I think I’m becoming resentful. Any suggestions? - AgingCare.com

I think I’m becoming resentful. Any suggestions?

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I’m caring for my children’s grandmother ( my boy friend's mother) for almost two years! My bf and I are about 20 years apart! And when his mother became ill with dementia, I became her caregiver, because I was not working at the time! Since then my life had became about her! Mind you I am about 700 miles away from all of my family, and his family is about 500 miles away. My bf feels since he works he doesn’t have to help me with his mother! I miss my life before her! I can’t do anything without taking her with me! I can’t be active in school activities for my 7 and 3 years! I also want to get out the house to work and meet new people! I have no help and started to see a therapist, who says I am stressed and depressed! I become frustrated and take it out on my loved ones! I’m also going to school online, my grades have took a plunge since she’s been in my home! I believe she is a health hazard especially to my children! She's gross and leaves disgusting things in the ONLY bathroom in the house, she hides trash and food in her room! I have a panic attack everything, I see sh@t on the toilet! She also has become physically and verbally abusive to my girls! I tell my bf about it and makes it seem as if it’s their fault for the treatment they receive! He’s in very much denial! I just want my life, peace-of-mind, my HOUSE back! I tell him from time to time that I don’t want to do it anymore but tells me that basically I'm not trying hard enough, and guilts me into continuing caring for his mother! I’m starting to resent him! Any suggestions?

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I think if you start the discussion tonight without a proper support system in place, would be a bad move. It will be a fight. Like I said been there, done that.
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Reply to tacy022
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I want to second Polar bear's suggestion.

There is another poster on here, DesperateinFla, whose posts you might find instructive.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Thank you polar bear, no I get a faction of that! You have great insight! This conversation will be had with him and I tonight!!!
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Reply to Shop54321
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Shop -

The way I see it:

Your jobS: 2 full time and one part-time: 24/7 caretaker of his mom, and 24/7 caretaker of your children, and caretaker of the house.

His job: 1 full time outside job. Period.

Your pay: $0.00. Zero, zip, nada, since whatever little pay you receive goes right back to paying for his mom's expenses.

Time to END this. TELL him you will no longer do the 24/7 caretaker job. He and his siblings find another place to care for his mother. She can go live with her daughter.

If he tells you he's working to provide for you and the kids, tell him: you're WORKING to take care of HIS kids and the house. Ask him how much does he think it costs to have a live in nannyhousekeeper? That's how much you deserve in pay because he will have to pay that if you weren't around.

As a health-aide, the average pay is $20/hr. To have someone 24/7, it will cost $480/day for 3 people to come and take care of his mom. You are only one person. He's making you do a job of 3 people, plus take care of your kids and the house. Back to the costs, how much is the sister paying you? Anywhere close to $480/day? Tell him, he can pay his sister to take care of their own mother.

Your option if he doesn't want to do anything:

--Pack your things and your kids and move back to your mother for awhile. Tell him, he will have to provide child support to his kids, and find someone else to take care of his mother. You can look for a parttime/fulltime job to support yourself while going to school at night or from home to get a better job. If need be, apply for government assistance to get you through this period. After you finish your school in a few years, you will be able to get a better paying job and support yourself and your kids. A better future than the no-life 24/7 caregiver job you currently have and will have for who knows how many years. Many people do this, so can you.

Be strong for yourself and your kids.

Come back here with questions, and we'll be glad to answer and help you.
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Reply to polarbear
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I going to give you a little background here. I quit a 6 figure a year job to caregive when I was a few years older than you are...biggest mistake of my life. During my caregiving experience, I ran a consulting business and did not even come close my previous income and we were paid by the state for about 6 months $12 an hour for 2 hours a day for 24 hour care. That came out after taxes to about $76 a week which was all used on the people we were caring for. It completely destroys your social security for the future and your retirement. Plus if you are out of the job market for long, it is harder to get a job. So unless, you are paid as a W2 employee, you are screwing yourself in the long run. Since you arent married, you cannot draw his ss benefits and not to be morbid here but you will most likely outlive him. If you are a W2 employee, submit a letter of resignation claiming mental stress and hostile work environment and file for unemployment.

Ok, so what about Mom? So offer to take night classes, leave him with Mom and kids and leave her poo for him to clean up.

DO NOT make the calls yourself, it will make it 100 times worse. Even ask your therapist to intervene and make the call. What will happen is the needs assessment will be done and you may not get to be there because "your not family". They will say its all going right and you will have no say unless you resign and have proof. I have spent thousands of dollars on lawyers to get myself out of the same type of situation.
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Reply to tacy022
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Yes he’s the kids father!
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Reply to Shop54321
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I’m 31, yes I get paid from his sister, who lives in another state,but they don’t send her a dime and she has extra money, after they pay me! they are her Poa, both medical and financial, so the things she needs comes out of what I’m getting paid monthly! It’s like I’m paying my boss! Since she’s been there all the bill went up! And it not a fair exchange! We barely know anything about her benifits, they are so secretive and tell halve truths!  and because I get compensated my bf feels like she total my obligation! I have to remind him I’m just a caregiver and at some point the family has to step in, which is him! But at some point I need a break, he doesn’t even help on weekends when he’s off! I can’t go visit my mom and family because of this, I have absolutely no family here to visit, or ask for help! Feeling trapped and angry!!
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Reply to Shop54321
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Shop - I'm angry for you. You are being used and abused by your boyfriend.

TELL him he has to find someone else and someplace else to care for his mom.

YOUR FIRST AND FOREMOST DUTY is to be the mother and caretaker of your children, NOT anyone else's health aide. TELL him that when he asks: 'what about my mom?' Tell him his mother his responsibility. Tell him he dumps his mother on you to take care of and doesn't care how stressful and depressed you become because of the caretaking job. Tell him if he doesn't care how bad the situation affects you, then he's apparently just using you to be his mother's personal health aide.

I didn't read all the posts. Sorry if my questions have been asked. Is the boyfriend the father of your children? Is he part owner of your house? If he's not the father, it may explain why he cares so little about the kids. And if he's part owner of the house, it will be hard to get his mom out of the house.

Others have given you good advice on how to get his mother help so you can have your life back. Do take their advice.

It can be done. Good luck.
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Reply to polarbear
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Can't speak. Too apoplectic.

.....

He says WHAT????

Whose mom, remind me?

Fume, seethe.

Right. A few questions.

Is he literally or effectively paying you any kind of salary or caregiver's allowance? Do you have any income of your own?

What about mother, does she have her own income?

The point being, that care COSTS. And it either costs what gets paid to hired in-home caregivers, or the caregiver (usually the lady) of the household effectively subsidises everybody else by providing this WORK free of charge.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are, Shop? Did you miss out on your first go-round of education opportunities for some reason?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Have you called the Area Agency on Aging?

" Yes, what about YOUR mom? If our 7 year old talks to anyone at school about how she's treated by grandma, CPS will be called and we'll lose the kids to foster care. It's time for you to make other arrangements".
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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