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I’m caring for my children’s grandmother ( my boy friend's mother) for almost two years! My bf and I are about 20 years apart! And when his mother became ill with dementia, I became her caregiver, because I was not working at the time! Since then my life had became about her! Mind you I am about 700 miles away from all of my family, and his family is about 500 miles away. My bf feels since he works he doesn’t have to help me with his mother! I miss my life before her! I can’t do anything without taking her with me! I can’t be active in school activities for my 7 and 3 years! I also want to get out the house to work and meet new people! I have no help and started to see a therapist, who says I am stressed and depressed! I become frustrated and take it out on my loved ones! I’m also going to school online, my grades have took a plunge since she’s been in my home! I believe she is a health hazard especially to my children! She's gross and leaves disgusting things in the ONLY bathroom in the house, she hides trash and food in her room! I have a panic attack everything, I see sh@t on the toilet! She also has become physically and verbally abusive to my girls! I tell my bf about it and makes it seem as if it’s their fault for the treatment they receive! He’s in very much denial! I just want my life, peace-of-mind, my HOUSE back! I tell him from time to time that I don’t want to do it anymore but tells me that basically I'm not trying hard enough, and guilts me into continuing caring for his mother! I’m starting to resent him! Any suggestions?

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I think if you start the discussion tonight without a proper support system in place, would be a bad move. It will be a fight. Like I said been there, done that.
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I want to second Polar bear's suggestion.

There is another poster on here, DesperateinFla, whose posts you might find instructive.
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Thank you polar bear, no I get a faction of that! You have great insight! This conversation will be had with him and I tonight!!!
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Shop -

The way I see it:

Your jobS: 2 full time and one part-time: 24/7 caretaker of his mom, and 24/7 caretaker of your children, and caretaker of the house.

His job: 1 full time outside job. Period.

Your pay: $0.00. Zero, zip, nada, since whatever little pay you receive goes right back to paying for his mom's expenses.

Time to END this. TELL him you will no longer do the 24/7 caretaker job. He and his siblings find another place to care for his mother. She can go live with her daughter.

If he tells you he's working to provide for you and the kids, tell him: you're WORKING to take care of HIS kids and the house. Ask him how much does he think it costs to have a live in nannyhousekeeper? That's how much you deserve in pay because he will have to pay that if you weren't around.

As a health-aide, the average pay is $20/hr. To have someone 24/7, it will cost $480/day for 3 people to come and take care of his mom. You are only one person. He's making you do a job of 3 people, plus take care of your kids and the house. Back to the costs, how much is the sister paying you? Anywhere close to $480/day? Tell him, he can pay his sister to take care of their own mother.

Your option if he doesn't want to do anything:

--Pack your things and your kids and move back to your mother for awhile. Tell him, he will have to provide child support to his kids, and find someone else to take care of his mother. You can look for a parttime/fulltime job to support yourself while going to school at night or from home to get a better job. If need be, apply for government assistance to get you through this period. After you finish your school in a few years, you will be able to get a better paying job and support yourself and your kids. A better future than the no-life 24/7 caregiver job you currently have and will have for who knows how many years. Many people do this, so can you.

Be strong for yourself and your kids.

Come back here with questions, and we'll be glad to answer and help you.
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I going to give you a little background here. I quit a 6 figure a year job to caregive when I was a few years older than you are...biggest mistake of my life. During my caregiving experience, I ran a consulting business and did not even come close my previous income and we were paid by the state for about 6 months $12 an hour for 2 hours a day for 24 hour care. That came out after taxes to about $76 a week which was all used on the people we were caring for. It completely destroys your social security for the future and your retirement. Plus if you are out of the job market for long, it is harder to get a job. So unless, you are paid as a W2 employee, you are screwing yourself in the long run. Since you arent married, you cannot draw his ss benefits and not to be morbid here but you will most likely outlive him. If you are a W2 employee, submit a letter of resignation claiming mental stress and hostile work environment and file for unemployment.

Ok, so what about Mom? So offer to take night classes, leave him with Mom and kids and leave her poo for him to clean up.

