I would like to vent/hear from you as to how to handle depression while actively caring for someone. So to give some background info; I was raised by my mothers parents when I was basically a newborn to the age of 5. They worked 16 hour shifts for a long time until they found jobs that were only 8 hours. Anyways my mom’s parents were my world as much as my parents were. When I was 8 my grandpa told both me and my mom he’s had cancer and he’s not sure how long he had. Sadly after telling us he went downhill fast..he was gone in 2 weeks the cancer had spread through his whole body and to make matters worse his daughter from a previous marriage in his last days made him sign his house that basically was like my house to over to her. After he had passed she basically had my grandma kicked out luckily she still owned another house nearby but still none of us had time to grieve we had to bury him have a service and help my grandma move all in a month. Unfortunately my family doesn’t understand depression or the side effects it has on someones life. I believe my grandma became depressed after all of that because she seemed to have just let her life slip away. She would refuse to take her medication, became super hesitant to see doctors, and overall just lost that spark in her eye. I kept trying to tell her kids and my mom especially that I think she was depressed but none of them believed me. My grandma passed away my freshman year of highschool the same year my dad had a massive heart attack and thankfully lived. I’ve never been the same since i’ve gone to therapy but it’s not a cheap thing to do so I have to go for a bit then give it up and save up again. I never want to take antidepressants because I’ve seen it do more harm than good to my friends.
As I said in the topic I’m caring for the last grandparent I have which is my dad’s dad. Everyday I have the constant fear of him passing away when I’m all by myself at home with him. As of this year I had lost my childhood cat that I raised and also a friend who was 23 to a hit and run. I’ve done my best to hide how I’m really feeling in-front of my grandpa but there are times I can’t help it and I leave the room to cry sometimes. I don’t want him to think i’m crying over having to take care of him but his dementia won’t let him remember what i’ve told him about him not being the cause. I do have friends and a boyfriend to vent to but I feel bad venting about the same thing over and over again I’m sure they get tired of it. If I’m to be honest I’m scared I will do something I will regret when my grandpa does pass away because I won’t know how to handle the emptiness of having no more grandparents. I already get jealous of friends who have grandparents who are still in good health but I don’t openly express that to them. I just want to be happy again and live happily but I can’t when I’m constantly worried about death.