I recently lost my mother. I am conflicted by my feelings of relief and anger. How have others coped?

Like jenniferq I will not share my long drawn out story but let's just say I have been in your shoes with my mom and still with my 95 year old father who is in the hospital as I type. As my much as I love them both i feel like a nurse, financial planner, taxi driver, all And anything else. When Mom Died last year i was so relieved for her as well as myself. I felt a Little guilty about that but with time it got better and i knew that I had done my best by her and for her. Now, let's move on to my dad. I'm doing the same things for him if not more since he doesn't have dem/alz. Husband and I have a big trip coming up in 6 mos. I know I will worry about him the whole time and it will consume me to the point of not enjoying the trip. I will have our son check on him along with my niece but they don't know things like I do. I guess my point is and sorry it took so long to get to it is in not sure what life will look like without anyone to take care of. Not that I want anything to happen to my dad but I am looking forwArd to being able to just pick up and go. I will probably feel a little lost at first, but I think it hope and pray it will be an easy adjustment. I am sorry for your loss and lack of direction but I also agree that counseling will help. It's like having PTSD, you are waiting for something else to happen. Good luck to you and may God Bless you and give you guidance.

I met my DH 6 months after his first wife passed - he had been tending her, bedridden, for about 2 years. He was lost with nothing to do, after so many years of tending a sick wife.

I married him at 64, when I was 34, after we had been a couple for 13 months. I went into this knowing that down the road, eventually I would be placed in a similar position to what he was in.

Well, he was sent home to die, 2 years ago, so I have been living through this 24/7 caregiving for the past 2 years. I refuse to place him in a home unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

My plans for "after" include volunteer work at the local Nursing Home where I think my attentions will be appreciated and wanted. However, none of us really knows what we will go through "after" the caregiving is over.

I think the Hospice Counseling is a wonderful idea as they deal with this situation daily. Who knows, if you pray for it, God might send you your perfect match - he sent me mine, even if 30 years older than me. Yes, I learned that we both prayed but it took 6 months to finally meet my perfect match.

And there is nothing holding you within a town you don't want to reside. Look around and think about where you'd prefer to live. Maybe a Retirement Community so you won't be all alone?

Your story is my story except that my 93 yo Mom with COPD & early stage ALZ is still in her home. I moved in with her over a yr ago now so have 2 homes to take care of as well as work part time. Had no idea what I was getting myself into. Didn't really know how debilitating depression and anxiety can be.

I often think of when that time comes and how I will deal.

I feel betrayed by some friends and even a few potential romantic possibilities who could not deal with my care giving lifestyle. I asked Moms Pastor to help start a group of folks willing to visit seniors of the congregation. There were 3 of us available including myself but no word yet. And then there is my brother and his girlfriend who live 5 doors away and a nephew who do absolutely nothing. They don't even visit or call. Still don't have portable O2 for Mom .....have begged and pleaded.... I could go on with all the disappointments and dead ends.

So for me it's the betrayal of both my Mom & myself that hit the hardest.

I know I have inherited my Moms fear factor mentality despite the fact that I was able to conquer those feelings to become a confident adult. They are rushing back to me now wondering what my future will bring as a SINK....single income/no kids. I will leave homes property to the local land trusts or SPCA I suppose.

I would reach out to the other family members you got to know at your Moms facility....just show up at lunch time to help them out and go from there.

It's a personal question but am wondering what other SINK's are doing with their estates.

Good luck to everyone in their journeys.......xxxooo

60 is the new beginning age. Dream like you’re 21. Live.

My sincerest condolences to you. My dad passed away a few weeks ago. He was 89 and suffered from dementia for 5 long years. My mom was POA and she did what you did everyday. I cannot speak for her, but I can tell you that she is relieved. Relieved that her husband is no longer suffering and is at peace now in heaven. She is coping by staying in touch with friends and family in person and by phone. I told her she needs to focus on her health now. She is 84. I will watch for signs of depression (my MIL had depression when her husband died) and recommend she see her doctor if needed.

sdbike, you mentioned one thing that has not been addressed so far, and that is that you are living in a town you don't want to be in. I can relate because I am where I am now only because my sister wanted to move our parents here to be close to her so I moved here to help take care of them. My father is now gone and my mother is bedridden in a nursing home. I don't plan to stay here after my mother is gone. Did you like someplace you lived before much better? Or would you like to be someplace completely different from anywhere you have ever lived? Do you have any specific places in mind? You could use this time to help figure out where you want to be, or if you already know then you can start planning your move there.

Depending upon your financial situation, you now have some freedom to travel. Are there any things you would have wanted to do during those 8 years of caring that you had to postpone? Others have suggested various opportunities for volunteering, etc., which are all fine, but are you a person who would rather start a business, found a new organization, write a book, build something, or engage in another activity that will use your specific interests, talents, knowledge and skills more intensely? Would caregiving/charitable activities appeal to you or would you prefer to put this completely behind you to pursue something completely unrelated? I recall reading where someone on this site said or quoted "it is never too late to change the trajectory of one's life". People sometimes joke that there isn't a tag on one's toe with a certain occupation printed on it, but if you just happen to find a tag there you now have the freedom and opportunity to write on it whatever you want.