DO NOT make the calls yourself, it will make it 100 times worse. Even ask your therapist to intervene and make the call. What will happen is the needs assessment will be done and you may not get to be there because "your not family". They will say its all going right and you will have no say unless you resign and have proof. I have spent thousands of dollars on lawyers to get myself out of the same type of situation.
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Yes he’s the kids father!
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I’m 31, yes I get paid from his sister, who lives in another state,but they don’t send her a dime and she has extra money, after they pay me! they are her Poa, both medical and financial, so the things she needs comes out of what I’m getting paid monthly! It’s like I’m paying my boss! Since she’s been there all the bill went up! And it not a fair exchange! We barely know anything about her benifits, they are so secretive and tell halve truths!  and because I get compensated my bf feels like she total my obligation! I have to remind him I’m just a caregiver and at some point the family has to step in, which is him! But at some point I need a break, he doesn’t even help on weekends when he’s off! I can’t go visit my mom and family because of this, I have absolutely no family here to visit, or ask for help! Feeling trapped and angry!!
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Shop - I'm angry for you. You are being used and abused by your boyfriend.

TELL him he has to find someone else and someplace else to care for his mom.

YOUR FIRST AND FOREMOST DUTY is to be the mother and caretaker of your children, NOT anyone else's health aide. TELL him that when he asks: 'what about my mom?' Tell him his mother his responsibility. Tell him he dumps his mother on you to take care of and doesn't care how stressful and depressed you become because of the caretaking job. Tell him if he doesn't care how bad the situation affects you, then he's apparently just using you to be his mother's personal health aide.

I didn't read all the posts. Sorry if my questions have been asked. Is the boyfriend the father of your children? Is he part owner of your house? If he's not the father, it may explain why he cares so little about the kids. And if he's part owner of the house, it will be hard to get his mom out of the house.

Others have given you good advice on how to get his mother help so you can have your life back. Do take their advice.

It can be done. Good luck.
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Can't speak. Too apoplectic.

.....

He says WHAT????

Whose mom, remind me?

Fume, seethe.

Right. A few questions.

Is he literally or effectively paying you any kind of salary or caregiver's allowance? Do you have any income of your own?

What about mother, does she have her own income?

The point being, that care COSTS. And it either costs what gets paid to hired in-home caregivers, or the caregiver (usually the lady) of the household effectively subsidises everybody else by providing this WORK free of charge.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are, Shop? Did you miss out on your first go-round of education opportunities for some reason?
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Have you called the Area Agency on Aging?

" Yes, what about YOUR mom? If our 7 year old talks to anyone at school about how she's treated by grandma, CPS will be called and we'll lose the kids to foster care. It's time for you to make other arrangements".
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Thank you all for the great advice! I have tried adult wipes she doesn’t use them, because likes to wear the tissue, we go through a rol a day! I’ve considered going to school on campus, but the first thing he says is “what about my mom”? Or if I start looking for a job he says the same thing! Meanwhile I’m like what about me?
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From a been there done that perspective...I do not care how sick the woman is...his Mom, his responsibility. If you call to get assessments done it will just make you the bad person and more guilt trips. Call her doctor, explain the situation and have them order a needs assessment...it takes it off you.

So, if I were you, instead of worrying about her, I would look after myself. Make an appointment at your local college or university and look into taking courses on campus not online. Your oldest child is school age and the college may offer childcare for your youngest or apply for assistance for childcare for you to attend classes.

I took care of someone elses parent for years and the stress does bad things to your body. Just look after yourself and kids first.
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Shop, do you have adult wipes in the bathroom? They are just like baby wipes. There in the toilet paper isle at the grocery store. It's much better if she uses those to clean her tushy. Just a thought.
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Shop, please go back and reread Countrymouses 1st comment. It’s spot on. 

