BP/pulse all over the place. She’s fighting so hard. Today she couldn’t even stay awake to visit her grandaughter and great grand. Nurse says watch vitals. Last reading was 98/45. Oxygen stays in 80’s without it on. I’m struggling with this!! I cannot say goodbye just yet! I know she's waiting for me, I think I'm the child she's most worried about.

As an RN I have seen this admonition go very wrong. We are not in charge of our own bodies. When my friend, also a nurse, told her dying brother he could die, he could leave, it was OK, he looked up at her with horror. No longer able to speak, she says she knew that his eyes said "WHAT! Am I DYING!!!!!" She said it was a mistake. I have seen it happen that way myself. I think it is important to tell your Mom that you love her, that she taught you things that will help you all of your life, that she will be with you every day as long as you live. I would NOT tell her it is OK to die. That's just my personal opinion. You must do what you believe is right for you and your Mom.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

My brother had renal cell carcinoma and in hospice, he asked me: “should I get on the bus?”
it was textbook “asking permission”, plus the “bus” as the “vessel.”
I said “yes, it’s ok to get on the bus now. Everything’s taken care of.”
He died hours later peacefully.
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Reply to KristineB
AlvaDeer Sep 21, 2021
I love that he asked you. I love how he "saw it". I love that you told him it is OK to get on the bus. Such a beautiful story.
So don't tell her goodbye, just talk about how you are doing OK and put a positive spin on what your plans are for the future. I think this push to give people permission to die is over rated and it's not always what those nearing the end want to hear, especially those who are still fighting.
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Reply to cwillie

Please take this pressure off yourself. Your mom will pass exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I was mostly silent the day my dad passed, though I was right next to him throughout, few words would come. We both well knew our love and care for each other, as I’m sure you and your mom do also, that knowledge is worth far more than words. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930

The body will do what the body will do. Granting permission has zero effect on what's going to happen.

Just be upbeat about your own future and your confidence. You don't want your mom to have added distress as she's dying, but you giving permission or not has nothing to do with when she will die.
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Reply to MJ1929

She is leaving Earth, not you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Erikka

If you are the child she's most worried about then by all means you MUST tell her not only that it's ok that she goes, but also that you are going to be ok. You want her to rest in peace don't you? Please don't have any regrets by leaving things unsaid that need to be said. You can do it, I promise. I had to tell my husband that a year ago that it was ok for him to go, and that I was going to be ok. It took me until about this past July that I was finally feeling like I was ok, so there is no time frame on being "ok," as everyone is different.
You don't have much time left with her, and she might just be hanging on until you say the words so she can go.
God bless you and your family as you journey with your mom from this life to the next.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to funkygrandma59

When my mom was close to death, I asked if her mom or anyone had been to visit her. One day her mom came, another day her MIL, another her brother. I told mom if she decided at anytime to go with them (each had asked her to come with them) it was ok. That I would watch over dad for her and we would all be ok. But if she didn’t want to go with them that was ok too. I was here to watch over and take care of het because I loved her.
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Reply to KaleyBug

You can tell her you and grands will be ok, that you love her and your life is great, even if it is not.
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Reply to gladimhere

When my grandmother (my favorite person in the whole world) was in a coma and dying, I told her that it was ok to let go and not try anymore. I didn't mention death, just that she could relax and stop trying so hard and that we were all going to be ok and that we loved her very much.

She was always determined to do her best and I think she needed to hear that it was ok to stop trying so hard and let go when she was ready and that we would be there to take care of each other.

She died about 20 minutes after I talked to her. At first I felt guilty, but really I just gave her permission to be at peace, in case she wanted it and she already knew that I loved her.
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Reply to Firstof5

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