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It has been a while since I have been here, hope everyone is doing ok. I managed to find a lady for my mom (with dementia) and the other two brothers and I are covering the payment.
While my father and I have never been really close, I find it sometimes hard to overcome him. For example, today I had two minor fleeting "frictions" with him:


1) When I saw mom holding his (sort of unclean) slipper in her hand, I told him to put them away, not leave them lying around. Then, after one hour or so.


2) We started eating some roast chestnuts, and I just took 3 or 4. He kept asking me to eat them all. In a normal voice, I replied I didn't want to, and put the plate in the fridge and walked out.


Even though they were really two small flash incidents and nothing rancorous remained, I could and should have avoided them. This also because the lady was present.


Sometimes I can't just pretend to not hear or see when it comes to my father. Is this common with others, too?


Thanks.


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Interesting Tony.
What do you mean by "less tolerant"?
Have you crossed over to the antonyms of tolerant?
ANTONYMS FOR tolerant:
Which are....
conservative
intolerant
mean
merciless
unfriendly
unsympathetic
biased
disapproving
narrow-minded
prejudiced

Don't most people act different in the presence of an outsider?
Your said father does, and does this also happen to you?

Maybe in the presence of a third person, you feel empowered to stand up to him more. Just guessing, I wonder about this myself. I wonder about the dynamics of what is really going on, why I change.

I really don't have an answer.

However, if I had a helper lady around for a day, I would make myself scarce, maybe leave, and leave them to it. You could probably use the respite?
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Tony11 Nov 2022
Of the above-mentioned opposites, I would say I am often verbally disapproving of him when he is inconsiderate or inappropriate, no matter whether someone else is around or not. But it seems that if someone else is around, any degree of disapproval on my part is completely out of place. Thus, I am wondering indifference should work best.
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Tony
Just musing along with you here. Your guess is probably better than ours but it is an interesting observation.
You may be feeling stressed and want someone to talk to yourself. You may be saying by your actions with the caregiver witnessing you, see what I have to put up with?! You may need a little caring for yourself.
You may want the caregiver to know that you know what your dad is up to, that you see him.
Maybe you are the same with her present but dad is different. Mom has someone else there for her. It may be an adjustment for him. It may make him focus more on you and what you are doing and you aren’t comfortable with that.
We have to release the angst on a regular basis. Step away and squeeze out the sponge of all you have absorbed. Hit a few balls, Walk briskly, do some push ups or meditate, garden or anything to release the vibes you are absorbing. They are toxic to your health. It’s not your dad so much as it is your dad’s energy plus your energy is not always a good combo.
The dynamics of a relationship are always different when another person joins in.
Good that you noticed.
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Tony11 Nov 2022
You're right.. It's more about the energy often not being right. The thing is not that he focuses on me per se, but that it's hard for him to be "normal", when somebody else is around. Or hard for him to be considerate enough; for example, he usually turns the TV up, or talks loudly on the phone in the living room, instead of doing these things in his own room. When I tell him that this is inappropriate, he doesn't care. On the other hand, I should also just learn to grin and bear it, I suppose.
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Tony11, so you're more tolerant of your father's minor annoyances when no one is watching. Could it be you're embarrassed of him? Same way parents want their children to be on their best behavior in front of guests, and get embarrassed when their kids misbehave?

Or maybe when the lady helper is there, your dad acts differently?

Sometimes, we try to put on our best in front of others, but it's exhausting after awhile. So, relax, and cut your dad some slack.
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Tony11 Nov 2022
Sorry for the delayed response.. I think he acts differently, when the lady is around, as if it's hard for him to be "normal". On the other hand, I should also just learn to ignore whatever he says or does.
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When the caregiver is there, maybe start leaving the house? Then you won't have to deal with dad. Does he have dementia too?

Just curious - can your parents not afford this caregiver? If they have money in the bank or investments, this is what it's for. Your money is for you.
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Tony11 Nov 2022
Yes, I have thought about not being around on Saturdays, when the caregiver is with them. Even when I am there, I tend to spend most of the time with mom, out, or in my room, never being over the shoulders of the lady. Plus, we have also suggested our father go out for a walk, too, on a daily basis, instead of constantly staying in the living room, where mom and the lady are, and turn the TV up. It seems that my father feels lonely and needs her presence, while the caregiver, far from being talkative, is nice company.
Mentally speaking, father is doing just fine.

Our parents' financial situation isn't good enough to afford a caregiver, too.
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