I take care of my mother who is blind with a lot of medical issues, I try to get her to go to a medical day care but she refuses. Any advice?

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Stating she can’t see and they might let her fall. She don’t try to do nothing for herself. I told her several times that she can run her water and get in the tub and bath herself without waiting for me to do it. She don’t even want to dry herself off when she gets out of the tub and lotion herself down.. she wants me to do it. She is so negative all the time, talks about me to my two sisters who don’t do nothing for her and never did. They are both nurses. One moved to Florida and the other one lives about 20 minutes away. I am the one stuck with her. I have a 14 yr old daughter I adopted that has a weight issue I am trying to deal with and get her healthy. I went through breast cancer last year and I am still trying to get myself together after that without any help from my siblings. I am tired of taking care of my mother and need a break. I don’t want to put her in a nursing home because she worked in one a majority of her life and these nursing home are horrible. She tells my sister’s she would go to one but tells me she don’t want to go to one because she can’t see and she has a difficult time walking. My sister’s only think of themselves and their families. My mom is always them and I am tired of it. I am emotionally and physically drained. Sister’s always traveling and enjoying their lives while my daughter and I are stuck here with my mom or dragging her negative behind with us. Always complaining and talking about the same thing over and over. I know I am all over the place, just venting. I have been helping my mom all of my life, she raised us as a single parent.

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Burnedout - my grandmother lived independently with macular degeneration and was very active in her community, so when my mother got the news she had it she knew what to expect. Unfortunately mom's eyesight deteriorated much faster and more severely than my grandmother's - a sudden bleed causing 90% vision loss in one eye with reduced vision in the other made her legally blind and home bound in her 70's. Mom live alone with only a couple of hours of home care and my weekend visits each week for many years, as do many other people with vision loss. You need to Stop catering to your mother's every whim... she is abusing your generosity and will use up your whole life if you let her, this isn't about you helping someone in need it is about power and control and she wants it. Read on the web and this site about setting boundaries and about the unreasonable fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) some parents place on their children. Stand up for yourself !! - good luck!
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Your mom is scared. Imagine not being able to see clearly and being afraid you’ll fall. I deal with fear myself because I’ve mobility problems and so that slick tub in my bathroom scares me. I fear going out alone because if I did fall in public there’d be such a commotion! People don’t know what to do so they call an ambulance. What an expensive unnecessary mess!

Are you able to talk sensibly with your mom and have her explain what she fears? Then do very much like the other answerer BuzzyBee suggested. Ease mom into the activities she fears.

I’m pretty introspective about my own behavior so I can identify and work on my fears. I was never fearful in my life until I found myself disabled (a problem with the lower back with collapsed lumbar vertebrae, bone on bone, and severe adult scoliosis). My daughter urges me to do what I fear so I can’t procrastinate.

I think the gradual ‘therapy’ with your mom could help the situation because even those with dementia can adopt a routine such as the bathing idea mentioned by BuzzyBee.

Not knowing your financial situation I’d suggest you talk to your sisters about financial help to hire a caregiver to stay with mom. They owe that to you since you have taken on the hands-on caregiving. You and your daughter need a break. Don’t allow your mom’s fears to rob your daughter of her normal growing up time!!

Good luck!
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Burnedout321 Aug 8, 2018
Thank you for your advice. I wa just venting stressed out. I have talked to them to no avail. I am going to take my daughter and mom to Atlantic City for four days. I have been helping my mom since age 11 and helping her with my sister..I finished cancer treatments last September and have to take a pill for the next five years and this pills causes mood swings ,hot flashes, joint aches etc. but I will push through it and continue what I have been doing for my mom and daughter. It would be nice to get a little me time🙃
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Has she had any training about coping strategies and living with with her visual impairment?
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Burnedout321 Aug 8, 2018
Hello ...I have been trying to find a place for the blind for her to go to for training. She had a stroke in 2015 rt after I retired and Medicare had nurses, home health aides, orthopedic specialist and someone to help her with bathing but it ended at a certain time. This happened twice. I always run her bath water and place all items where she can reach them, watch her get in the bath and there when she gets out. She has got so accustomed to me drying her off, oiling her down and helping her get dressed that she don’t want to do for herself. When my sister from Florida calls she gets on the phone and lie on me telling my sister I don’t help her and all sorts of untruths when I do everything for her. I am the oldest out of 3 girls. I have a lot of medical issues I am dealing with as well but I put her and my daughter first. I am always running from one appointment to another. I even went through a break up after 24 yrs being with this guy and he decides to have a relationship with another man’s wife and had a child with her but I didn’t let that stop me from my responsibilities of caring for my mom and daughter. Even through cancer treatments I cared for my mother and daughter with no help from any of my 2 siblings.
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Can I suggest that you try some 'dry runs'

The bath for instance.
Stand with her while she fills it (not too high -as it will rise when she gets in.)
Get her to check the temperature. - Like we for with babies.
Make sure that the soap, sponge, flannel etc, are in the right places using.
As for getting out, a non-slip bath mat is essential.
Now run though all of this with a dry EMPTY bath.
Prove to her she is NOT useless. That she is capable. Praise her for everything she gets right.

Same procedure goes for all activities.
Lay things out simply. Crackers, spread, sliced cheese. Always kept is the same places in the fridge/cupboard.

Head phones, small ones, so she can just pop them in to listen to a book or music, if she feels scared or out of place.

Day centre. Make arrangement to go with her for a few days and STAY.
Gradually leave a little early, go back to pick her up at the correct times.
Enjoy the meals, talk to the people. Explain to your mum that THEY need her company, because they are lonely.

I think your mum may be scared. So it is all about training, learning and compromise.

Good luck
Buzzy
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Burnedout321 Aug 8, 2018
Hello..I have tried everything along with social services and she refuse. A couple of months ago a male friend of hers had called and said he was going to stop over to see her. I had went to pick up her meds, when I returned she had washed and dressed herself Lol..So I know she can do for herself when she wants to.
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Has she seen a doctor about a possible diagnosis of depression and get put on meds for it?
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Burnedout321 Aug 8, 2018
Hello ..Her Dr. asked her if she was depressed and needed him to give her something and she told him know. Her dad was blind and she would always say that she was going to be blind like her dad..she would always tell me that.. she spoke it into existence 🤨 She don’t want to do nothing but talk on the phone, eat and sleep but she is going to the shore next week with my daughter and I because she has no choice.
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