I think my MIL needs to wear Depends all day, but my husband needs to be the one to tell her that. What should I do?

Keep the door to the bathroom closed so the cat can't get in there. Tell everyone to keep it closed. Make sure a clean bowl of water is always next to the cat's food.

Have him be responsible for cleaning her, that should get the conversation going quickly

"He has no idea" -- why don't you tell him?

Many elderly have accidents. Allow her to continue using the bathroom even if she wears Depends during the day. Since Depends are like “pull ups” they are designed to prolong independence and dignity. Taking away her ability to use the toilet altogether is dehumanizing. Not to mention, if you are upset cleaning up the misses, you will have a lot more mess changing adult diapers 24/7.

You need to get to the root of the problem. It sounds like she may be having trouble “making it there” in time. Or, perhaps she can’t remember to lift the lid, generally. Is she unaware of the mess she leaves afterwards? Is this #1, #2 or both?

This is something that should be discussed with her doctor. If it’s #1 only, there are medications that might help her control it better. Could she have a UTI (confusion and frequency?). Could there be a problem like a prolapsed uterus that is putting extra pressure on her bladder? This can be corrected surgically and is very helpful for some.

if this is #2, there could be a different medical problem. Is she due for a colonoscopy?

Maybe she needs more assistance getting to, or in, the bathroom.

if she doesn’t remember she has to go or realize she made a mess, there could be a more concerning cognitive issue (worsening dementia) that needs attention).

Nevertheless, you say that you are “staying” with her. Are you there for caretaking it is she letting you live there?

Isn’t she more important than “another cat” in the house? Can the new cat be confined? Her dignity should be a priority.

You want your husband to have this conversation, but that may be humiliating or uncomfortable for both of them. Talk to her, woman-to-woman. Tell her this is what women wear nowadays for better comfort. Show her the commercials (many times the women appear young). If you can’t do this, have her doctor talk to her.

Make sure that she feels in control, somewhat independent and free from humiliation. Set up a system to best help her keep her dignity. Love the pets, but put the people first. The pets can adapt more easily than people, anyway.

You could take her to the toilet several times and not to wait until she has an 'urge' (although I suspect you'd thought about that one). Can you change the cat's place for pooping? I have a sis that uses the sand in a litter box and cat loves it now. Choose your battle...the cat can be trained and your MIL goes and uses the toilet...the issue is leaving the lid open. Otherwise, stop cleaning for a day... And kindly make your husband do the work, he'll get the point quickly.
There are bed protectors (kaylees) which the users sleep over (not under the bedding), also protectors for covering chairs and sofas.

I am amazed at how many posters here care for their MILs more than the MILs’ own children do. It is another evidence that women are better caregivers than men.

You are killing yourself! Not just with your MIL but with your husband!

Your husband is not very empathetic to your needs. I understand that he wants his mom cared for. He should not expect you to do everything!

He can hire a caregiver to help out. He can also hire a housekeeper as well. Do you have any help?

Call Council on Aging in your area to see if she qualifies for free help. They are wonderful! I have used their service.

C on A will help with light housekeeping in her room, preparing light meals, bathing, toileting, help getting dressed and sitting with them so you can run errands.

When my friend’s husband asked her about his mom moving in with them she said, “Fine, you are retired so you can tend to your mom.” He does!

She doesn’t even cook for her mother in law. Well, she hates cooking. Her husband has always cooked.

Is your husband retired? If so, he can tend to her and things will change rapidly.

It’s not your mother in law’s fault. She has dementia.and Parkinson’s disease.

My mom has Parkinson’s disease and it’s a dreadful disease. Their mind wants to do one thing but the body cannot always follow. It’s a neurological disease.

As far as the cat goes, just shut the door. I watched my daughter’s dog occasionally and he would nap on the bathroom rug. Mom couldn’t maneuver around him so I started shutting the door. He found another place to nap and mom wasn’t bothered by him.

Why do you need to keep the lid down on the toilet? If that is the change that is causing her a problem, then leave the lid up.

Cats often like to drink out of the toilet and on occasion will fall in, but having a cat in the house is no reason to keep the lid down. I have 3 adults cats and a kitten, all of them like to drink out of the toilet at times. It just means I somethings have wet paw prints on the seat. Far easier to wipe those down than a complete clean up because your MIL cannot remember to put up the lid.

Isn't it time for a nursing home is someone has this much dementia AND is incontinent? I suppose husband won't allow it? Actually, it would probably be a relief to him, too....

It is healthier for her to use the toilet as much as possible. I suggest trying to get her on a toileting schedule every 3 hours so she has less accidents. If this doesn't work, I suggest she has a doctor's appointment to pinpoint the problem with her incontinence - it could easily be a UTI that needs treatment or could be treated with medications.