Youre depressed and stressed? Yes so would any of us be. You need help. (Not snarky/judgy comments). There is no shame in that...it’s a sign of love that you want a better situation for your girls AND grandma, and you recognize that it takes more than one person can handle 24/7 with no help. Take a proactive step and call your Area agency on aging, or the Alzheimer association. I think you will feel better just making the phone calls, and then taking action. You are being taken advantage of by the bf. But you are letting him do it for whatever reason(s). I once heard, you can’t be a doormat unless you lay down. Start standing up. Please make some phone calls.
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" I have no help and started to see a therapist, who says I am stressed and depressed! "

And so what advice did the therapist give you?
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Poo on the loo seat is gross. The person who got it there (and even more heart-sinkingly probably on herself too, ugh) is ill. That's the distinction I meant to make, Shop, and I'm sorry if I was harsh about it. I do remember only too clearly how upsetting it is - not to mention how you think you'll be there 'til Christmas trying to clean up :(
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Thank you I did find some off the comments kinda weird and off topic!
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Shop, I'm sorry to see you reach out for support and had your lifestyle morally judged. Your choice of words are totally understandable.

When I finally got to my mom her house was filthy and feet were gross. I love her immensely, but that's what illness can make them become. And I know you understand where I'm coming from.

May I ask you if the children are your boyfriends? If so, explain to him you will not allow anyone to abuse your babies.

If he can't/won't get her placed in the appropriate facility, for her need level, tell him you will, will then call social services asap. If he won't do it for you and his kids, they both need to go. Make the call and pack his bags.

Good luck Love, let us know how it goes. Please don't be run off of here. You did come to the right place  (hugz)
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Shaking dust off, what does that have to do with me?? And what writings on the wall are you referring to??
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I definitely feel used by the entire family! Though I get a little compensation, it’s not worth my children being put in harms way!
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STARTING to resent him? It’s time to give him his mom back! Then together they can find new lodging. Both of them if the house you live in belongs to you. If the house really isn’t yours, pack up the babies and go to your family. Stay there. Start a new life.

Your man friend is using you.
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Yes I understand she’s Ill and my wording may have been a little harsh, but I was upset just thinking about! I agree I do need help! For the record I’m not on antidepressants! The last thing my girls and I need to be in is a shelter, I just want her out, I love her like she was my own mother but I feel it’s time to get her professional help! 
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If I were a young mother with 7 and 3 year old daughters, I don't think I'd be in a rush to take them away from their father and their home and embark on a new life as a single parent with no means of supporting myself financially.

This is an abusive situation, as in an intolerable and unsustainable situation; but in the first instance the OP needs help to improve the grandmother's care. She needs time to herself to work or study; she needs extra pairs of hands helping with the grandmother's personal and social care; and, yes, she needs her boyfriend made to wake up and see the reality of his mother's condition.

Start with one phone call. Do it today.
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It sounds like grandmother needs to be in a memory care facility.

You cannot allow your girls to be abused. I would tell your boyfriend that you cannot continue like this and suggest you all work together to get some help.

Social services can guide you as far as applying for Medicaid and other resources that might be available depending on her financial situation.

Please do take care of you and your girls. I know grandmother has dementia, but they (and you) do not deserve to be abused in any form, especially now that it has turned physical. You owe it to you and your children to keep them safe first and foremost.

An appropriate care facility would be able to evaluate her and would have the appropriate staff to be able to adjust her medication and tend to her care needs.
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I suggest you get a needs assessment done. Call your Area Agency on Aging, you can look the contact details up online, and they should be able to tell you how to go about it.

So. You are living in a household that comprises: your much older boyfriend, who works full time; his mother, who was diagnosed with dementia ?two years ago; your seven and three year old daughters; and you.

What job did you have before? What training have you been trying to pursue online?

One thing I would say that may seem hard on you but it is really important. DO NOT BLAME the old lady for her difficult behaviours. She has dementia. She cannot help the things she does.

That doesn't make them your fault or, even more so, your daughters' fault either. But it isn't fair to describe the grandmother as gross or abusive. What she is, is *ill*. She and you need more support to keep all of you safe.

You must get help and advice as soon as possible, today would be good, and you don't need your boyfriend's permission to do that. The situation as is is bad for the children, the grandmother, you, and your boyfriend in that order.
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