She’s leaving her home and bank accounts to him. My house is 65years old falling apart. What do I say to her to stop being her caretaker? I never agreed to be her caretaker. Shes rude and demanding to me. Leaving me nothing in her will. I was promised house so I did everything for her. Now I learned brother gets everything and was told by him mom wants me to stop asking her for the home I was promised. But I am to continue to be her caretaker. What should I do? Just stop going to help her? Look like a cold hearted monster? Or only go once a week? I’m the only one that visits her 95% of the time she tells me what I need to bring her or bake for her. Then the chores She wants done when I get there. And my rich brother gets to make all the decisions and gets everything. He said we can talk after she passes. He has never liked me so chances are I will get nothing. Do I keep helping her or walk away? Do I tell her why I’m done? Or take my chances and feel completely used if I get nothing in return.? Honestly I may inherit $10.00 if it’s up to her and him. I think I need to walk away. Am I wrong to leave her alone. Or will that get there attention? She’s always been mean to me I don’t want to take it for nothing anymore.
Pack your bags.
Move back home.
If mom needs a caregiver and she refuses to pay for someone to come in you can report a "vulnerable senior" to APS or your local Senior Service Center (they typically have Social Workers that do some of the investigations for the APS or Elder Abuse hotline calls. (Elder Abuse hot line is also for reporting a Senior that is having problems with Self Care it is not just abuse by others)
You are under no obligation to care for mom for free. If she wishes to pay you and you wish to work for her then get a Caregiver Contract. That will save you a lot of problems later.
Mom knows that if she "promised you her home" and has now broken that promise, you would not be happy. Thus she cannot expect you to be her caregiver slave for free anymore. Nip it in the bud NOW.
Let Rich Brother deal with Mom's demands. Mom tells you "what she needs, or chores she wants done" when you show up to visit? You aren't her personal slave, cook or maid. You are being totally used. Send Rich Brother a short email, giving your notice that your services for Mom are no longer available as of X date.
When Mom calls to complain, tell her the truth: You never agreed to be her caregiver or housekeeper. You have to earn a living.
Ask yourself:
Did Mom take care of her own elderly parents (free) back in the day?
Don't feel bad, my older brother (who never held a job) that lived with my Mom inherited her entire $800,000 paid off house. The 4 daughters that worked full time got nothing. This doesn't surprise me.
Let Brother hire agency caregivers (and a housekeeper) to help Mom, since he controls her money. Since you say your Mom has always been mean to you, don't agree to work for her even for pay. Don't trust him to "talk later" either.
Plan your future accordingly.
A sad truth for many.
And you know what else? You should be paid for what you are doing for her and reimbursed for your expenses. You should demand compensation.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Inheritances are about much more than the money. It is also about how you are valued in your family and a sense of betrayal on being overlooked. If your mother is exploiting you in this way, shame on her frankly.
That is a very poor investment strategy, in all truth.
Generally, when you give care to the elderly you move from being the DD (darling daughter) to being the CAREGIVER and no one likes caregivers. Caregivers tend to be bossy, critical, and full of advice no one wants to hear. So they become the "enemy" or the one who is blamed.
So here is a SURE BET for you.
Send Mom a lovely note: Say this.....................
Hi Mom,
I want you to know I am getting a part time job because things are tight for me here; I will be caring for an elderly woman for about 3 hours three days a week with housekeeping, cooking, shopping and appointments. She is paying me 35.00 an hour cash each day I am working.
So I have to tell you I just have limitations such that I cannot continue in caring for YOU for FREE.
If you would like me to come by then it's cash on the barrelhead. I will give you a break. Only 30.00 per hour with three hour minimum. Let me know so I can work you into my busy schedule.
If you can find someone cheaper, that's great. Otherwise I need advance notice of one week ahead and cash payment on the days I work.
Love to you.
MessKatt.
That would be my recommend. Otherwise just tell her you don't think she's a very nice woman and don't wish to see her any more.
Or keep doing what you are doing and understand it is your CHOICE.
Send your brother e-mail, and tell him that you are withdrawing your services from your mother as of the end of this week. I suggest that you let him know that as he controls the money, he can hire the necessary supports for her. Don’t even talk to him on the ‘phone—just send one e-mail, and delete any responses from him.
Tell your mother that you need to find a job (or focus more on it, if you have one), and will be stopping visits as of the end of the week. Let her know that your brother is to arrange for care. You can also make it clear that you never signed on for this role of care slave.
Unhook yourself, and walk away. Put your energies into your own financial future and marriage.
Look for a job if you need one to make up for the loss of the house that you were expecting to receive, and work on getting your finances in order without calculating the house into the mix. I know that's hard but at least you know now, ahead of time, rather than learning after her death that the house won't be yours. I know a couple who spent years providing dedicated part-time care and were promised the inheritance of the house, but then didn't receive it because the relatives never revised their will. It was a financial hit as well as an emotional betrayal.
They both let you know how they feel. I’d start taking care of myself & let brother worry about mother.
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