her. One day her mom came, another day her MIL, another her brother. I told mom if she decided at anytime to go with them (each had asked her to come with them) it was ok. That I would watch over dad for her and we would all be ok. But if she didn’t want to go with them that was ok too. I was here to watch over and take care of het because I loved her.

My mom passed away on April 15th at 605 pm. I am the child that she worried about. I was also her caregiver for years and we lived together 24/7. When she got sick it was very sudden on April 9th. She was clear thinking and knew she had to go to the hospital. She deteriorated over the next 6 days and I spent as much time with her as I could. Her thinking became cloudy and she slept more and more. We moved her to hospice on the 14th and by then she was receiving around the clock meds. When I arrived the morning of the 15th I told her "hi mom. I'm here". She raised her eyebrows at me and I hugged her. I played her favorite relaxing music, and sang her favorite love songs to her. I did not tell her she could go. I did not address it at all. She was afraid of dying. I gave her a sponge bath and wiped her face and arms. And then when my daughter was alone with her, my mom took her last breath. Its not always what is needed. Spend time with her. Make this time special because it is. Your moms spirit is strong and your ancestors will be coming to get her. Pray and just love her and try not to panic. Its hard. Sending prayers to you and your mom. ❤

When my grandmother (my favorite person in the whole world) was in a coma and dying, I told her that it was ok to let go and not try anymore. I didn't mention death, just that she could relax and stop trying so hard and that we were all going to be ok and that we loved her very much.

She was always determined to do her best and I think she needed to hear that it was ok to stop trying so hard and let go when she was ready and that we would be there to take care of each other.

She died about 20 minutes after I talked to her. At first I felt guilty, but really I just gave her permission to be at peace, in case she wanted it and she already knew that I loved her.

If you are the child she's most worried about then by all means you MUST tell her not only that it's ok that she goes, but also that you are going to be ok. You want her to rest in peace don't you? Please don't have any regrets by leaving things unsaid that need to be said. You can do it, I promise. I had to tell my husband that a year ago that it was ok for him to go, and that I was going to be ok. It took me until about this past July that I was finally feeling like I was ok, so there is no time frame on being "ok," as everyone is different.
You don't have much time left with her, and she might just be hanging on until you say the words so she can go.
God bless you and your family as you journey with your mom from this life to the next.

The body will do what the body will do. Granting permission has zero effect on what's going to happen.

Just be upbeat about your own future and your confidence. You don't want your mom to have added distress as she's dying, but you giving permission or not has nothing to do with when she will die.

Please take this pressure off yourself. Your mom will pass exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I was mostly silent the day my dad passed, though I was right next to him throughout, few words would come. We both well knew our love and care for each other, as I’m sure you and your mom do also, that knowledge is worth far more than words. I wish you both peace

As an RN I have seen this admonition go very wrong. We are not in charge of our own bodies. When my friend, also a nurse, told her dying brother he could die, he could leave, it was OK, he looked up at her with horror. No longer able to speak, she says she knew that his eyes said "WHAT! Am I DYING!!!!!" She said it was a mistake. I have seen it happen that way myself. I think it is important to tell your Mom that you love her, that she taught you things that will help you all of your life, that she will be with you every day as long as you live. I would NOT tell her it is OK to die. That's just my personal opinion. You must do what you believe is right for you and your Mom.

I'm going to tell you it's okay. You don't have to tell her she can go if you don't want to. She will go when her time comes whether you say is okay to or not.
How about if you just stay by her and tell her everything is okay and that you love her. This will be a comfort to you both.
God bless you and your mom and may she be soon know peace.

Perhaps consider not using the difficult-to-say words of “It’s okay to go.” I encourage you to find the strength to say your farewell and how much you love her and what she means to you.

It’s hard to get started saying these words, but those words will likely tumble out once you begin. I and many of us on this forum have been where you are.

I’m sorry you and your mother are going through this. *hug*