Sdbike, we're very similar. I'm single, never married, no kids, not religious. My mom died this year after me taking care of her for 15 years. I did the very best I could for mom (and dad as well) so I have no regrets. When mom died, I felt so much relief and peace. That stage of my life is over.

Right after mom died, I had lots to do - clean out her apt, close out her estate, etc. Now, seven months later, I'm still figuring out what to do next. I had a non-profit job that ended in August. So now I'm doing a LOT of just watching TV, sitting, working crossword puzzles, and not much of anything. I'm doing some exercise. I'm doing some volunteering, driving seniors to doctors' appointments. I want to do more, but I'm drawn to doing nothing right now. I think it's those years and years of doing so much that now I just want to do nothing. And it's winter and cold and I feel like I'm hibernating. And that's OK. When I'm ready, I'll do more. I don't regret the time I spent taking care of my folks, I couldn't have done anything else.

I agree that if you need it, counseling is very good. So is volunteering. Just take your time and trust that you'll come back to your center and figure out what you're meant to do. Sixty is YOUNG these days! You can work or volunteer or start a new business (I'm contemplating that), or travel, or start a MeetUp group for something you love to do...the world is your oyster. You just have to believe that!

What an ordeal for you. It's so unfair that your siblings didn't help at all but that happens a lot. In fact, that's the way it is in my family. No one's ever around to help my mother when she's sick but every one of them turn up when she gives them each a wad of cash at Christmas.

The counseling sounds like a great idea, exercise as someone else mentioned and you might try meditating, which clears, calms and focuses the mind and helps you sleep better.

There is also meetup.com in almost every of the country--groups meet for knitting, language, cuisine, walking, crafts, discussion, and you'd be sure to meet friendly people.

It's normal to feel adrift during a life transition. Best to you.

I will not share my story or how we may have had very similar experiences. I will just say for all the years you have given to this journey in your life, one I am sure you would not have expected nor wanted, 'time' is what it is going to take. Time on your own schedule. During this time, follow where your heart takes you. This time and the time that follows is now yours. Yours to live the way you would have wanted to live. Take time and be kind to yourself.

60 is young-ish! If you are an animal lover, consider adopting a dog, cat, ... fish. A pet is like a part-time job of daily walking and/or playing, training, grooming, etc. And I think hospice counseling is a great idea. Also, get a hobby. Hobbies are not necessarily expensive. Bird watching, for example, is virtually free. Use your library as a resource for finding things in which you are interested. Volunteer at a food pantry or delivering meals to shut-ins. Consider taking a class at your community college. And please remember to be kind to yourself.

I am going through that stress now if not knowing when it will happen. I have always been sole everything and have lost many jobs,as well. She recently went into a memory care unit which is wonderful but still lost that i am not sole one in control of everything and at same time relieved knowing she has wonderful care and don't need to worry about running out in a blizzard to take care of the many emergencies yet still lost and living each day stressed out and anxiety of when it is coming but so comforting knowing i am not the only one to experience these things

My parents are still alive but with several health issues. I care for both of them in my home, alone because I'm an only child. They are a full time job for me. Besides I have teenagers at home, so I´m really full. I always think how it will be for me when this is over. Will I feel a relief, sadness, or guilt? I try to figure out a new life project so I don´t feel too lost at that moment.

P.S. Does anyone know a good facility in the Cleve, Oh. Area? Are we aloud to ask this?

I love this site. You all are like me. One thing I know is to "let time have time". I heard that once, and never really understood it. We all want instant answers, and it really doesn't work that way. I too will have to place my little mom, soon due to money situation. I go there alone 3 times a week while everyone else lives their life. I have been given the chance to see Adeline as Adeline. I wish I had her as a young friend to run around with. She actually has a wit. It's hard. I hate looking at the filthy floors, shoveling snow, buying groceries, but this was put in my path for some reason, and I'm sure in the future it's reason will become clear. Take care, and have a healthy, and blessed 2018🌻

Grief counseling sounds like a great idea. My dad's hospice offered counseling too and I declined. I wish I had sought it out when it was available (and free). But at the time I just wanted to be left alone. I regret that decision.

Dear sdbike,
All the feelings at the same time. I found a number of ways to process all the feelings.
- When I was cleaning out the house and it all got to be too much, I would drop what I was doing and go outside and walk. I had to move to process all the feelings, and to get away from the intensity for a bit, to find my strength again.
-And I would “talk” to her in my head. It helped me to vent what I was going through. Pushing the feelings away doesn’t help me. I have to feel it to get through it.
-Painting also helps me. Just pick a color and paint whatever you feel like.
There was a huge void that I had to be with for a while before I moved forward to fill it.
It’s a difficult journey.... and a rich one.

