I take care of my dad. He's stage 5'ish. Why does he tell my sisters that I'm mean to him and ignore him all the time?

Hi Ann,

It is heart-wrenching and frustrating when the parent or parents you are caring for accuse of you mistreatment and other things you haven't done.

It is easier said than done, but as others have mentioned, please try not take it personally. Dementia eats away at the brain while continuing to try make sense of what is happening in the world around it. Your dad's brain may be telling him he doesn't need a caregiver (not remembering one of his children is his caregiver) so it tells him to badmouth the caregiver so whoever will listen will take pity and get rid of the caregiver. If his body is still fairly healthy, but his brain is malfunctioning, that has to be disorienting -- and could be the reason why his brain is making up those stories. That doesn't make any sense, but dementia is a non-sensical disease.

Some of my personal experiences have included my mom accusing me of pushing her while she was showering, and breaking a piece of ceramic art she had hanging on the wall. I think the shower accusation was a dream that her brain remembers and so it thinks it was reality; and she broke the wall art in a fit of anger, but before dementia, my mom was rare to anger so her brain can't make sense of why she would break something in anger. I was hurt when she made those accusations about me. I wanted to cry; but, I had to remind myself it is the disease.

As others have expressed, you need support. I understand you have a full plate, but if you can't rely on your family for your support -- most particularly emotional support -- please consider joining a caregiver support group. It is so important to have people who understand what you are going through for advice and support.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm still back at family moved Dad in behind your back. What? How?

But regardless how that happened, let's discuss the present. You bave extea help coming in. Good.

Then, what do you want going forward?

I found stages 4-5 to be absolutely exhausting and infuriating. My mother complained non-stop, accused us all of stealing from her, denied her decline, picked fights over every single little thing all the live long day and claimed that I never did anything for her. She was furious that I spent time raising my young children.

I know his words hurt, but you have to let them roll off your back. If you’re concerned that your siblings believe him, maybe shoot back with your own “That’s nice. He said you hit him all the time and stole his money. <shrug> Meh, what are you going to do?”

I cannot believe their nerve, moving him in when you were away. Outrageous!

His condition will only worsen. Please investigate other arrangements. Can you “vacation” elsewhere for a week to force them to step up? While it’s great that they do participate, you may soon find he expects you 24/7. I doubt they have a realistic view of the situation.

How dare your family move dad into your home while you were traveling! That's just the worst story I've heard on here in years. If they're not careful, you'll pack up dad's things and move him into one of THEIR homes while they're out grocery shopping. I know you love dad and wouldn't do that, but the thought of payback is nice 😁.

The ugliest thing about dementia is the elders lack of empathy and compassion for the daughter or son who does the most. We always seem to get the short end of the stick in every case. Bad mouthed to others, accused of never visiting with them, stealing from them, abusing them.....we've had elders with dementia call the police on loved ones to report being hurt and hit, all lies, and then the loved one gets investigated! I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. I was treated very poorly by my mother with dementia also, who seemed to enjoy saying horrible and hurtful things to me. I tried to chalk it all off to disease, but sometimes I'd wonder if she really meant it? A no win situation for sure.

I would hope your siblings realize dad is confabulating with what he says, and that he does the same with them too. It may help you all to pick up a copy of Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with the whole situation. The author has some great tips for coping and strategies for dealing with elders too.

https://a.co/d/bMeLZvu

Best of luck to you.

You’re being very generous in caregiving with your dad. I’m sorry he’s lost the ability to recognize and appreciate your efforts. It’s painful anytime hurtful things are said, even when you’re continually reminding yourself it’s the disease of dementia doing the talking. I wish you peace

To be clear. I was traveling when they moved him in. I didn't find out till I git home. He also not alone ever. We have multiple people come in shifts to be with him. I actually shocked at how unsupportive this group is. Just wow. No I'm not a martyr. I'm trying to navigate a situation I didn't agree to nor was prepared for.

My guess is that “family moved dad in with me” because you had a spare room, and no-one realised that D was as bad as he is. It doesn’t sound as though he is stage 5 dementia, though. He can cope by himself all day while you are at work, and no-one knew that he can’t cope all night on his own - and wants even more of your time. Your 'share house' is turning into an 'age care facility'. You need to know that D is going to get WORSE. Then he can find some serious and dangerous mischief to get into while you are away at work for hours. If you are finding it hard to cope now, it will get increasingly difficult.

It’s annoying that D tells the rest that you are mean to him, but that’s not the real problem – which is when do you make it clear to ‘the family’ that you are not going to continue this. D has to go somewhere else. They moved him in with you. Which of them is going to be the next place he gets moved into? They start a serious conversation about a better plan, or one of them is going to find him on the doorstep with a suitcase.

