I think I made a poor decision moving into AL with my wife who has early onset AZ. My loyalty is fading the longer I live here. Guilty.

mbrother, my heart goes out to you. You quite honestly cannot change what has happened to your wife, and as she descends into Alzheimer's she will no longer be the woman that you married. Meanwhile you have your own illness and quite honestly you need all the positivity you can get in order to fight your own battle, or, as you say, your ship may sink before hers. Where will that leave her? Without even your visits?
I don't know how far into her diagnosis your wife is. Or how much she can understand. But if she is able to understand anything at all I would explain all of this to her, and I would move into your own place, negotiate your own care and battle, and be as much support as you can in her assisted living situation. I cannot know how much of your funds will go to her care, but you may need to see an elder law attorney about some division of assets that will allow each of you to have the life that fate has ordained for you at this time without one of you sinking the other financially.
I love my partner; we are together now for 35 years. But I will be honest with you; I would not do this for him and I would be heartbroken to think he would do it for me; we have discussed this. At 80 and 82 respectively we are well aware what is coming one way or another to us, and one of us will fail first.
You used the word guilt. Of all things I would like to tell you the first and foremost is to change your g word. You are using the wrong one. What you are feeling is grief. You are not omnipotent and you are not god. Nor are you a felon. Guilt assumes that you can change this and you cannot. Grief recognizes that this has come to your wife and to you, and that it is sad, and now the world is completely changed, other than it was and out of your control, that it must be recognized and you must work within it well as you are able.
I am sooooo sorry for you for this. My brother, the best man I shall ever hope to know, was diagnosed some years ago with early probable Lewy's dementia. I know the pain and the fear and the wishing you could make everything right. I know the worry and the inadequacy of being human. But we met it with honesty together, helping one another the best we could. I did recognize however that I would never be capable of in home care, and I was a nurse all my life.
I wish you the very best. My heart hurts for you.
As to ethics? You got that DONE. You got that MADE. Someone without ethics never asks the questions you are asking of yourself and of us. I promise you, you pass ethics class.

AL isn't where she belongs. She needs to be in Memory Care, and you need to be freed up to just love on her while continuing to live your life.

I agree with MJ1929; your wife belongs in Memory Care Assisted Living and you need to move out and on with your life if you're able to care for yourself with leukemia. The staff in AL or MC is perfectly capable of caring for your wife and you staying with her w/o her knowing who you are serves no useful purpose, really. You can live independently and still go visit her frequently to make sure she's being well cared for and that you can give her a kiss & hold her hand. Moving out of the AL doesn't mean your love for your wife has faded away; just that you need to look after YOURSELF now, which is as it should be. Ethically speaking, you're leaving your wife in good hands, so you owe it to yourself to see that you're in good hands too!

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

First you need to figure out where you will live and whether this facility can handle her increasing needs or if she will need to move also.

I think that you should gradually allow more of her care to be handled by the facility, then slowly take a day away, then a weekend, then restrict your time with her to visits only. I wouldn't try to discuss this with her, just do it.
Dear I have to go out to xyz and the aide Susan is going to take care of your bath today, love you, see you later, bye!

Yes, the possibility that you die before your wife is quite real. You won't be able to continue caring for your wife indefinitely. You got to take care of yourself.

First of all, wow. That you were loving enough to move in to AL with her already demonstrates you went above and beyond for her. Your health needs attention, and you are correct that the stress of staying in your situation will make your health worse. I believe you need to grieve the loss of her ( cuz the real her is gone), let the professionals at a memory care facility take care of her, and you need to move to your own place and focus on your own health. You can visit her whenever you like, and not have the stress of being a caregiver. I offer this advice based on a very similar situation between my father ( with cancer and other health issues) and his wife ( with AZ in memory care). Now he can focus on his own health while he is at his own home and she is with the caring professionals.