It might be a better idea to close the bathroom door to keep kitty out than to keep the lid closed.

With dementia, it’s not as if it matters who tells her what to do with her toileting issues. She’ll likely forget, resists or not be able to process it. At a certain point, she’ll need supervision and assistance with changing the depends and getting cleaned up, though it seems you are helping with that now. I guess my point is that even if your husband tells her what to do, she’ll likely forget it not be able to comply due to dementia. I’d keep jumping kittens and puppies out of way. Very risky.

Are you wanting her to wear the depends so she can use the bathroom in the depends instead of using the toilet? I wouldn't recommend that. Once the brain is retrained to say it's ok to go in your pants, it probably won't get reversed.

The cat needs to stay out of the bathroom - close the door and leave the toilet top up so she can go. Not sure if a new cat was your idea or someone else's, but that's just more work for you. If you only have one bathroom, put a potty chair by her bed and she can keep that door closed and use that - eliminating the cat problem. Much better to have toileting in the toilet - not in the pants.

There is nothing wrong with wearing a pull up or depends all day long to catch accidents. Keep a supply of clean pads/depends next to the toilet so she changes as needed. It makes no sense to walk around with no protection and just peeing on the floor. You should be able to repeat this conversation until she gets it. However if she only takes direction from hubby - then you need to be a little firmer with him to tell her. Let him know that you aren't going to continue to be the only one doing cleaning simply because he chooses not to talk to her. Let him step in a few puddles if you have to, but that is ridiculous and shows lack of respect for you.

I have cats and some do like to play in the toilet bowl water. Is it possible to keep the bathroom door closed until the kitten is bigger? It’s not the solution to the larger problem but might be doable for a few months.

Stop doing the cleaning.

Maybe you can be more forceful and say... "Today, we are going to start wearing these briefs (depends) during the day. They will keep you clean and dry." Dementia takes away a bit of reasoning and you may be waiting on agreement from her until you are blue in the face. Your husband can then add "It's a good idea, mom. Let's try it for a week." Then you just continue. You can also take away her regular cotton underwear so just incontinent briefs are available. Also, you may need to start walking to the bathroom with her to make sure all is going well in there. (lid up, wiping properly front to back, seeing if briefs are wet or dry, etc) Good luck~

Keep the lid up and buy one of those inexpensive self closing door hinges to keep the pets out of the bathroom.
Having dealt with urinary and fecal incontinence I would never encourage anyone to give up using the toilet prematurely. Never. Wearing Depends all the time isn't necessarily going to stop her from trying to use the toilet - they do pull up and down like regular underwear - and if she does have a bowel movement in them it isn't going to reduce the clean up, in fact it might actually be worse.

I would take pictures of her messes so he can see first hand what she does. You are doing the caring, he should make your life as easy as possible. Have him tell Mom she should be wearing pull ups. Once he does that, you just reinforce it.

In hindsight bringing a kitten into the mix was not a good idea. I have had cats and the last thing I would want to do with caring for anyone was to deal with training a kitten.

“....not allowed....”?

Why not leave the lid open? It would solve some of the problems...at least for now...I haven’t had a cat for years, but the toilet was never a problem when I had cats.

Mammajae, it sounds as though your family is from another culture whose 'rules' are proving to be very controlling at the moment. Do you have friends from your culture? One way to deal with this would be to talk ‘in confidence’ to a woman you know and ask for her advice. There is a good chance that it will get back to your husband from her husband, and ‘shame’ might prompt him to do something more sensible than what is happening now.

Another option worth trying as well is to tell your husband how dangerous this is for his mother. Skin breakdown, falls (nothing like poop on the bathroom floor for causing skids), perhaps other posters can come up with other reasons why husband should do something better for his mother’s sake!

You need to be there when she goes to the bathroom. She is now considered incontinent if she has no idea she needs to go. You need to ask your husband to tell her its time to wear depends all the time. Pull ups are the closest u will get to panties. The sides will rip to get them off easier. To cut down on the cost, take her to the bathroom every couple of hours, after eating a meal. Just like training a child only this child is going backwards.

Because it is his mother. She only listens to him. It is for him to deal with, talking wise. I will tell him about what has happened and all the cleaning I have done. I will tell him the exchange between myself and his mom. I could be wrong, but he won't agree to her wearing them all the time, unless she is bedridden.

Save the cleaning for him.
If you are not permitted to say anything then this has to come from him. If he is oblivious to what you are cleaning up let him understand.
She probably should be wearing a disposable incontinent product daily and at night. A clean one in the morning and a clean one at night an any time during the day when it is soiled. This is not only going to safe the furniture and her clothing but skin breakdown happens easily and can be difficult to manage.

If he has no idea then it is past time to tell him.. Why are you not allowed to say anything?