Okay, if you want a job, even at your age, check into senior services. Here in Ohio, we have a program that trains seniors how to re-enter the work force, how do update their work experiences and so on as well as teach you how to interview. It's amazing how many jobs are out there for people our age. (I'm 72). If you don't want to work, look into working for free. Volunteer work can help you feel you are doing something with your life. Would you want to volunteer in a nursing home? Maybe in a senior center or a senior day care? They all could do with your help. If you don't want to do that, there a 1000's of places that need volunteers to help. Usher at a local little theater, work at a food bank.... you name it, it's out there. And it will give more purpose to your life. Oh, and even hospitals need volunteers, from rocking babies to delivering flowers. Time to re-start your life and I wish you the best.

Dear sdbike, I can empathize with you. My mom was in a hospice facility when she passed. I too, have no children and am not married. I do, however, have a church to go to. That has sustained me. I pray daily and get energized every Sunday at Holy Mass. It is a hard road...feeling sadness at your loss and relieved at the same time to not have the daily stress of having to care for a loved one. Only one of my 5 brother's has actually helped me with my mother during her illness. He took care of her on the weekends he didn't have to work...until it became too much for him. I still have guilt that I didn't do enough for her. I have moments of "what if"...what if i did this thing different and what if I could have...it doesn't stop. Truth is...each person is different and there are so many "what ifs" if you dwell on them...you will end up a patient. So...I have decided to let go and let God. I didn't get an inheritance and have to struggle with part time jobs to pay bills...and Hurricane Harvey didn't help with the damage to the house....but, it is what it is. I understand about your grief and feelings of guilt. I would advise you to follow up on the hospice counseling. I went to a couple of meetings and they do help. If I didn't have to work, I would have attended all of them. They have what they call a "Butterfly Release" event every year in memory of the hospice patients that have died. Mom was a lover of nature and animals, as well as children...so it was a very nice, appropriate activity to remember her by. I remember her saying once, when life got to be overwhelming for her (she had my 3 older brothers at that time under 4 years old and my sister was on the way) she would go into the woods across the dirt road and scream. She said it helped her a lot. lol

Sorry for your loss equally sorry your feeling so lost,time tends to soften most feelings we have even if we don't want this. I am getting ready to take my mother to a memory facility it is killing me me but for 8 yrs. I have been poa & primary caregiver to my parents. My father is in rehab from another fall. I cannot leave mother alone with him gone her dementia makes her very fearful and all she can focus on is where is dad. I found a nice memory care in the facility my dad is getting rehab in,I am placing mom there,then when dad is finished with rehab place him with mom. They said they have couples in memory care. They have been married almost 70 yrs. I cannot imagine just leaving my mom and walking away she is so scared of being left when we visit dad. I know my life will be better,my marriage and my health witch is suffering will be better when this is done. Being a caregiver is all consuming no matter how much you want to or try to.The guilt and sadness actually make me sick thinking of leaving her there after new years day. I am telling myself we will all be fine and that time good old time always passing will eventually soften my feelings just as it has though so many things in my life. Let yourself feel what you need your allowed this. Then move on fill the empty space with things that at the end of the day give you feelings that make you feel satisfied not sad. God Bless you

Hi there: I very much understand where you are coming from. I went through a similar situation with my father 12 years ago. It's a long story but I was also responsible for the handling of his care as my mother and 5 siblings simply couldn't make any decisions. Unlike you, however my father died in a nursing home approximately 8 months after he entered one. During that time period, I had to handle his financial affairs and any issues that would arise with social workers, etc. It all fell on me. At that time I was also dealing with 2 teenagers at home. I am now dealing with the same issues with my mother who is currently in her 4th nursing facility in 6 months. It is physically and emotionally draining and since I retired (also 6 months ago) my mother's situation has been like a job to me. Now that she is somewhat stable and will probably remain at the facility she is in until she passes, I am almost bored if you can believe that. No more calls from social workers, doctors, family meetings, etc. I always remember getting the call that my Dad died. There was almost a sense of relief in that (I hate saying that) and I have actually felt the same way about my mother. You just want it to be over but then when it is, you feel a tremendous amount of guilt. You dedicated 8 years of your life to your mom and for that you should be commended. She was lucky to have you. It sounds like now you need to take care of you. I highly suggest counseling as I recently sought out the help of a therapist to help me with what all of this has done to me. I also suggest exercise. I joined my local YMCA and have taken part in many of the classes. Now that you no longer have the social interaction that you experienced with your mother, you need to find it elsewhere. Staying active is key though I have to admit that many days I also struggle to get out of bed. Please note that I am also 60 and quite honestly, hitting that number this year was somewhat traumatizing for me and made me really take a look at my life. Many days I find myself quite depressed about life in general which is why I sought out the help of a therapist. I really hope you do take advantage of the hospice counseling, You need to take care of you now. I understand how hard it is to move forward but somewhat we must. I wish you the best of luck.

Dear sdbike...my condolences to you. Although my father hasn’t died yet, the other day I was thinking how different it will be when he does in terms of not having everything to deal with what all I did. It is an adjustment to have that part of your life suddenly end along with the fact that your mother died. And being her caregiver was a part of your identity. Give it time and I’m glad you going to take advantage of hospice counseling. They will certainly be in a position to offer guidance. I hope you will find a way to carry on and even move to community where you can begin a social life again. You may even want to consider volunteer work eventually. Best to you..and hugs.