Surely you see here that you are a gem for initially going into AL with your beloved wife; you have already gone 'above and beyond'. It is a fluid situation, in a sense, with her condition only going to become more difficult in terms of caregiving and your very serious diagnosis as well. The most loving thing to do is ensure your wife is in the very best facility for Her needs and then set yourself up as close by as possible in a situation that meets Your needs: home comfort/privacy, medical needs, social needs. I agree that your 'guilt' is grief, with maybe a tinge of regret that you cannot continue with Plan A; forgive yourself and develop Plan B, and even consider future possibilities, Plan C, etc. Take advantage of all the experiences of folks who participate in this forum because it's a wealth of Lived Experience and support. All the Best.

My thoughts are similar to PeggySue's, that as your wife will need MC, your needs could be met in independent living within the same facility. That way, you will be near her, but also near help should you need it while you bravely fight your own health battle. That perhaps means, meals, housekeeping, or whatever you find you might need short-term. Please take care of yourself. And I also agree you are using the wrong g word - it is grief. Peace.

You know what they tell you on an airplane.....put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others. That advice is good in many scenarios...yours included.

Stressing yourself and or shortening your life is in no way beneficial to your wife.
Forcing yourself to live in a facility that you are not physically or mentally ready for doesn't sound like a good idea.

If your wife has deteriorated to the point that she no longer knows who you are, she may need memory care. Get her the level of care she needs and then find yourself somewhere to live that you can afford and manage. You can visit your wife as often as you like. Remember, she is the one with mental decline, so you are making decisions for her, not the other way around.

Take care of yourself.

Leave.
Although you need to feel the quality of your life will be as good as it can be - or better than it is now.
* You know for sure if you stay that you will be more depleted physically, emotionally, psychologically - all ways - as time moves forward.

- Ask yourself why YOU would want to stay after she 'no longer knows who I am?" Acting out of guilt isn't love, it is something deeper inside you that isn't resolved. You have an internal conflict (this is obvious). There are many forms and qualities of love / loving. Love is taking care of yourself to be the best you can be when with your wife, and first doing what you need to do for your own health. With your diagnosis, you need to take care of yourself, which you are not doing now living there with her. You know this. With self compassion, prayer (to who or whatever you believe in, i.e., your inner guides), accepting how you feel vs trying to block it or push it away or be upset with it (it being your feelings), learn to be a support to the guilt by listening to it. This is an aspect of my training in FOCUSING (By Eugene Genlen ...? forgot his name). Focusing may help you. Look it up and find a professional to work with you (zoom, phone session). It is an inner exploration by giving your feelings a voice - and listening to THEIR feelings and needs "not" yours as the outsider. It is giving you space and room to explore your feelings and needs, from their perspective. It is a fascinating model to work with -

* If you leave, you have an option to find ways to move through your feelings without the added stressors you feel now, which will increase (as you indicate she is losing cognitive functioning more rapidly).

* While no one here is in your shoes, if it were me, I would put myself first, perhaps for the first time in my (your) life and enjoy the moments you have. You have taken on too much and now you know it. It is time to leave and find your own place / space and visit as you can.

* I work with people inflicted with dementia. I have a friend now 88 losing some cognitive functioning. We all need time outs; renewal time. You need more with your illness. How that looks like is as unique as an individual and the person inflicted.

* Perhaps you can rent an Air b'n'b first for a while so you can have a 'room of your own' while easing in changes with your wife (not being there all the time).
- She may get angry with others there (strangers to her) and she may be very hurt and confused with these changes. Expect this and 'try not to' interpret it / feel it as guilt in yourself. This is her dementia and perhaps years of dependency (I don't know). It is a change and both of you will need to adjust.

* Ease into letting others care for her and for her to get used to others caring for her. She is likely extremely dependent on you although you can only go forward now for yourself. The saving grace that as her dementia increases, she will forget more and likely not be (as) attached to you being her sole care provider... as sad as it is to say this. (I believe my client with severe dementia forgot she was married for over 30-40 years. She is in memory care.)

* You need to heal for many reasons.
Consider the quality of the life you want now moving forward. We manifest what we think. We 'think it' before we behave it or put it into action. Let us know how you are doing and what you decide.)

Gena / Touch Matters