To answer your question....it is because your dads brain is now broken and he doesn't remember all you do for him. Perhaps you and your siblings need to better educate yourselves about the disease of dementia as that will help you all better put things in perspective.
And you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your siblings, where you lay things out clearly that you can no longer care for your dad as you have a full-time job and a life and just can't do this anymore. PERIOD.
I'm really not clear how anyone can force you to take someone into your home when you haven't given them permission to do so. Something is definitely fishy about that for sure, and there's more to that story than what you've shared, I'm sure.
But now bottom line, your dad requires more help than you can provide and shouldn't be home alone while you're at work, and you certainly don't need to be quitting your job to care for him full-time as that will certainly hurt you in the long run.
I would start looking at memory care facilities in your area with your siblings and find the right one for your dad, where he will be around other folks his own age and have lots of opportunities to be as active and involved as he would like.
Your dad is only going to get worse and now is the time to make sure that he's well taken care of for the rest of his life, in a facility.
Best wishes in you all finding the right one for your dad.

At 5ish he should not be left alone. And, its the Dementia talking. He probably does not remember u sitting with him and d**ned if I would be sitting up with him at 3am in the morning. Ask his PCP for a sleeping pill. I did not work. Mom got up about 3am too. I showed her it was still dark out so not time to get up and put her back to bed.

Why are you the sacrificial lamb? If 77 represents your birth year then ur 46 my DDs age. No way would I at 74 expect her to care for me. You work a f/t job and this getting up at 3am is going to cause problem. Do not quit your job to care for Dad. Your SS earnings depend on you working. And he needs 24/7 care.

You need to sit your siblings down and tell them Dad needs 24/7 care you cannot give. Tell them exactly what you said here and that you can't keep this up and your not quitting a job. If none of the siblings will take him, he needs placement using his money. Stand up for yourself.

You might be better off gathering the members of the family he has said this to,bring them to his room ask him what is going on for example why has my "sister" said that you think I have "wronged" you? Mention what the family members have said, then if he denies these things they will now know what is going on. It is quite common for people with this type of illness to say some untruths, same can be said for those who have had a stroke,not all but it does happen often.If you feel that you can't cope anymore you will need to mention that to these family members and decide where to go from there.

And those sweet siblings of yours?
They are happy enough to tell you all this, are they?
Reprehensible, imho. And silly. And childish.

Now, firstly you tell us this: "My family moved my dad in with me. I didn't consent but here we are".
You most CERTAINLY DID consent, or your father could not be there.
Legally people are not allowed to willy-nilly move anyone into your home without your consent.

Next you tell us "I do everything for him".
Why? Clearly he is not so demented that he cannot be left alone? Right? Because you go off to work.
So why are you doing everything for him?

You are a grownup now.
You need to take responsibility for your own choices, not blame them on others. If you continue in this manner others will continue to take advantage of you. We tell people who we are and what we expect of them by our actions. Clearly your siblings feel their abuse of you is expected and accepted, or they wouldn't try it.

1. What is the legal care contract drawn up by dad's POA and an attorney?
What portion of your mortgage, utilities and food costs does Dad pay?
By the way, who IS the POA?
Because if you are the caregiver, then it should be you.
2. Who watches over a stage 5 dementia patient while you are at work?

Here is my advice: (given what little we know)
IF there is a POA, go to that person and say "It isn't working for me to have Dad living with me. You will need to find him placement in facility by ____________(give date). I have made no agreement to care for dad and I am incapable of continuing to do so.'

IF there is no POA then you will need to get conservatorship or guardianship. Gather your papers that designate your father as Stage 5 dementia and see and elder law attorney. Whatever else you do, DO NOT WHISPER A WORD OF THIS TO FAMILY . This court cost action will be reimbursed to you as his guardian.
After you have guardianship place dad in care.

Now as to Dad telling others you are "mean" to him. That's normal nonsense. We always hold those we live with and are closest to responsible for our woes, whether we have dementia or not.

You aren't some martyr out there looking to be filled with arrows, hopefully.
You are a grown woman who now will need to get the family together and honestly tell them that this isn't working.
Give them your options to work together, or hire an attorney and work alone to step by step take care of this.

I wish you the very best of luck. This can be done step by step. Stay strong. I hope you will update us.

Sorry you're going through this. What do mean by stage 5ish? How old is your dad and how did your family move him in with you without your consent? Do you own your own home? Does he pay rent? I think you will get more answers here if we can understand the situation better.

Welll.....are you caring for dad out of the goodness of your heart or are you 'stuck' as it were, due to pressure from family?

He's living with you and obviously you have most of the stress of his CG on you. Are you really OK with this? Sounds like it, but underneath that I do feel a certain measure of 'I'm being used".

Can you talk to these family members and tell them what you've told us? Would they believe you?

What's dad's mental status? It's really common for a person to complain about having a lack of care from the ONE family member who is taking the biggest chunk of work.

Maybe it's time to entertain thoughts of moving dad to some kind of ALF? You say 'stage 5-ish' but I have no idea what that refers to. His mental status? Cancer?

Minimally, there should be a pretty open dialogue between you and the other family involved. Everybody should have the same level of information and there should be ONE care plan, not several.

Until we know a little bit more about dad's actual health--IDK if anyone can help you much.

Mostly, it seems, you need much better communication between you and the other family involved. If you no longer wish to have dad living with you, your family deserves to know this and be a part of the changed living arrangements.

Bless you for having a big heart that allows dad to live with you--but you need to have your own life, too.

Family is great...until they're not.