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My husband and I stay with my mother-in-law. She is 80, has Parkinson's for years, dementia for a few years, and is a widow. She is mobile but is very forgetful. I have a toilet problem with her. She wears depends to bed. I suspected she wet her bed. She doesn't wear her underwear daily because she forgets to change and I am not allowed to say anything. Now, with another cat in the house, we keep the toilet lid down. I already use a puppy pad and wash cloth to keep wetness up and off stuff. This week, I cleaned up poop and urine since she forgets the seat being down. Today, she got surprised by the kitten jumping and I just changed the puppy pad. She peed all over the lid, floor, and puppy pad. I told her that maybe she may have to wear the depends during the day and not go to the bathroom anymore. She rejected this idea, of course. I told her that I just changed the pad and cleaned. She said she knew. This kind of change has to be my husband's recommendation. She won't listen to me. I do all the cleaning. He has no idea...

You need to be there when she goes to the bathroom. She is now considered incontinent if she has no idea she needs to go. You need to ask your husband to tell her its time to wear depends all the time. Pull ups are the closest u will get to panties. The sides will rip to get them off easier. To cut down on the cost, take her to the bathroom every couple of hours, after eating a meal. Just like training a child only this child is going backwards.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Keep the lid up and buy one of those inexpensive self closing door hinges to keep the pets out of the bathroom.
Having dealt with urinary and fecal incontinence I would never encourage anyone to give up using the toilet prematurely. Never. Wearing Depends all the time isn't necessarily going to stop her from trying to use the toilet - they do pull up and down like regular underwear - and if she does have a bowel movement in them it isn't going to reduce the clean up, in fact it might actually be worse.
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Maybe you can be more forceful and say... "Today, we are going to start wearing these briefs (depends) during the day. They will keep you clean and dry." Dementia takes away a bit of reasoning and you may be waiting on agreement from her until you are blue in the face. Your husband can then add "It's a good idea, mom. Let's try it for a week." Then you just continue. You can also take away her regular cotton underwear so just incontinent briefs are available. Also, you may need to start walking to the bathroom with her to make sure all is going well in there. (lid up, wiping properly front to back, seeing if briefs are wet or dry, etc) Good luck~
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Reply to renoir
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Are you wanting her to wear the depends so she can use the bathroom in the depends instead of using the toilet? I wouldn't recommend that. Once the brain is retrained to say it's ok to go in your pants, it probably won't get reversed.

The cat needs to stay out of the bathroom - close the door and leave the toilet top up so she can go. Not sure if a new cat was your idea or someone else's, but that's just more work for you. If you only have one bathroom, put a potty chair by her bed and she can keep that door closed and use that - eliminating the cat problem. Much better to have toileting in the toilet - not in the pants.

There is nothing wrong with wearing a pull up or depends all day long to catch accidents. Keep a supply of clean pads/depends next to the toilet so she changes as needed. It makes no sense to walk around with no protection and just peeing on the floor. You should be able to repeat this conversation until she gets it. However if she only takes direction from hubby - then you need to be a little firmer with him to tell her. Let him know that you aren't going to continue to be the only one doing cleaning simply because he chooses not to talk to her. Let him step in a few puddles if you have to, but that is ridiculous and shows lack of respect for you.
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Reply to my2cents
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Mammajae Oct 16, 2020
The depends doesn't stop accidents. I already have a cloth under the rim because she pees under the rim, down the front, and onto the floor. A taped puppy pad on the floor helps.
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Mammajae, it sounds as though your family is from another culture whose 'rules' are proving to be very controlling at the moment. Do you have friends from your culture? One way to deal with this would be to talk ‘in confidence’ to a woman you know and ask for her advice. There is a good chance that it will get back to your husband from her husband, and ‘shame’ might prompt him to do something more sensible than what is happening now.

Another option worth trying as well is to tell your husband how dangerous this is for his mother. Skin breakdown, falls (nothing like poop on the bathroom floor for causing skids), perhaps other posters can come up with other reasons why husband should do something better for his mother’s sake!
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Mammajae Oct 16, 2020
I have fibromyalgia and depression. According to the bible, the man is the head of the home. His mom, his home. I try to do things his way.
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Save the cleaning for him.
If you are not permitted to say anything then this has to come from him. If he is oblivious to what you are cleaning up let him understand.
She probably should be wearing a disposable incontinent product daily and at night. A clean one in the morning and a clean one at night an any time during the day when it is soiled. This is not only going to safe the furniture and her clothing but skin breakdown happens easily and can be difficult to manage.
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Mammajae Oct 12, 2020
I tried to save it for him, being the only toilet in the house. He leaves it.
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“....not allowed....”?
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 14, 2020
Yeah thats what i said too!!!! Wife is the one doing all the cleaning and caregiving, maybe she should take a week mini vacation and let him handle it all!!!!
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Have him be responsible for cleaning her, that should get the conversation going quickly
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InFamilyService Oct 16, 2020
Love this idea, was thinking the same thing!
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Why do you need to keep the lid down on the toilet? If that is the change that is causing her a problem, then leave the lid up.

Cats often like to drink out of the toilet and on occasion will fall in, but having a cat in the house is no reason to keep the lid down. I have 3 adults cats and a kitten, all of them like to drink out of the toilet at times. It just means I somethings have wet paw prints on the seat. Far easier to wipe those down than a complete clean up because your MIL cannot remember to put up the lid.
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disgustedtoo Oct 17, 2020
"...have wet paw prints on the seat. Far easier to wipe those down..."

Assuming you notice them first!!! Nothing like sitting down and THEN realizing the seat is wet!!! :-)
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Stop doing all the cleaning.
Its his mother.

No, he has no idea because you do the work.
Stop making yourself a doormat.
If you continue to do this behavior, husband's and his mother's behavior will remain the same. Only YOU can change your behavior and the chips fall where they may.

Learn that you deserve respect and how to set boundaries to get it.
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